If you read my last post a few weeks ago which described the difficulties my husband Pete and I were having whilst on holiday in Spain I thought you may find it interesting to know that I made a major discovery once we got home which has changed how I am feeling dramatically in a very positive way.
Pete has always been a smoker and did find it very difficult when he gave up around 5 years ago. I saw him smoking again in secret once we got back home from Spain and he admitted that he has actually been smoking again and hiding it for the last two years. He started again soon after I became ill and has gone to great lengths to conceal it from me as I used to get very upset about it for fear he becomes ill with cancer, which is a particular fear for me and what my health anxiety focuses on.
Each time we have gone on holiday he has not taken cigarettes with him because he hopes he can use the holiday to give up again but is unsuccessful and the craving comes out as horrendous tempers against me.
I have spent 2 years whilst also very ill with GAD thinking he has undergone some strange personality change or anxiety or even the onset of dementia coming out as terrible tempers, when out of his comfort zone of being at home. Now I realise that his home comfort zone also included being able to smoke in secret.
It has made it so much harder to cope with my illness as well as the huge regrets about travel which was so important in our relationship, always being spoiled by his tempers.
I was really beginning to fear our future together thinking that his tempers were getting worse and that I could not see how I could cope with them in the future.
If only he had told me what was going on instead of keeping it concealed, even when I asked him repeatedly what he thought was making him so anxious and angry.
He now smokes again but not in front of me and realises he must take his cigarettes with him and not try to give up each time we go on holiday. I have my loving partner back again and am very happy and so is he. It does all add up that his cravings would have caused such destructive tempers in him, as I remember how angry and apparently out of control he became in the past when we were young and he could not get access to cigarettes when under stress.
I am left with trying to comprehend why he let it have this much impact on our lives without telling me what was going on. It has also led to our adult daughter being very upset and worried and at present has caused a rift between me and relatives in Spain who became aware of the difficulties in our relationship and took his side despite all the love and kindness I have shown them.
Well there it is, secrets can do such alot of damage. I accept my part in this in that he felt unable to tell me about the smoking because it upset me so much. However the upset that resulted from not telling me what was going on caused far greater damage and very nearly ended our relationship of over 40 years.
This is another picture of the beautiful gorge in which we had the incident I described in my last post. To end that short story, after around an hour or so I found him coming back the other way. He joined me to finish the walk and I covered up what I was feeling. However after this there were more incidents and the holiday went from bad to worse.
I was very upset and exhausted when we arrived home. After his secret came out he improved rapidly. I finished up with an admission to hospital overnight with a long term heart condition made suddenly worse in the aftermath of too much stress for a prolonged period of time. This increased my stress due to unpleasant procedures during the admission. I am now recovering at home having now made a firm decision to undergo a heart operation which can potentially cure a problem with my heart I have had since childhood.
I have been left feeling nervous about my heart and the test results to come from the hospital. I have a heart monitor being fitted for a week from next Thursday. However I do feel very hopeful that this operation I have finally agreed to, could really change my life for the better.
I also feel so happy about the change in my relationship with Pete and positive future this should offer us together. I even feel hopeful we can once again tackle our amazing travel adventures together again in time. In the past we have sailed in our own boat from the UK to Sardinia exploring the wonderful Mediterranean and have travelled all over Europe by campervan with our intrepid spaniel Colin who we sadly lost 4 years ago. There are lots of photos and posts about him for anyone who is interested.
Thank you so much to everyone who gave me wonderful support from my last post when I was so worried about my relationship.
This includes, All alone, JEG, Lily puppy, and others sorry if I have forgotten anyone and my friend Masa.
Very best wishes to everyone.
Kim
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