Some of my friends from college are having a get-together for one of their birthdays. Just a few people. It is in the college town and that's an hour drive away from me (which I've never done by myself). I was considering going, but I also want to go to my city's pride event tomorrow. I am probably perfectly capable of going to both, but I ended up not wanting to go to my friend's thing because of that. He is perfectly understanding of it and even will have a virtual option for people since so many of the group are not in town because it is summer break. I just feel negatively about myself. I know that my family and people want me to be more social and stuff, and I feel like I let people down when I don't over exert myself. I've been going back and forth on this decision for the past two days. I wish I could just be like "nah I've got something the next day I'd rather not go" and be done with it. But instead I agonize over the decision and my head gets filled with thoughts about letting myself down and being a "loser" for not going to every single event possible. There's even an option explicitly for people in my exact situation, and yet I am still over here with these thoughts. I try to tell myself more positive things, but when I am down on myself the positive thoughts don't seem as "genuine".
Dealing with negative self talk - Anxiety and Depre...
Dealing with negative self talk
Hi WaterMyMind, first of all you are not a loser in my book. This is the perfect scenario
for someone who struggles with Anxiety/Depression. Two events in a row. You may very
well be able to go to both but you must challenge yourself and get rid of the negative
thoughts. Not easy because there will always be a thought that sneaks in to make you
doubt your decision.
Is there anyway for you to have a Plan B so you don't have to drive alone?
I understand that it's not just about the long drive but the social aspect of a 2 day
event. Whatever you decide in the end must be your choice and your choice alone.
I want you to know either way, I'm proud of you for even contemplating going. You're
not giving up you are just carefully figuring this out. How about for every negative
thought that comes into your mind, think of 2 positive thoughts. At the end you should
feel more decisive in what you do. Please let us know the outcome. 
xx
I can’t drive there with anyone. I’d have to go myself. It’s an excercise in challenging my thoughts for sure. No one is mad or disappointed in me. It’s all in my head.
Oh I understand now. It's a step forward for you to drive alone. Got it.
Yes, it's what anxiety does best by putting doubts in our mind. Wishing you well
in whatever you do. xx
I am currently attending virtually. I'm not the only one attending virtually but I still feel kinda weird. One of the people there said "you should be here!" and it made me feel sad :((
Thank you for the kind reply!
Hi, I'm way older than you are, and a very good driver but I can totally relate to your situation because I would be the same way. I would be all over myself for knowing that I could go, I could drive, I could see my friends but (there's always a but!) I'd be more comfortable being at home. Ocd is exhausting. Most people assume that you can just get over it, but it's not that easy. I say take care of yourself first. There will be other parties when you're feeling a bit stronger, you can attend those. Remember that the whole world does not revolve around 1 party. Take it slow and use self care and know that we'll all support you here. Be well.
They will always remember you and even if you stay 10-20 minutes it's okay as long as you made appearance. I always leave early but show my self to the birthday/wedding person and just go after few minutes. Please do try but okay if you got good excuse. Both events you will be fine. You don't even have to say much and it will be done in few minutes. Quick and done
I always say 'no' but then family takes me and it's just easier than excuses sometimes
It’s not a 10 minute type of thing. If I go it’ll have to be a stay over night thing
Oh, okay and you like these people and they make you feel comfortable? They will look after you well? It all helps?
Yeah they’re comfortable! It’s more so just trying to cram in too many events at once.
Yes, I see. Wish they would help you out and also appreciate the time you spending with them and going to the events because important in your life, all the events.
I would only go if they really care for me and really look forward to seeing me there, that they count on it. There to help them, mainly.
No one is “counting on me” really. They’re good friends but no one is going to be hurt if I’m not there in oerson
the “pushing me to be social” thing gets me thinking. You don’t want to go. You are ONLY going, as far as I can tell, to please others and quiet the voice in your head. You have no inherent internal desire to invest the time, the drive, the inconvenience, the energy. Now. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying, “I need to sit this one out.” There’s a great Jennifer Coolidge meme/scene about this. I’ll see if I can find the link!
Okay cool 😂
tiktok.com/@halanscott/vide.... I know it’s TikTok. I don’t even have TikTok. Just search Jennifer Coolidge Domt Go Right Now to bring it up if you want to see it. lol.
LMAO I love that!
you’re right though! I had reasons I wanted to go and reasons I didn’t want to go but this time not going won out. I shouldn’t obsess over what I “should” have wanted to do and relax with having made the choice I wanted. Plus, I can still join the video call segment of the event anyhow!
To me friends are more important than a 'pride' event. Make the effort. I drove 6 hours yesterday round trip to attend a golf outing and dinner with my college football team buddies. It was worth it.
it sounds like you really do have a lot of negative thoughts and a lot of thoughts about what you are supposedly obligated to do. This is exactly the sort of thing that cognitive behavioral therapy is designed to deal with. I suggest you do some studying about cognitive behavioral therapy and I think you will find it helpful. I usually recommend the book Feeling Great by David Burns.
Books by Eckhart Tolle helped me a lot. He terms it "identification with the mind", Instead of identifying with the mind, you just become the observer and let the mind play its tantrums. You watch it like you would watch a movie and let go of all the thoughts. Most of them are repetitive and annoying. He has a topic "Duck with a human mind" in his book A New Earth:
In The Power of Now, I mentioned my observation that after two ducks get into a fight, which never lasts long, they will separate and float off in opposite directions. Then each duck will flap its wings vigorously a few times; thus releasing the surplus energy that built up during the fight. After they flap their wings, they float on peacefully, as if nothing had ever happened. If the duck had a human mind, it would keep the fight alive by thinking, by storymaking.
This would probably be the duck's story: “I don't believe what he just did. He came to within five inches of me. He thinks he owns this pond. He has no consideration for my private space. I'll never trust him again. Next time he'll try something else just to annoy me. I'm sure he's plotting something already. But I'm not going to stand for this. I'll teach him a lesson he won't forget.” And on and on the mind spins its tales, still thinking and talking about it days, months, or years later. As far as the body is concerned, the fight is still continuing, and the energy it generates in response to all those thoughts is emotion, which in turn generates more thinking. This becomes the emotional thinking of the ego. you can see how problematic the duck's life would become if it had a human mind. But this is how most humans live all the time. No situation or event is ever really finished. The mind and the mindmade “me and my story” keep it going.
We are a species that ahas lost its way. everything natural, every flower or tree, and every animal have important lessons to teach us if we would only stop, look and listen. Our duck's lesson is this: Flap your wings – which translates as “let go of the story” and return to the only place of power: the present moment.
You’re tied between wanting to be a kind/supportive friend and wanting to enjoy yourself at a big event you believe in? Do you think people will show up to your friend’s birthday? It’s always tough when no one who’s invited shows, so sometimes I consider this. Whatever you decide guilt is a human emotion, but not a useful emotion. Be proud of yourself for wanting to go out. Maybe do something special for the friend’s birthday at another date. You’re not a bad or selfish person- it’s just bad timing and both events is a lot for anyone. I wish you luck.
Your doing what I do , beating yourself up over things that you shouldn't be punishing yourself for. Your only one person trying to do your best and when your trying to do stuff to please everyone else and then in the end you end up feeling overwhelmed and even resentful. Your friend sounds very understanding so you can only do your best and that's good enough and there will be more birthdays for you to go to.
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