Need Support from Someone

[Beccalei12]

I am new to this site but found it when googling depression support. I struggle with Depression, PTSD, Bipolar, and Anxiety. I have a lot going on and am embarrassed to discuss it with my support group of friends, but I need to vent and advice. I’m laying in bed with a bottle of southern comfort and begging God to take me “home” in my sleep so I know I’m in a low place.

Backstory:

I was married for 1 year but left him after month 7 in our marriage. He was abusive mentally, emotionally, and physically. He only shoved me one time (the night before I left him) but he raped me over the course of our marriage. I loved him and thought in a marriage I was to provide sex whether or not I wanted to; he manipulated me in a lot of ways and would make me drink sleeping aids so make me unconscious but I would wake up to him having sex with me while I was sleeping. Again, I know how messed up this was and it is somethings that still haunts me.

My mother was my saving grace. She helped me plan my escape and rescued me from my situation. I moved home with her and began to piece my life back together. I lived with her a month and then got my own place to start over 15 min away from her. My mom and I were always close. I would talk to her all the time and we had a very special relationship. One day, 7mo later, I wanted to call her to tel her some good news that happened at work and before I had the chance my brother called to say she was being taken to the hospital. My mother had a massive stroke and died 10 days later. I was by her side while she fought to breathe on her own but on Day 10, it was time to let her go the way she requested years ago. “I don’t want to be alive, I want to live.”

Before she passed, I began dating a man that she said, “He’s not your usual type. I wouldn’t have pictured him for you but I like him.” He was blue collar to my white collar past relationships and lifestyle. I love him and honestly do not think I would have survived without him through the loss of my mom. We have been together for 3 years and while we love each other, I don’t know if he is what I need in this stage of my life.

I have been a victim of anxiety and PTSD since my youth when I was sexually molested by my neighbor’s older brother. I suffered a long time before sharing that with anyone. I have a need for control and do not like too much interaction outside my close group of people when I am not working. When my mom passed, I went into an extreme depression. I did not speak to anyone outside my brother and boyfriend and went days before showering or eating. My now fiancé and I struggled to get though that because he doesn’t understand depression. He and I fought a lot and we had to decide if we wanted to continue our relationship. We made it though and things got better.

Fast forward to the present two years after my mom’s death. I work a lot and so does he. I still struggle with Anxiety and Depression and am tired all the time due to the fact that I am an Introverted Extrovert (I’m extroverted at work and it exhausts me because I’m a true introvert playing the part). Depression and work takes a toll on me and my fiancé works a lot. He gets upset that I am too tired to do things outside of work. I struggle with depression every day and most days it’s difficult to pull myself out of bed and make the effort to shower. He does not have depression and doesn’t “believe” in that type of stuff. He doesn’t understand and I’m at a loss. For two years he stood by me and helped me get though the hardest thing I ever had to experience (mom’s death), but now my depression is getting worse the more I think about her (marriage, babies, etc) and he just doesn’t understand. Instead, he gets upset that I didn’t finish the laundry because I was too tired.

I don’t know what to do. I have never had a relationship as strong as ours, but I don’t know if I can continued to be scolded for not feeling up to doing stuff, even cleaning house. I do some but I cannot do it all and because he works late he expects it to all be on me. I love him and know I wouldn’t have survived without him, but is that as far as this should go? Am I not going to ever be supported for my depression? I don’t know what to do or even really know what I’m asking. I guess I just wanted an opportunity to vent and not feel judged.

[JEG325]

This is a good site for venting. I am truly sorry for all the trials you have gone through. I had to deal with the death of my father and mother about 12 years apart and it went really hard on me.But, I will listen to you anytime I am available. I have 2 ears, strong shoulders and plenty of time.

I will ask God to help you though your trials. Maybe you should have a doctor/psychologist/counselor speak to your fiance and tell him what's going on. It might be the only way to get through to him. If you d that and he keeps complaining, then he's not the one. Okay?

Otherwise have as awesome of a day as you can!

[Greygal]

God does not want you back yet, he have a purpose for you in this life. And his plans for you is the best for you. I understand the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed every morning because that how I felt every single day. But sometimes other than getting the support of others, we need to push ourself a little, it easier said than done, I know because other than god the only one who can help us is ourself. Continue to pray to god but not asking him to take you back but pray to him to ask him to live your life the way he intend and plan.