Can’t Stand My Kids: I have two VERY... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Can’t Stand My Kids

dontknow26
dontknow26
137 Replies

I have two VERY good teenage boys that I can’t stand. I rarely leave my room (other than for work) and my husband has compensated for years. My kids are going to be gone in 3 and 5 years and they’ll have memories of a mom locked in her room. Yes, i’m on meds and in therapy and have been for nearly 30 years and it seems that things only get worse. I hate people, I have no desire to do anything. I am very successful at work and that is the only enjoyment I have in life (if you can call that enjoyment). Every year I become more isolated, more lazy, and more hopeless. I hate the weekends because I basically lay in bed until Monday when I can go to work. My husband is an amazing man but I can’t stand him either. I want nothing to do with anyone. I dream of getting an apartment and never answering the door or the phone again. I can’t wait to be old and near the end. I have the potential for a great life - I have plenty of time, money, and people that love me. Instead i’ll sit here in the dark until Monday, like I have for years :(

137 Replies
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Jeff1943

But you like getting up and going to work and presumably working with colleagues. What you can do is to widen that circle of experience and activity to include your family who appear beyond reproach and have done nothing to earn your negative feelings towards them. You are indeed blessed in your family by what you say.

But you must find within yourself the will to befriend your family. Otherwise you will be remembered by your sons as.....

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dontknow26
dontknow26
in reply to Jeff1943

But how?

I think the difference is that they are so needy. I also don’t tolerate mistakes and spouses and teens are full of mistakes. My coworkers rub me the wrong way too, but I don’t have to LIVE with them. Be responsible for them. Raise them. If i’m really digging deep, my spouse and children disappoint me. It’s hard to be around them because I wish they were better. There’s nothing actually wrong with them but I have impossible standards. It’s really sad.

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Agora1
Agora1
in reply to dontknow26

We can't make people be what we want them to be

in order for us to feel better. Once again it boils down

to accepting what we can't change and change how we

react to the situation.

Raising a family, being a wife and working is draining.

I have no doubts that you are an amazing person deep inside.

What you might need right now is to start with loving yourself

before you can love anyone else.

Great video on YouTube "Love Yourself/Self Confidence Exercise"

by the Honest Guys. It may help. :) xx

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dontknow26
dontknow26
in reply to Agora1

Thank you, I will check it out!

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Linnea1
Linnea1
in reply to dontknow26

Have you told your therapist everything you posted in your original post and this one? I hope so. Do you feel the therapist is experienced and knowledgeable enough to know how to help you? If what you've been doing (meds and therapy) doesn't work, maybe try different meds and change therapists. Your postings make me sad for a life not fully lived. I'm glad you came here to vent and ask for feedback. I hope you find just the right thing(s) to help you with this. I want you to be able to live and love, give and receive, and eliminate those thoughts from your head. They have already taken so much from you, but it's not too late! You CAN change things and become productive and part of your family members' lives. You can do it, with the right tools!

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Jeff1943
Jeff1943
in reply to dontknow26

Simply accept family members for what they are, not for what you want them to be.

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dontknow26
dontknow26
in reply to Jeff1943

Easier said than done! 😉

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Jeff1943
Jeff1943
in reply to dontknow26

Do the hard thing.

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Ddorne
Ddorne
in reply to dontknow26

If you know it’s sad, then on some level you’d like to do something about it. What kind of work do you do? It’s good you like your work and are putting energy into it. Maybe you just have to be more forgiving of personal flaws. Would you really want your husband and kids to leave? It sounds a bit like OCD. I have had OCD for 50 years and it can be terribly judgmental. You sound like a smart person, you need to increase your

Emotional intelligence.

L D

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dontknow26
dontknow26
in reply to Ddorne

I have OCD for sure, possibly OCPD

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quitter333

So .. you feel your family is disappointing.. while on the other hand you sound like a very disappointing family member.

And despite that you rather sleep, than actually lead your family to a better soil?

Lots of conflicts in your words and described actions. It's as if you want to have it better, but don't want to put in the work. Family is same as your job - you put in hours and eventually better and better results come.

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UFC80
UFC80
in reply to dontknow26

With High Reguards for the Many replies to this post, I'd like people to also keep in mind that Marriages sometimes are created for many reasons. Child Birth is also sometimes a Random act. And Mental Illness can be around throughout many parts of this process. People can have Assumptions, but may not really know the Circumstances of it all! Parent's have an incredibly important and complicated job that is put before them. It can be said that some People can manage parenting easier than others! I'd like people to always keep in mind that, you can be a great parent. Love your child, but may be also a possible unwanted choice. Yes. Society will Scrutinize this statement Immediately, but it is only blind.

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UFC80

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UFC80
UFC80
in reply to UFC80

I Second that!

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Oshgosh

Please don’t be offended,but do you like yourself?

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dontknow26
dontknow26
in reply to Oshgosh

Not offended. I’d say that I think i’m pretty amazing but I do see that is likely just compensating for how I really feel. But it’s as if I can’t get in touch with how I really feel about myself, but it’s probably not good. I don’t know if that made sense. In short, I probably don’t like myself but I don’t feel the dislike. Aggh :/

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Oshgosh

If you’ve been in therapy for 30 years,your problems must be deep seated.they predate the birth of your children.

It’s sad that you haven’t been able to lead a full life,hope you find a solution

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dontknow26
dontknow26
in reply to Oshgosh

Yes, I know my kids are not the problem. Maybe my therapists are the problem! Hehe :)

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Oshgosh
Oshgosh
in reply to dontknow26

Perhaps yo need to look at what happened with n your childhood /past.Perhaps sack the therapist and try another approach,perhaps just bas old fashioned counselling or perhaps fall back on your own resources? Give yourself AND your family a big hug

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Lisau2
Lisau2
in reply to dontknow26

Joking aside, if you have seen the same therapist for a long time and seem to be worse, or the same, maybe it is time to try a new one. There were times I had to try a few before finding one that really helped me. Best wishes for you. My 3 girls are grown and have their own families, I have my own place, and I do get lonely sometimes. Maybe the grass is always greener?

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Calm_mama

I would definitely suggest you look for a new therapist. Look for a CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) therapist- one who really, really knows CBT for anxiety and depression. Traditional psychotherapy (Talk therapy) is often not helpful for anxiety and depression, or only helpful in limited amounts. Perhaps you've had a therapist who utilizes this approach? CBT with a true expert can be life-changing. Wishing you all the best.

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dontknow26

My therapist for the past 5 or so years is all about feelings. How do you feel? How about now? I’ve really bonded with him which is no small task considering I dislike most humans. But, I have only gotten worse so I think it’s time to move on. He says illness is progressive and people usually get worse before they get better... but this is enough I think!

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Oshgosh
Oshgosh
in reply to dontknow26

I think 5 years is long enough,perhaps it’s time to move on from your therapist.

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TrustnGod

Wow this is a difficult way of thinking and a heavy burden to bear. Have you always been like this or were things better when you first got married and had kids? It seems like your standards don’t allow any room for being human which I get because I’ve been there, but at the same time have you ever thought of what standards you yourself aren’t reaching/fulfilling because of how you treat others?

I hope you’re not offended by any of that because my goodness have I been where you are. But just wanted to ask what I asked myself during that time.

~Lia

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dontknow26

I’ve always been like this to some extent but it gets far worse every year. There used to at least be good times. My therapist talks about that “human” thing a lot - apparently I don’t allow myself or others to be human. I don’t know if this makes me a perfectionist, narcissist, or what?! But it’s not easily changed when it’s just who you are. In hind sight, I never should have married or had kids. Now I’m doing the best I can which generally means hiding so as to not cause emotional harm to others.

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TrustnGod

That’s crazy. Did you have any experiences that caused this? I think it’s a mix of being a perfectionist and also guarding yourself if that makes sense.

At one point, I told my cousin I didn’t think I was human because I literally held myself and everyone else to the most impossible standards and that made me SO disappointed in everyone. Someone could breathe the wrong way and I would be disappointed.

But ya it isn’t easy AT ALL to change that mindset. I went into a deep deep depression for 5 years (and I was still very very disliking of others during this time) before I started to change and even now I still sometimes struggle. It’s difficult being in the situation you’re in. I really and truly feel for you but also just know that I do think there’s hope. As long as you’ve lived with this, there is still hope.

~Lia

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Daisymom
Daisymom
in reply to TrustnGod

Naaaa...You’re not a narcissist at all. You mention being concerned about causing other people emotional harm… Narcissist don’t care at all. You’re a good person and don’t know what to do which is why you have a screen name I don’t know...A true narcissist would never even be on this site asking

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TrustnGod
TrustnGod
in reply to Daisymom

I agree to this. Didn’t mean to put that in my reply! Lol I need to proof read more.

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Daisymom
Daisymom
in reply to TrustnGod

I hear you Lia... I think we both feel the same way this is really pretty straightforward… I interviewed hundreds of centurions… Most of which said the same thing in hindsight would have done something different… Society tells us to get married have kids… Not everybody is meant to do that but those who go ahead and do it and then realized after it really wasn’t meant for them… You’re in it. Don’t know… Your husband is a grown man ... those children are your responsibility even if in hindsight you would’ve done something differently... teenagers suck husbands suck… You got yourself in a position you don’t want to be in but… You put yourself there so now you have to recognize that those children need their mother. And maybe in your depression you need to be a mother.

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dontknow26

My dad demanded perfection. I was a huge disappointment. Enough said. How did you change?

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TrustnGod

My dad demanded perfection from me as well. I once dated someone because he never said I couldn’t and I got my phone taken away for 4 years. True story.

Honestly it was kind of shocking how I did. I had a friend I’d known for 7+ years who I knew I didn’t want to be friends with but never bothered to end our friendship. When I finally did, she made a huge deal about it and posted about how selfish I was and how I made her a worse person. Idk why but that post made me feel like I had been stabbed. One thing my dad absolutely demanded was selflessness without fault. Someone calling me selfish and saying I made a negative impact on them really really shook me up. So I lived in a blur for a while where I would do everything for everyone just because I thought that would get me back to my “perfect” state. I look back and I feel like I was a machine during that time. I had no emotions or when I did I Never allowed myself to feel them. Then I lost my uncle this year which made the most human and flawed side of me come out. Once that escaped, I had to completely change my perspective because I was like wow I get it. I understand. I learned that I don’t have to be perfect (something I REALLY REALLY struggle with still) and those around me don’t have to be either. I swear God took me and put me in the place of all those who I previously hated. Who disappointed me. I became them which was my biggest fear but it humbled the life out of me because I was able to see ok wow people really do have limits.

~Lia

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dontknow26

Wow, so interesting.

My dad made me choose between going to prom and getting a drivers license because I got a bad grade or something. I chose prom and got my license at 18 (wrong choice in hind sight - haha)

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TrustnGod

Wow! What an ultimatum! Do you talk to your dad now or has he passed? I’m sorry if that’s too personal to ask.

You amaze me. Seeing your replies to some of the harsher comments and how aware you are if the effects this could have on your children as well as what’s going on within yourself- talk about self awareness! But it’s also frustrating being in that position. You know exactly what’s going on and how it’s effecting others but you don’t know how to fix it and you’ve tried 30 years worth of “solutions” which all failed. How frustrating! But I’m so impressed with how open you are about this and how your kids know what’s going on and how you’re “sick”. My grandmother would isolate herself in a dark room and sit there for months and months at at a time not saying anything to anyone. So my moms sister would have to go with her to parent teacher conferences and stuff because my grandma refused to show up. But she never talked to them about it so they didn’t know what was going on, just that their mom was isolating herself. So your kids and husband being aware is a great thing in my opinion!

~Lia

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dontknow26

I speak to my dad on birthdays and Christmas and it’s for about 2 minutes and super awkward. He is getting quite old and his memory hasn’t been great and I like him so much more now! We can actually get through a conversation without him insulting me. I bet I could even pursue a relationship now, just hesitant obviously. He is great with my kids though. It’s strange how grandparents can be quite different than how they were as parents. He tells me that i’m way too hard on my kids... thanks for the advice dad?!!?

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Dolphin14

My mother made me feel I had to be perfect to stay out of trouble and under the radar and not disturb her peace. Emotions weren't allowed. Following the rules was mandatory. No love was ever spoken of or felt.

So you know what I did different? I made a conscious decision if I ever had kids to raise them the complete opposite of how I was raised, and I did.

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Oshgosh
Oshgosh
in reply to dontknow26

I think this could be tithe crux of your problem.

I don’t know how you will change your attitudes thoughts etc. I did CBT online when I got my diagnosis( you won get better ,we may be able to control your symptoms)

Symptoms not under control yet.

Th CBT helped me, but I really don’t know if it would work for you.

I’m worried for you,Theresa possibility that when your sons leave home,your husband will stop :compensating:: he May decide to move on when boys leave.

You could be potentially very lonely.

I have 3 brothers and sisters, 8 grand children, things are far from perfect in life,but we rub along. I like imperfections it makes life interesting .

Please look after yourself,try to take some steps to improve your lot in life,you deserve to be happier than you are.

You need to be free of your father.

Love your family

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horizonwatch

I am very emotional hearing you share your story because I've always felt this way too and been trapped in this hell too. Being this way has stopped me from getting married and I have no kids. But I am miserable and lonely and I feel like a complete outcast because I am one of the very few at my age who is single and has no kids. I also had a father who was very critical and was very distant. I always thought he didn't like me and that he was disappointed in me too. Sounds like this is a big clue as to why we are so critical of others, because we were always made to feel we had to be perfect and thus we expect it from others too. I also am VERY VERY sensitive. I always feel I'm being criticized, shunned, excluded or slighted by other people and I'm so easily hurt because of this.

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dontknow26

Yes, yes, yes ... sounds like me

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Dolphin14

Your hiding is probably causing emotional harm to your family.

Have you talked to them about this?

I would imagine a child would see it as work is more important to you.

You must do some bonding with them? School events? Sports?

Dinner?

You are not straight home from work and to bed are you?

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dontknow26

Yes, straight to bed. They know i’m “sick” and getting help. And I do bond with them here and there, but maybe only once a week or so when I can handle it. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty days that I don’t make it to work either.

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Daisymom

Sounds like you’re concerned because you love them… They are showing up for you and you are not showing up for them. I wonder if you use your disappointment in them as an excuse to get away with not showing up. you have a few years to do so… Once your kids are out on their own you can hide in your room as long as you want… But you brought those children into this world… They didn’t ask to be here... you might feel better if you just show up knowing it’s the right thing to do and that somewhere down the road you can crawl back into the hole... which trust me I understand.

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dontknow26
dontknow26
in reply to Daisymom

It’s true. When I force myself to show up for my kids, I do feel better. Just wish it didn’t have to be forced.

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Daisymom
Daisymom
in reply to dontknow26

I get it… You’re depressed. That’s the natural feeling however… You do have to be forced… Because that’s your responsibility… And responsibility is a good thing… I’m sure you’re a good mother ... you got in a bad place but now you need to pick yourself up and go there because you don’t want your kids to resent you for the rest of their life… You brought them here that’s your job… And you love them so get up and show up and you’ll feel better… And when they’re out of the house you can take a break 😌

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Sunshine425

Ive been in these shoes before. I isolated my self for years. It was the worst years of my life... but I held on to any bit of hope that life could feel better. I reached out to a counselor & made an effort to get to the bottom of what my problems were. One day at a time I learned how to recover from all my traumas. This is no way to live. 💔💔 I hope you seek the support that you need.

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Sunshine425

Always stay true to yourself. You deserve to be happy. You are worthy of feeling safe, loved and secure.

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Matti61

I am so sorry. Depression can be a terrible thing. fearing life is also a terrible thing, but we must forge on and live life to the fullest. Talk to your Pastor and let GOD guide you thru. You will be happy again. Take Care

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sad_panda_

Can you imagine the devastating effect your inability to show love and attention to your kids is? I feel really sorry for them and you are basically guaranteeing that they will have issues and poor self esteem.

If you can’t bring yourself to be a decent mom, truly you should just leave so that they have an opportunity to heal.

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sweetiepye

A very ugly response. Reach a little deeper in, see if you find a miniscule of humanity . Pam

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sad_panda_

So I’m a monster for looking out for children’s best interests?

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sweetiepye

You did nothing for that lady's kids. You made her feel worse which worsens the problem..Helping her will help her children..

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sad_panda_

I’m trying to get her to for once think about their well-being and not just herself. Child abuse, including neglect, is devastating for children and I don’t feel the need to sugar coat it. Look out for your kids for once and not just yourself.

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dontknow26

I don’t think you understand mental illness, but that’s ok. My husband and parents are great. In fact, i’d say my children are emotionally better off than most. Honestly

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sad_panda_

Can you for a minute put yourself in the shoes of a child whose mom literally cannot stand them? They might act like everything is fine, but there is absolutely no way it isn’t damaging them. Speaking from experience as a neglected child, I wished someone would have put their foot down and said “this is unacceptable”. Once you decide to become a mom, you have a responsibility for those kids’ well-being.

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sweetiepye

You are speaking to a depressed person who needs to help herself before she can help anyone else I wonder. If it is your lack of understanding or a lack of compassion.

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sad_panda_

I’m putting myself in the shoes of a child whose mother literally cannot stand them. They’re the real victims in this.

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sweetiepye

Don’t you understand you can do nothing for these children. you can encourage the Mother. That’s it. you just want to be right. Now it’s becoming about you. Stop chirping.

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sad_panda_

If dialogue never matters, then why are any of us on this forum? I see no issue with advocating for proper treatment and care for children and pleading with the poster to think of the effect on them. *chirp chirp*

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Salems_Lot

It’s how you go about it though. Your words sounded VERY angry and sounded like you were attacking her. She has been put down her whole childhood. I think the very last thing she needs right now, is another person coming at her the way you have done. And trust me, no offense, but I highly doubt your words made her go, “Well gee golly! That’s what I’ve been needing to hear to “snap” me out of this hell I’m in!” Just try a softer approach or maybe hold your tongue/fingers next time.

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dontknow26

Of course they are victims. I can’t stand being around anyone, it’s not specific to my poor kids. I was raised in a similar fashion so I am well aware of the negative effect it has on a child. Which is why my family is open, honest, loving, and all in therapy. I promise you my kids are safe, happy, and loved. Yes, they yearn for more mom time. However, if you think it’s a choice i’m making... then you don’t understand mental illness. Would it be better that I hide my illness and try to “suck it up”? Or drink it away like many parents do? I am not selfish and my kids will be no more damaged than all the others. In fact, possibly better off than most as I said.

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Daisymom
Daisymom
in reply to dontknow26

Good for you! I think you hit the nail on the head… Your kids know it’s not them and you love them that’s what they need the most! I think you started off a little too hard on yourself. We’re all victims of life… People understand genuine concern as opposed to true neglect… I’m glad to see that this thread has turned you around from feeling like you’re not showing up to defending yourself... you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t care 🤗

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sad_panda_

So you’re both aware that they are victims and that this harms them, but also claiming they’re also not any worse off. You can’t stand to spend time with them, yet you claim they feel loved. Seems like both sides cannot be true.

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sad_panda_

Neglecting your children emotionally is literally child abuse.

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Dolphin14

It is classified as child abuse by definition.

Emotional abuse and neglect

I grew up with a mother that was distanced from all 8 of us. It was felt loud and clear she didn't want us.

My assumption as an adult was she probably suffered from depression.

I know emotional neglect and I know mental illness I've suffered both.

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Salems_Lot

Good gosh calm down!

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dontknow26

I have begged my therapist, parents, and husband to let me do that and they ALL say no way!

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BrainFog-Ninja

Hi dontknow26,

My heart feels for you and your situation....and of course your family. Of course they “won’t let you” because they love you, and are concerned for you.

It seems they also understand that your depression, and other emotional issues are not a choice really. I understand. It also sounds like you have a pretty good support system around you AND your CHILDREN. It sounds as if they are taken care of by others, since you are really unable to care for them consistently. That is all a blessing for you, and for them.

The alternative, without your husband, and family, picking up the slack...would be overall neglect, and dangerous for them. This seems more like neglect by their mother, which is never good, but seems unavoidable thus far due to your conditions. Is this unavoidable in the future? I don’t think so....you sound like you want to find the right kind of help, or why would you even bother posting here?

You are responsible for those kids too, ultimately...and I wonder what would have happened if that support system wasn’t there? Would you have stepped-up differently? Maybe. Maybe not. Only you can know that. Maybe your history is a combination of your depression, and also having an “easy out” to not show up for them. I completely get the appeal of isolation, and given the choice... may have also chosen that over raising my grown kids now. Hard to tell. But I remember having to chose “to live” and “to connect”, even beyond my comfort level, many times throughout the years. Often it is easier to isolate, than have to put ourselves out there and live. I understand.

But, sometimes our brain tricks us into thinking we’re better off alone, or they are better off without us, or it’s just too hard....dad will take care of it, or they know we’re not well, so if we just barely meet their very LOW expectations of us, they won’t ever expect more.

This is no way to live as a mother, a family, or as a person. You deserve better, and so do they! Find it. Find the way to make it better for you...

There is only 1 you. Nobody else can contribute, love, help, bond like you, or for you. It is worth the struggle for YOU to make it your job to learn how to be around them more, to get comfortable with yourself, and also get what you need from the relationships also. It is a struggle to have a family, and work, and have internal conflict such as these. I understand.

We all have people in our lives we don’t like, or can’t stand. We almost never have a choice to avoid them all together—all of them? It may be a bit telling when it is everybody, and everything. You being disappointed with everybody, should be something you dig into further with your therapist.

In the most simplest view (and it is never simple), it does seem a possibility that deep-down you are putting the feelings you have about yourself onto others (ie can’t stand yourself, disappointed in yourself, etc). Maybe not the case, just something to ponder.

It also sounds like you are a rational, caring, and honest person when it comes to your family. You aren’t trying to “blame” them, or even defend yourself really.

You do paint a very “perfect” sounding picture of your family members (other than yourself). I wonder if you really “know” them well, with all your alone time at work, and straight to bed...or if that is just how you imagine, or assume, they are...?? Do you feel deserving of your family, or cast them in a light on the other spectrum of yourself, in some way?

Having experienced mental illness in my parents, and my husband’s parents. Interestingly enough, they were very unaware of even the most obvious mental conditions within themselves. I believe that a sick parent is better than no parent. We all do what we can.

But to be honest, it all does sound very harsh, and cold, in places. In other parts, it’s like your warm, mothering, heart isn’t being allowed out..and being held down, maybe by the fear of being criticized, and judged, by others...or even worse, yourself. Just like your father seemed to have done to you, maybe?

My father was also a very critical, harsh, overly-disappointed, one way of doing things kind of man. I think perfectionists are not those who mandate others to do what they say, as they say, and to some “higher” standard in another’s mind. My father was also a very isolated, hermit, type of person. Likely bc nobody could meet his expectations? I finally let it go, and got rid of those parts of my person. Very hard to do at the time.

I was in my early 30’s before I had to decide if I wanted to mirror him (as I naturally did), or if I wanted to use the info I had gathered as a type of road map of what I knew I DIDN’T want to be.

I am rarely disappointed...like ever! Bc my expectations from my family are honesty, kindness, empathy, caring....not specifics that I set up as expectations for myself, that they cannot meet. Disappointment is 100% self controlled. Now, I almost never disappoint myself. I just be me. It is enough. YOU are enough too!

Maybe you like yourself just fine...alone. Or maybe your dislike is well hidden within. Maybe you don’t like yourself at all...around other people, and your family. Who knows, something similar could explain your seemingly conflicted state on that topic.

Surely your brain justifying that you can’t stand anybody, would be a bit easier to face...than the real conflicts you must be having deep inside yourself. I wonder if you have been honest, and honest in therapy, as in your post.?

You don’t just need talk, you need to find solutions for yourself, with a therapist that not just listens, but makes you think...strive, learn about yourself, and pushes you to become a better version of you.

You should be pressing for answers to help your situation, and how you feel daily. Hold yourself accountable to find the path for you to be the mother that you want to be, the wife, the person, that your family deserves, and in a manner that you can be genuine and free to be yourself, without fear. Clearly there is a lot going on, and I don’t know your situation (neither does the previous poster on neglect and you should leave to spare the children). Strongly disagree if they are being well cared for, as you mentioned.

No worries about that. Not everyone understands that generally mental health issues cannot be overcome by just trying “harder”. It sounds very unfortunate, complicated, and yes, even damaging to your family; however, the area that stands out to me is that you have felt this way for 30 years? While having counseling, and meds???

Uhhh..***BEEEEEPPP** I think time is up for being content with the counseling and meds you have been using. I strongly hope you will become purposeful, and proactive, with your self-care...and find that deep spark of motherhood deep within you...to make the last few years of your children being at home different.

You can make it different for them, and for you. Better. They have supported, coped, and helped all these years without much of your connection. The most important thing you can do is to be present, whatever that means, in the moment with your kids. It would be understandable if over the years you have even become resentful of your kids, or family, or even blamed them in some way for your depression. Not helpful, or wanted, but not entirely unheard of is all I mean.

Now is the time for you to determine what is needed to do better for your kids and family. Notice I didn’t say to do what is “perfect”, or “right” even...just better. There is still time...find another therapist. CBD therapist, for depression and anxiety. Do the hard work of introspective searching for answers. Be committed. Be determined. You can do it!

I am just sharing my feedback, not wanting to offend, or hurt, you in any way. I hope you take the suggestions and comments as such, and with all of the hopeful caring wishes that you can get the help you need to have a full life. By you reaching out and posting as you did...really on behalf of your children, and family, means that you are a caring mother and you are willing to find a better path as a gift that will stay with them the rest of their lives. It is not too late.

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dontknow26

Wow, thank you so much. Yes, my husband is a terrible enabler and has allowed me to be very comfortable in this role. Yes, I do think I am projecting a lot of feelings on to others. I have tried every medication there is. Currently on pristiq, gabapentin, lithium (super low dose), and adderall. I’ve never found meds that work well. I went to graduate school and became an LPC (not working as one, don’t worry!) still can’t seem to “fix” myself. True, I probably don’t hate all people. I’m just not going to deal with them because people are selfish and relationships are painful, even good ones. And yes, I have a battle in me of the person I was raised to be and the person I want to be. The battle makes me tired so I just give up. You gave me lots to think about, thank you 💕

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Philjc
Philjc
in reply to sad_panda_

No I think the kids are obviously intelligent and understand her illness.

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Salems_Lot
Salems_Lot
in reply to Philjc

YES!

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horizonwatch

"You should just leave" Wow. People come here to reach out for support, not to be harshly judged in such a nasty way. This woman needs help, not shaming and judgement. Sorry, but making her feel like she's a horrible person isn't helping. If you can't respond in a compassionate yet still honest way, then you should leave this forum. You don't know what she's been through. You haven't walked her shoes. If you'd lived here life, you may be in the same situation. She wants to get help and she wants to get better and can only do so with support, not hostility.

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AjaStar

Commit yourself to a family outing once a month on the weekend. Everyone can take turns on deciding where to go and what to do. The fact that you are here writing about this, means you want to change and that is your first step. Good job! Once a month....it’s not so bad. We deal with our period once a month so if you can do that you can do this and remember your family, the ones that love you, it’s for them as much as it is for you! 😀

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dontknow26
dontknow26
in reply to AjaStar

I actually try to commit to one a week! It drains the heck out of me and I can only last a few hours but it’s better than nothing :)

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Agora1
Agora1
in reply to dontknow26

Maybe you can start with Family Game Nite once a week.

Nothing like interconnecting with the family all around a

board game. I think you'd be surprised at the smiles you would

get from them as well as yourself. Sounds like they are old enough

to play. You will be in your own home and maybe feel more comfortable.

Once you all reunite, you might want to venture out to a fun place as well

as having a bite to eat. These steps may be small but will be memorable.

Years from now, they will remember the times they spent as a family and

actually had fun. You all need this right now. :) xx

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Kkimm
Kkimm
in reply to Agora1

Very good idea. Small steps are the way forward not trying to do too much too quickly

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Magicdreamer

Wow! Your story is VERY similar to Byron Katie. Wow! She's fabulous and if you really want to, you can check her out on YouTube and her book called The Work. 💐

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dontknow26

Thank you! I will

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sweetiepye

as you know Magic I think this is an excellent resource.

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Magicdreamer

Yeah, her inquiry is definitely opening my mind... 💐

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mysmugcat

Hello, I am not a therapist but I find it very interesting that you feel you were not good enough for your Dad. Was he neglectful etc? Are you consciously or subconciously maybe repeating this pattern with your family? It is common. I remember having to work at my feelings towards my stepson at times. I had neglect a a child. I understand you also have depression which is awful.

Try different activities, for you, you and your partner and the kids. I doubt you dislike everything. I thought maybe I did, but I rediscovered cards etc and do like them. We all need something to look forward too and I have to work at this too. You never know you may also want your kids to look after you in the future? I am an only child, my stepson lives many miles away though we see each other when we can. Being alone can be overrated...

If you were all alone, the novelty may wear off. I miss my partner being here, also he had his ways, but I miss them too, he died. Pm anytime.

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Philjc

Clearly you have two grounded youngsters who obviously understand your condition as they leave you to fester , you would be there to fight their corner if they needed you, they know that.

You are a spiritual person and obviously wealth is not your ideal, but could it be used to impact on someone less blessed? ( as there is always someone in a worse situation than you if you look)

Challenge me if you disagree, it will do you good to have your say and prove to yourself that you can do it. Phil.x.

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dontknow26
dontknow26
in reply to Philjc

Yes, one of the only joys i still get is from volunteering and helping others. I visit with the homeless, rescue animals, volunteer for organizations, give money/care packages to those in need, etc. Interesting that I enjoy being around those people! I do get my boys involved in this, it’s the main way we bond. It has become less frequent through the years though.

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Philjc
Philjc
in reply to dontknow26

1) your assessment of yourself is too harsh then if you do these things.

2) I think you know the answer to your situation.

3)you have a right to enjoy your life, and will reap the rewards of helping others, how can you deny others the comfort you can give, if you are no longer a prisoner in your own home.

That includes your Sons.

Lecture ends.

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Aunty_M

Have you thought of setting some goals for you and your family? Nothing too big, something simple starting with you first, like on your weekend, start walking outside for 10 minutes. Being isolated inside is what causes your depression to worsen. I know it's hard, because for me, there are times I also wish I could lock myself in a room, it sucks, but the more I isolate myself in a room, the more I end up feeling more alone and start crying all the time. Start these small goals for you first and then when your ready, set goals into something more like 20 minute walks and maybe after you're more comfortable maybe your husband can tag along and then your sons and then make it a family thing. Remember, this is about you, you need to takr care of yourself in order to take care of your family. Family is worth the effort, even if right now it feels like it isn't. I hope things grt better. 😊

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dontknow26
dontknow26
in reply to Aunty_M

Thank you! I try to go to the pet store every day. Sounds weird, but I like it there. I’ve actually gotten quite close with the staff. My family thinks i’m crazy because it’s become my second home! They tag along too with me often even though they think its strange :)

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Agora1
Agora1
in reply to dontknow26

Have you ever come home with a furry friend? xx

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dontknow26
dontknow26
in reply to Agora1

We have a dog, cat, and fish. I kept getting them for my kids but the animals tend to hang with me. Maybe teenagers are too much for the pets to handle too!

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BrainFog-Ninja

Haha. I hear that! I look like Dr Doolittle w/the parade of animals that follow me around (all intended for the kids).

You are right—I think teenagers are a lot to handle, period... for everybody. Ok, maybe not everybody..But for real...they are a lot! My teenagers weren’t consistent enough for the animals’ liking. They wanted to be, but were gone, or busy, so most of the time.

Do you have a special connection with any of your animals? Any stay with you in your room? Maybe help you with your troubles? Your fish may be a great listener. Haha. Have you tried?

You mentioned going to the pet store, and that really helping you. Not dumb at all. Your boys just don’t understand it really. So what. Animals don’t judge, criticize, or disappoint. Pets also aren’t going to tell you that you disappointed them. Instant peace via animal is pretty straight-forward to me...

Using the animal members of your family for emotional support might help you sort some things with yourself, in preparation of finding ways to widen connections w/the humans in your family. Just a thought.

Doesn’t work for everybody... but it does for me. And all the humans in my life know it. If I go to my bedroom for a little “isolation”, often my husband will crack the door, and stuff the dog thru...muttering something to him like, she needs you—go help her.

My dog is such a great listener, and consoles me when I’m having troubles. Little ones, big ones, sadness, anger, exhaustion...he can handle all of it. The only thing he couldn’t take was tears. He would ditch me quick—at the first sign—he was gone! It became our family joke.

Then a couple years ago (my mom died) he suddenly made an exception for me, and ever since has accepted my tears, wailing, and even ugly-scary-sobbing-hysterical crying. He must be relieve those fits have finally become very rare. Now he just licks my tears and stays right near-until I work out whatever it is.

I can tell him my inner most feelings, and (since he was sworn to secrecy) I’m never concerned w/any humans getting their feelings hurt by my confiding in him. I can work out conflicts with him. Lol.

Something about putting my feelings into real words, like saying them out loud, and then having to consider what I just said. Often I find that I’m not as conflicted as I thought I was...and other times, as soon as I say whatever it is that seems so huge...just fades away into nothing.

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dontknow26

Lol, I am cracking up thinking of your husband sending the dog in. So dang funny!!!! I’m going to remember that when I need a chuckle 💕

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Amz1987
Amz1987
in reply to dontknow26

I wonder have you thought of volunteering at your local shelter? Walk the dogs, hangout with the cats etc? I like animals more than I like people lol 😝

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Amz1987
Amz1987
in reply to Amz1987

Apologies I’ve just read the above that you already do lol

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Aunty_M
Aunty_M
in reply to dontknow26

That's great, they tag along because they want you to get better, not matter how weird. This is them trying to be a good family to you, sometimes it's okay for your family to take care of you, not just the other way around, so why not let them. Go out in the living room and watch tv with them for an hour, make dinner but not just you, all of you has to pitch in, may do a bbq, guys like that, have them grills away while you make a salad and set up the table. Lol. Small goals first. That's all it takes. 😊

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Amz1987

That’s really sad :(

Sounds like it’s time for a new therapist and meds it might be worth a try?

I feel for you, I have 4 kids and sometimes I just think gosh they just want, want, want but then I remember they are children and I am the person that brought them into the world. They need me and they aren’t going to be needy forever but I need to make sure I’m supporting them emotionally because what we do as parents do leave scars that they take on into adulthood. Unfortunately for me I have no choice I have to push on through and do all the things because I have no family/friends living near me to help and husband who runs a business and can’t be at home enough to help.

They will be moved out soon enough and you can do as you please.

Small things will help even if it’s just to eat a meal together or watch TV together for an hour or so.

When we are in this state of mind we need to be pushing ourselves to try overcome the depression and anxiety. Otherwise we will get to 80 and have all these regrets and a life wasted doing nothing but dwelling in our bad feelings/thoughts.

You’re alive, you’re healthy and you are STRONG! You can get though this, and you can enjoy your life. You just have to push yourself a little by little.

Good luck I hope you can find some more happiness in your life because you and your family deserve it, you really do deserve to feel good within yourself.

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RCCOLA

Have you ever considered moving away for a month, maybe even permanently? I'm not sure how you'll feel but just thinking about it isn't the same as actually doing it. Perhaps it will give you a perspective you haven't yet had. Maybe it would be best for everyone. In no way am I trying to be harsh but this seems like an instance where things will only get worse and you will hide away even more. Regardless, I really hope somehow you can feel better and that your family is okay as well.

I'm not a believer in therapy whatsoever. For those that are, good for you, I'm glad it's working. But I have to ask, how effective is therapy if you're going for 30 years and things have only gotten worse?

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dontknow26
dontknow26
in reply to RCCOLA

That’s a complicated question because I have almost moved out many times. Even signed a lease once. Also have considered going to treatment many times. I chicken out at the last second every time. We often joke of buying a duplex and mom will live on the other side. Not funny I know, but its our joke 😬

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RCCOLA
RCCOLA
in reply to dontknow26

Yeah, well I feel for you and wish I could offer something else that might be of some help.

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JkBauer

Hate is an awful strong word. Are you sure you want to use that word? You got married years ago, you must love your husband- you said he is amazing, you said your boys are good boys. I believe deep down inside somewhere you love your immediate family as well as your supporting family. I believe your husband and boys are starving to be loved by you. That is why they are so needy. You sound like a great wife and mother, you are just afraid to confront what the real fear is. Why don't you try something creative to let your husband and boys know that you really do love them. Take baby steps, tell them when you see them that you love them or if that is too hard, try taking their hand and give them a smile before you go back into your bedroom. Maybe, you can have each of the boys and your husband come into your safety zone one at a time and get to know your family for just a few minutes at a time.

I have a thought-provoking thought for you to think about. How do you expect your teenage boys to grow up treating young ladies right when their mother is not willing to teach them? The teenage years are such a crucial time in life. They are letting go of childhood years and trying to find their independence and where they fit into life. They need a father and mother to teach them the values of life. Think about all the wonderful memories you are missing out on making with your husband and kids and extended family. What are the side effects of your medicine? Can they be playing havoc with your attitude and behavior towards your family? - I am a person who believes in saving grace. I believe that God is a loving God and wants the best for all of us! I believe He is a gracious and forgiving God. I pray and ask for help when I go through tough storms in life. I ask for peace and guidance through the storm and that He will take care of and protect my family. I still have to go through the storm, I just now I am calmer and see new open doors or windows of opportunity to grow and learn and move forward and eventually I have learned something that now I have a new purpose to help someone else out, to love better, be more compassionate, empathy, to be more helpful...

I hope you will learn to love your family because they sure love you!

I will pray for you and your family!

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Mifresita

I think you should be trying to be a mother for your children even though you might hate them. You’re the one that brought them into this world. In the end they might have the memory of a mother who never cared and with that comes consequence. They need a both parents as role models because who knows what could come as a result. Some kids become douchebags who feel entitled and become selfish jerks. Seriously it’s time to wake up and do something about this. Keep working though, you can use your retirement to travel and do stuff that makes you happy

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Mifresita
Mifresita
in reply to Mifresita

Travel with your kids. It could be a good bonding moment

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dontknow26

My kids are the furthest things from douchebags, but thanks 😂

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Mifresita

No not now, I meant in the future. Kids need both a father figure and a mother figure to set examples for them so they know how to react to certain situations in the future. Like how to treat woman for example. Life lessons can be taught from both parents however there are some things that mothers provide in which the man cannot. Kids need the motherly feel. Being a mother is so much more than just giving birth to them.

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Salems_Lot

Wow.....I truly hope YOU are NOT a motivational speaker or a therapist! Lol. You sound like either a very young person who doesn’t know much or possibly just a jerk who thinks they are better then others.

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Mifresita

I’m not. Just speaking from personal occurrences.

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Mifresita
Mifresita
in reply to Mifresita

Sorry if I offended anyone. I was being a little blunt

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lisamegachewy

Your personal story sounds like moderate to severe clinical depression. I suspect if you had an apartment to yourself that your symptoms wouldn't disappear & perhaps, your depression & isolation would worsen. Isolating behavior is a coping mechanism & it causes a lot of shame. I say this from experience. Your kids & husband will learn to cope without you & learn how to expect less from you. It does hurt them & I assure you, they want nothing more than your presence & attention. Think about why you can derive pleasure, success & motivation from work & not from your home life. Having a family includes sacrifice & sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do or enjoy doing. I think your children especially deserve your time & attention, so force yourself to participate & force yourself to spend time with them. Maybe you could choose activities that you enjoy or select activities that you can endure without resentment. If you don't want to leave your room, invite them to sit on your bed with you & watch a movie, or let them pick their favorite YouTube videos & watch them together. I've suffered from this sort of depression (intractable & with significant social withdrawal). When feeling this way, I have to force myself to do the things I know I should be doing, but have no desire or motivation to do. I decided to have my children & I must be involved, present & loving for their benefit & welfare.

Talk openly with your spouse about how you feel & maybe consider adding a second day to your therapy schedule. Also, be 100% real & honest in your sessions; your therapist can't help you if you aren't honest about your avoidant behavior & depression. You recognize your unhealthy patterns & behavior; you've been open here & that's a success. I don't think you're selfish; I think you're stuck & very unhappy. Tell your family how you feel & explain that it's not their fault that you can't derive pleasure or enjoyment from life. Ask them how they are feeling & how you can make your relationships with them more meaningful. Listen carefully & try to lower the wall you've built up to protect yourself from the pain & shame. Remember, children often blame themselves & I suspect your sons probably do. I'm sure you don't want that for them & you don't want them to associate love with being dismissed or isolated in their future with other people. You can do this; like many other things in life, love is a choice. You decide what you are going to give to your family. I suspect that by sharing your feelings here & confronting the way you feel, you are ready to change, even if it doesn't feel that way. Choose love, choose sacrafice, choose vulnerability & let them help you through the difficult places being present creates. I'm wishing you the best & hope you can fake it until you make it. I know personally, not giving myself the option to withdraw from the lives of my children & husband, made being apart of the family easier. I think having a day to yourself a couple of times a month is a good idea while you're transitioning back into their lives. Ask your therapist how to navigate this adjustment & force yourself until being connected & present feels natural & welcome. Best of luck to you & your family.

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dontknow26

I’m in therapy 3 Xs / week and I am painfully honest with my therapist and my husband. You are right about the shame, it makes everything so much worse! Choosing vulnerability is at the root I think. I learned as a kid, never be vulnerable! That’s a hard lesson to unlearn but i’m trying.

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Kkimm

Hi

It is a really difficult place to be and I do feel for you. I have read most of the thread and have seen that you said did say you feel better when you are able to make the effort to be there for your boys. Perhaps you could try to create a programme for yourself where you build up a little more contact each week with some reward for yourself when you achieve this.

They have found from research that you have to fake it to make it sometimes. Try not to feel bad because the feelings are not there and you have to force yourself. This is likely to be for a very long time. However it is possible very gradually you will start to find your feelings change and that it becomes more rewarding and less difficult. Keep reminding yourself that it is your own up bringing that is causing you to feel disappointed in your boys and that it is a false unhelpful feeling but not in anyway your fault.

I think if you can make yourself stick to a programme even if it is very difficult at first things will improve.

I would be very happy to support you in that, I have GAD myself but prior to this worked with many families with similar difficulties in my professional role as a social worker and manager for 30 plus years.

As someone else commented you do appear to have very good self awareness and that should really help you succeed.

My very best wishes.

Kim

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dontknow26
dontknow26
in reply to Kkimm

Thank you! I may message you sometime :)

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Nicole84

One thing i know for sure. Your kids and your husband disappoint you because you dissapoint them too. Whatever thoughts and energy you send in univers comes back to you the same way. Whatever brought you to this stage comes from within, there is no one responsible for this. You choose to be like this. We have the power to change ourselves every single moment. You always can become a better version of you. I suggest to start digging deep inside and be honest with you, we all come in this world for some reason and whoever you meet in this life has a purpose. The feelings that others triggers in you is just a signal from your higher self is time to change something, and it will get even worse as long you accept yourself in this state. There is no human being, therapist who can help you,nobody knows you better than you do. Maybe is not in your program in this life to get old. Any day can be your last, depends just on you how you wanna live it, how you wanna feel. Takes just few seconds to switch your attention, your thoughts and your feelings. Everyting is about perception. I recommend you with all my heart to read the book " The Amazing Liver and Gallbladder flush by Andreas Moritz ". I recommend you this book because i learned amazing things, and i took out of my body years of self poisoning with medication and other stuff that consciously or unconsciously i put them in my body. I feel amazing, more energy and healthy on all levels. I have been in a dark place too, i took action and i decided how i want to live, how i want to be, i opened my heart to people to the world, and like a miracle everything changed in good. Many of those who hurt me are like completely different people, the way they behave now. The only thing that changed is me, and from there everything changed. I got back what send to the world. There are lots of amazing things in this world, you just need to want to see them. No one become sick from an external situation, you become sick become of the emotions. Be aware of what thoughts and emotions you are feeding most. We are all beautiful and perfect in our shapes, even our mistakes are perfect. We can't learn, evolve if you don't make m8s. Even the worst mistake that someone can do, it will bring at some point something good. How do you pamper yourself? How do you take care of your body? How much do you love, respect and care for yourself? The same way you love, care, respect yourself is the same way you do with others. Hating people comes from you as well, not from them. Is imposible that everyone you meet to be so bad and make you hate them. Stop spending your money and time on that therapist and start taking action youself if you really want to change something in your life. If you don't, then you can always stay in your room. But don't expect that things will change in good this way.

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Saltwater

Sorry to hear you are still going through this after so many years. I feel incredible pain for you and your family. I have suffered anxiety and depression for 30 years now and there are times when I absolutely need a place to be on my own. I need my own space and I don't always have the ability to be around people, just like you.

I am not sure that depression ever truly goes away. In my case, I think it is more of a mindset/personality trait and I learn how to manage it. I am aware of the times when I feel I am affecting my family and make a conscious effort to put on a brave face and be there for everyone, even if it is not the way I feel inside. I get tired of saying no to games and time together but they never get tired of asking me and I appreciate that very much.

My depression has zero to do with them and so I do not see why they should have to suffer for it. I find that faking the smiles actually helps me forget the pain and pretending to be okay for a while usually means that for a while, I actually am okay. I feel better for making the effort and for giving something back to them and as you mention, it picks you up to, even if just for a while.

Your family will naturally draw comparisons with your work/home life and see that mum is able to go to work and do a good job and is happy there, but she is not happy at home. That may make them look inwards and they may grow up blaming themselves and repeating the cycle with their own families. It seems to me that your hiding might be more about avoiding the feelings that you have instead of addressing them. Perhaps you don't like the way it makes you feel to be around them. Perhaps it makes you uncomfortable because you may find it easier to criticise (as your father may have done to you) than to see the effort they actually make for you?

I relate very much to what you said about keeping out the way so as not to cause emotional harm to others. That is the way I feel too. When I have bad days, and I am picking fights, I go out the way. I blame them for upsetting me but I know deep down it is me. I look for distractions from my problems by creating new problems and I upset myself by overthinking what they say and then blame them for my mood. My partner tells me not to go out the way but I choose to sometimes because I feel I am volatile and don't want to upset anyone. It is such a battle inside. He says he is not upset with me but upset that I am unhappy. He loves me, but hates the depression. It can take hours, but I come around but I know he is on egg shells sometimes and that is not nice for him to live like that. I am trying and I will try every day to get better for myself first and foremost, and also for my family who are 100% supportive.

It is admirable that you are able to maintain your job and still get up and go to work but it will also not go unnoticed by your family, that you seem less willing to make the same effort at home. You seem to be able to switch off the depression and go to work. I wonder is it because the work gives you that feeling of satisfaction and pride that you don't seem to have at home? You say you are able to be around your work colleagues and admit to even enjoying your work. Do you suppose you are somehow able to push the negativity away in order to do well at work? It seems like your issues very much revolve around the family dynamic and this could well relate to your own issues as a young person because you seem more able to get along with those outside your family circle. Just an observation.

I think your family in all their kindness and love may have tolerated this situation for so long that they have also helped forge this rut you are in. They have accepted the way you are now and I think you have too and this has solidified your behaviour. I think for work, you are more willing to put on the brave face and at least appear to get by. I think because you know deep down that you wouldn't be able to keep your job in the same way that you can keep your family. If you want to keep your job, you have to turn up, but your family will always be there for you, and that makes it easier for you to push them back.

I feel that you enjoy your job because it rewards you for being good at something. You also allow it to reward you because you turn up. You don't give that same chance to your family. Your family can help you feel better too but they can't do it through closed doors.

Do you think that you place too high expectations on them, expectations that they cannot possibly fulfil? In doing so, you are creating your own unhappiness because you are setting yourself up for a fall. Happiness needs to come from within, not from others. We share our emotions with others, but your feelings need to be your own. We need to create our own feelings and not rely on others to make us feel something.

Speaking from experience, I think you maybe find it easier to see yourself as a victim of their shortcomings. That saves you from addressing the real issues that you might not want to think about. It is easier to complain about others than to see that it is perhaps us who is being unfair to them. It is easier to say that my family upset me, my family disappoint me, when it might just be possible that you are in fact upsetting yourself with your own negativity and then blaming them for the way you feel? Bear in mind, this is what I have gone through so I am not assuming this is the same for you, just a suggestion based on my own experiences.

Think of it this way....we have an unmet inner need that gives rise to an unrealistic fantasy or desire for an object or a person which cannot possibly be met. This leads to resentment which causes conflict and despair. The end result for yourself being dysfunction and self-sabotage and the cycle continues. Relationships work on balance, not on expectations. If one person always expects something of the other in order to keep a balance then it will always go wrong. I feel there may be something in your past that is an issue here and you are possibly looking for your family to fill that void.

Perhaps deep down, you actually want to see the same toughness from your family as you did your father? Perhaps you were more able to accept the tough love from your father and you see your family as weak, needy and pathetic for being kind and genuinely nice people and judge them for caring too much. Is a soft nature weakness to you, do you think? Just a thought because this is something I relate to.

What you really need is to allow yourself to be your own source of healing. Be your own comfort. I think this is why you do well at work because you feel useful and proud of your achievements. At work, you are making your own comfort and healing yourself with good, honest hard work and feeling proud of yourself. At home, I fear you may be looking for your family to do that for you and when they don't please you, you lock yourself away and wait to go to work again so you can feel good about yourself?

Fact is, they are not there to make you feel good about yourself. You need to do that for yourself. We all do. I think you will heal if you allow yourself to be loved, allow yourself to be a parent and embrace all the ups and downs that go with it. Your family can give you all the love and emotions in the world but you are only batting it back at them because you are not able to accept their tolerance and acceptance of you. You seem almost angry that they care and call them 'needy' while really only your own needs are being cared for at home.

No one is really here to rescue us. I feel you may have created a toxic dependency on your family which leaves them feeling neglected and you feeling empty because you are ignoring the balance. Give and take is just like a tug of war. When one pulls too much and the other doesn't pull back, the line falls down. I fear this is what is happening in your home. You are not allowing yourself to heal by denying yourself the chance to function at home as you do in the workplace.

I know you can get through this but you will first need to accept that you want to address this. You are here on this forum, so you obviously want to. Life is for living. Even with depression. It is part of me too and some days I cannot separate it or live with it so well and the smiles don't come easy. The pain shows and I need to retreat for my own sanity.

However, I have learnt to separate it from my family life because if you let them in, they will actually help you get by. You don't need to be a great wife and a great mother but you can try and meet them half way. The fact that you are worrying about being a good mum means you already are one so be kind to yourself.

All the best to you. ((hugs))

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dontknow26

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!!! Are you a therapist? If not, you should be! Thank you 💕

I do enjoy work because i’m great at it. It feeds my ego. I’m complimented, appreciated, and respected. You aren’t going to get all that as a mom. In fact, even at our best, there’s still a lot of whining and complaining. Yuck!

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Saltwater

No, definitely not a therapist but I have spent the last 30 or so years stuck in my own head and you get plenty of time to ruminate! I guess I have maybe worked out a lot of my own issues in that time and can see what my problem is. I just can't seem to manage it or stop it from happening. I think in some ways it's part of who I am. I don't seem to be able to allow myself to be happy.

I really hope things get better for you. I noticed the way you were quick to defend any comments about the kids, eg, growing up to be potential douchebags.....you love your family. That is very clear to me. You are heavily conflicted and there is an everyday battle going on inside. It isn't easy to live like that. I know because I feel it too. I hate that I always cause conflict in the house. I don't mean to. I often keep out the way because I can change the mood in the house so quickly. It's like I am two people. One that likes me and one that is intent on putting me down, making me miserable, filling my head with negative thoughts etc. I often seek comfort from my family, ask for reassurance for just about everything. I am rather like a child in that respect. I am so unsure of myself and of the world around me.

I take comfort in animals too and find solace in nature and wildlife just like you do. Animals don't let you down. People do. I often say that I relate more to dead things in a museum than I do to people and I think that is because people tend to disappoint and in doing so, make you question your own self worth. Instead of being mad or angry that my extended family are selfish and arrogant, I turn that on myself and think that it is because I don't deserve to have someone think of my birthday or send me a well wish and I have done that for years. It's actually their own flaws, not mine but when you are depressed, everything is your fault.

That's why I think a job is different because you don't have to give emotion. It just pats you on the back for your effort and gives you something back in return for your time.

It's hard to live with others when you are struggling to live with yourself. This is my own issue too. Be strong. We often look for others to mirror our own selves and when we don't find this, it can leave us feeling empty and unfulfilled. I have a very warm and kind nature and am very giving. I would empty out my soul if someone asked me to but people don't do the same back and they can be thoughtless and cold and so I have stopped giving so much time and effort to my extended family because they do not give it back. It has all been one way and is so draining being the only one keeping relationships going.

My close family is fine. They are very supportive but outside of my immediate family, I have pushed them back in order to start focusing more on myself and getting well because they create too many negative emotions in me and they have emptied out my spirit these past years.

I think you will do fine if you try and find a balance, even if it is not true inside. Faking normality can work sometimes and it can help you feel better.

Stay strong and know that there are plenty of us out there that feel the way you do. It's the way we think that is the real dysfunction. I just stay busy to try to switch it off. Maybe that's why you are happiest at work because you have less time to be in your own head.

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Rainbow1313

Have you ever looked into Schema Therapy?

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dontknow26

No, but I just did! Sounds interesting. It is so dang hard to find good therapy. All these responses have 100% motivated me to seek out different therapy. Thank you!

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lillyofthevalley37

I've always said that going to work is easier than staying at home looking after your kids a friend of mine sent her kids to boarding school and worked in her families restaurant but I feel glad I saw my kids grow up

Why did you get married and have kids in the first place ?

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dontknow26

My dad somewhat made me. I REALLY wanted to end the engagement after I realized how bad this would turn out for me mentally/emotionally, but my dad said the deposits for the wedding were already paid and to suck it up basically. My parents have always told me how lucky I was to find someone to tolerate me. Thanks mom & dad!

I always wanted kids. I had NO idea the havoc it would cause on me mentally.

I love my kids and will miss them terribly when they are gone. It doesn’t make it any easier to enjoy them now though.

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porcupyne

Please seek professional help

Sound like hospital would help you

Enormously! Been there! Psych hospitals can really help you see what happening!

Don’t stay isolated with feelings of death

Your family loves you ! Don’t wait!

I’ve been hospitalized 4 times

Every time I went I got better with clarity

They stabilize you also with right meds.

Just don’t allow shock therapy! It made me

A zombie! My faith has helped me every time I asked for help! Thanks for sharing

I appreciate it! So do others

That takes courage!! Be proud! 🤗

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mfwilliams2000

Hi I agree with Kim. Fake it 'till you make it. I think you need to focus more on what you want to achieve and what you want to change and not on your negative feelings, because focusing on the negative paralyses you and keeps you locked in the situation. Think about it...you did say you feel better when you show up for your kids. Don't you want to feel better? You won't get better and feel better by doing the same things the same old way.

I empathize with you because I am a perfectionist and control freak. My parents ridiculed me for making mistakes, I was never good enough for my dad and my mom never allowed me to express my emotions, always telling me how I should and should not feel. Like you I have two boys but they're younger and a good husband, I am doing ok financially with a good home and nothing in my present life that should make me so stressed yet like I cannot cope with the imperfections in daily family life because of my dysfunctional childhood. Looking back I suffered with anxiety my whole life with various phobias and depression until I developed a full blown anxiety disorder after my second son was born and like you the only thing I manage to do well is keep my job. I also go to church and function somewhat there. I can relate to feeling like I can't stand my own kids or my husband and I feel hatred out of proportion to the situation when I get angry but I have learnt that if I want to make it I will have to do some things I don't want to do and not do some things I want to do.

I overcame depression when I read somewhere and DECIDED to apply what I heard that depression is backward thinking, focusing on the past. Looking backward I cannot move forward. The negative emotions changed after some time when I consistently CHOSE to reject them and replace them with positive affirmations and thoughts instead and I have to constantly chose the positive if I want to stay well. But I have stopped carrying the weight of negative emotions around all the time. THE CHOICE CAME BEFORE THE FEELING. The negative emotions were like a blackhole that pulled me in to my destruction and I could not rid myself of them. Nothing would change unless I changed my thoughts. It's about perception.

I am now trying to address my anxiety.

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dontknow26

Thank you! Wish I knew you in real life. Sounds like we have a LOT in common 😊

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Contra21

Im exactly like you added health problems but living on an abusive home. i dont have money and all i dream about is leaving so i dont get hit every day or abused. I wish i could work also so i could have money to leave and not have stress ruin my health. I fear dying fear of never have lived. Sending you hugs

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dontknow26
dontknow26
in reply to Contra21

Leave! Is there a shelter you can go to? Family? Church? Friends? That’s not ok what’s happening to you 😢 Where can you go?

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Saltwater
Saltwater
in reply to Contra21

This is horrible. Please tell someone. You cannot live like this. Please let someone know this is happening to you. I know it is scary to take this step, but it will really help to discuss this with someone who can offer you specialist support. Whoever is doing this is not worth the air in their lungs. Please get some advice today as this situation is unlikely to resolve itself.

xxx

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Contra21
Contra21
in reply to Saltwater

I have asked. I have been to a shelter but I was threatened to return home. So I did as it would cause problems for my dad who I am close with . I went to an agency to see if they could find me housing and my pension wage wasn’t enough. It’s ridiculous to get help. So now I’m saving to move out to get a rental. My brother didn’t offer me to stay and either did my friend . I have to do this alone. I’ve learnt to not tell ppl my problems as they are aware just don’t care enough.

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Saltwater
Saltwater
in reply to Contra21

I understand. This is very difficult for you and you worry about your father. Could you perhaps try talking with him about this? Is your dad aware of your situation at all? I suggest you maybe have a chat with your dad and see if there is something you can work out together. Even if you can't, it will help just to have someone know what you are going through and to be there if you need to talk.

People can be disappointing and it can seem like they don't care. Sometimes, it is easier to talk to strangers so if you find it easier, try finding a local group in your area. It would be very useful for you if you could join a group where you can discuss this with others.

Just remember that none of this is your fault. You are a good and strong person and I admire your ability to be on this forum, reaching out and trying to help others at such a difficult time. When you feel able and strong enough, you will be able to take yourself out of this situation. I understand you have worries about money and that makes you feel isolated. You are not alone. People are there for you when you feel able to talk about this. You are doing your best trying to cope with a very stressful situation and you have money and health worries on top. That means you are a strong person and you will get through this.

Sending you the most meaningful of hugs.

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Contra21
Contra21
in reply to Saltwater

He sees it. She has her own issues as does my mother. The only way out is to leave. Hard when money isn’t on my side

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quitter333

And the problem is???

If you are ok, stop worrying about kids. Kids grow up to be a-o-k even without parents.

If you were worried about your unique experience for kids, sure, I think you'd get over yourself. If you rather enjoy solitude - do it. Kids will grow up not knowing you that much, but that won't make them into lowlifes. Especially when there's two.

And the father will simply become their main parent.

(just remember - solitude is VERY comfortable. It's easy to get accustomed and extremely hard to stop being alone).

.

My practical advice, if you are so terribly sick, that you can't interact with people much, - interact at least with the older son. He will teach the younger things you said, and younger will actually keep you in high regard, since his main brother influences will often refer to you when sharing his older brother knowledge.

.

And regarding your lifestyle - I feel what you describe is just a habit. And log-term habits can feel like part of life even.

If you enjoy your job, it means you have at least some goals in life.

And if you have money - perhaps you can try and create a company that will allow other people also enjoy a great job like yours. A little bit of entrepreneurship can give a lot of joy to family, even if only through experience.

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TheBooG

Your not satisfied with something, can I help?

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Suzhou

It sounds like you feel stuck. Just because you are surrounded by nice people doesn’t mean you don’t need a breather. Have you told your husband how you feel? I’ve kept my emotions inside instead of talking them out. So I’m not the best person to be saying talk to him. But he’s probably going through stuff emotionally. Thinking where he went wrong when his wife doesn’t want to be near him or the family. He probably wants to help. Have you through of going on a vacation where everyone can kinda do their own thing? Have you thought of what they do that does annoy you. And then think of the things they do that you love. You might keep all this inside and then one day it just all comes out ( I’ve had those moments ).

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ciley

i relate to a lot of what you say~we have opposing forces in our nature~difficult, some people really do need GOOD FORTUNE, TO make ath while life

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