No hope for the relationship.

[deadmanwalkingSCH]

I can't believe what depression has done to my personal life. I always thought it has been about 3 or 4 years in my last relationship. NO, I was not close. I have not been with anybody since the year 2004. That can not be normal. What the F--- is my problem. Fighting with depression now I have to deal with being depressed. Depression and being depressed do not go together. = back reactions. I am seriously ashamed to talk about it. I could not tell anyone. I needed to get this off my mind for a long time. I don't care if everybody laughs about it when they read this. Just don't rub it in or laughs in my face if you like your teeth. Are there others going through this. There is more to the story like ex-wife disappeared without telling me why. To this day have not talked to her. I found her on Facebook last year. One day I need to ask why she did that. youtu.be/hLQl3WQQoQ0(Not working as expected?)

[deadmanwalkingSCH]

click on the song title (not the youtub arrow) if want to watch video.

[Sadlost2019]

Hi, never feel ashamed there are many of us going through similar agony. My husband had a midlife crisis and walked out without ever explaining anything after 33 yrs. It took a long time and lots of therapy to try to find myself again. Depression took over my life I did not get out of bed for 2 months and his parting gift was that I know suffer from anxiety which I never had in my life. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to take one day at a time and keep putting one foot in front of the other. It is important to talk about it. If you need a friend to talk to I am here.

[deadmanwalkingSCH in reply to Sadlost2019]

Thank you Sadlost for your reply. That's true when you said talking about it helps. It is trying to find someone that will listen and understand. Nobody in my family and my friends never ask me if I was seeing anybody or when was the last time I been with someone. I been waiting for someone to ask me about it. I have a problem with not telling the truth and they all know that. Instead of lies I just will not answer them and try to avoid it. I don't think they were ready to find out, they would not know what to do if I told them. There were times I would not go home and help a friend work on their car all night. I kind of made it look like I was on a date. When they asked i would smile and walk away. But it would not be fair to start a relationship with someone. I would be a burden and bring them down with me. I don't want to hurt them. That song Hurt by Johnny Cash is how I fell about myself. I need someone that is serious about trying to help me and not give up on me. I am sorry to hear what your husband did to you. You handled it better than I did, you sound like a strong mined person and got through the pain. I pushed it away with a bottle for about 5 years bad years until that one day it all came to an end. I never had a drink from the day to now. I was a different person after all of that, Just empty shell now. Steve

[Sadlost2019 in reply to deadmanwalkingSCH]

Have you ever thought about going to talk to a professional? I went to therapy and was on medication and the therapy is what pulled me through. It did not change the fact that he left, but it helped me see from an outside source rather just wallowing in my despair where I could not it or understand why. I had my sons around me and some friends came out of the woodwork but I was in such pain that I could not think clearly. She helped me see that I did nothing wrong and that this was not the end for me. She also helped me find my way back to myself before I was a wife and mother. Its crazy my friends would give me the same advice she did but I could not hear it. She slowly held my hand and helped me navigate the fear, loneliness and utter despair. In life we don't always get to make the choices and cannot control others that we love to make them see how much we love them. But if you don't face the pain and find a way to release it you will never feel whole.

You can talk to me anytime. Marie

[Willowhouse in reply to Sadlost2019]

Hello how are you feeling. I am in the same position my husband has left me after 15years. I am depressed and have had some therapy but struggling every day. Just hoping it gets easier. Any advice pls

[Sadlost2019 in reply to Willowhouse]

I am so sorry and I know exactly how you feel. Here are some things that helped me. 1. I went to see a therapist, 2. was prescribed anti depressant and anxiety meds. (I am not one to take medication but I knew I needed help to get out of laying in my closet in a fetal position) The anti depressant was a god send but the therapist was wonderful. She really helped me to look at things from a different perspective. She did not bring my husband home but she helped me find myself again and to realize I would be okay. 3. I talked to friends who did not sugar coat it but showed me that they truly loved me and that I had value. 4. I cried gallons. It took me a long time to be able to go out in public and not cry.

I would love to be your sounding board, please reach out to me anytime.

It was so bad for me that I ended up in the hospital as I was so run down. I was married for 33 years. I loved him but obviously he did not feel the same. Looking back now I would not want him back. It is going to take time, I know you don't want to hear that but that is the only thing that will ease the utter despair you are feeling at this moment.

I promise you that you will be able to wake up one day and smell the roses.

PS I found this book at a yard sale and it really explained alot to me. The Runaway Husband by Vicki Stark. It was a real eye opener I think they have it on Amazon.

I wait to hear from you.

[Willowhouse in reply to Sadlost2019]

Thank you so much for replying. I have started antidepressants and had some therapy last week. Also ended up having a breakdown and went into a crisis house to have respite.. helped a little bit now home sat going over it all.. I want to be positive and just hate this feeling of sadness I have continually. I ha e some great friends who say I deserve so much better but at the minute I just can’t see that.. 33 years is a long time you must of been devastated. I will look for the book and read it.. just want to feel happy again but feel lost at the minute and want him to come back to me x

[pink83737]

you will find someone, there is hope. do you volunteer/work/go to church/ events etc? i’m sure that’s a good way of talking to people as well. there’s nothing wrong with you, depression sucks! depression is no joke so i don’t find it funny. people who were there with you wont be there forever. that’s just the simple truth. your happiness should always be you. never depend on anybody else for happiness. be self sufficient, be your own happiness, love yourself, explore and live life to the fullest!

[deadmanwalkingSCH in reply to pink83737]

Thank you, Pink for the advice. My whole life I always was a very shy person. I freeze up when I meet people. I thought being shy was normal. The whole time it was anxiety attacks. I can't walk in a room full of people because I fell them looking at me I just want to hide. I blamed it on depression. I always said depression was the worse thing someone can have. I didn't take Anzity serious for a long time. The more I read about Anxiety make me understand to see what's happing to me and it not being shy. This site and people like you is helping me see what going on in my head. I'm trying to read everybody's comments and try to thank them for helping but my brain feels like it full, overloaded. I can't keep up them. I can finish reading them without stopping. I can't do it. This took about 1 hour to get this far.I have not said anything about my relationships because it would not be fair to the other person without hurting them in the end. Steve

[deadmanwalkingSCH]

Thanks, Urock for the advice, Every little bit helps. Back then when she disappeared without leaving a note or anything I wait everyday thinking she would walk through the door and things would be ok. That never happened. Then I meet Jack. There was not a day without Jack at my side. Jack took all the pain away. Jack Daniel's No. 7 was my best friend. I don't remember much for the next five years or so after that. Things got bad and I said to Jack and never had a drink after that. I'm still kicking but no life in me. Getting that alone thing off my shoulder felt good. It's what it is now and I need to deal with it. U Keep Rocking Steve

[deadmanwalkingSCH]

Thanks URocks.( Okay, my grammar sucks bad and just trying to do this and finish before the sunrises is hard). Something you said brings back bad memories but now I think I know what it was. I don't know how old I was the first time it happened. One night I woke up paralyzed, could not breathe there was something in the room holding me down but I could not see. I was terrified my heart was pounding, I never felt so scared in my life. After a while, I think I passed out. When I came to it was gone I think. I didn't want to move because it might see me and do it again. I started crying as loud as I could hoping my parents would hear me and rescue me. I told them what happened but they said it was a bad dream. After that, I was afraid to go to sleep. About 6 months later it happened again but worse. After a while, my parents didn't know what to do. Then I knew what it was or who it was. I honestly thought it was aliens abducting me. After that when it happened I would not cry because they could kill my parents. I waited to pass out what seemed to last forever. Then one day I realized it has been a year then another they are gone. They never came back. Jennifer You Rock... Like you I was damaged, now I know when the depression started. I was never diagnosed until it was too late. But the aliens could have caused it all.:} I didn't know what Anxiety was until a few years ago what explained a lot of my problems and still leaning. When you wrote What's up Steve this popped in my mind. To watch click on the song title, not the youtube arrow. Stevie youtu.be/6NXnxTNIWkc(Not working as expected?). 4 Non Blondes - What's Up (Official Video)

[deadmanwalkingSCH in reply to deadmanwalkingSCH]

stupid youtube 4 Non Blondes - What's Up (Official Video)

[deadmanwalkingSCH]

Johnny Cash - Hurt This song is about my life.

[deadmanwalkingSCH]

I tell the truth in my replies but they get deleted, why. I guess nobody wants to here my sad life.