I really need your help in assisting my husband who is refusing to seek help for his depression. The thing is he does not believe in talking to a professional, his thing is where would he start?
My husband is so depressed on the rare occasions that he tries to talk about it he sometimes sobs like a baby..he is not satisfied about everything..his work (feels like he is a failure) his family life( so worried about what kind of a father he will be to his son, he is currently 4 years old) he believes life is not worth it wishes he could die. he has resorted to alcohol as an escape mechanism..he tries to stop for a few days but then goes back again..currently he drinks a bottle of wine everyday. He is such a respected member of the community and nobody knows about all this except me..as he pretends to be okay when he is around people.
Is there anyone with a similar problem and how are they coping and how to they offer support?
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Popinayiza
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I'm so sorry you and your husband are going through that. What about coaxing him into it by saying you'll go with him? What about making the appointment and then gently (or firmly) informing him he's going? I'm thinking once he gets over that hurdle and finds himself on the couch a couple of times, he'll completely change his mind about getting help. He's probably parroting what he learned from the older generation. "I've got this. I can handle this. I don't need help." We all need to break away from those "lessons" at times.
sorry to hear that but he has to get support from the AA before the drink really takes over then he really will feel like a failure as he could stand to lose everything.even offer to go to counselling with him but he has to open up soon.its hard for you to shut off your feelings and emotions but you have to try as it will effect you as well.just keep reassuring him of all the great things in life he has even record some memories for you and the kid to watch over things like that can trigger folk into realising things aint that bad.you can only offer so much but the nitty gritty is down to him to open up.
Would he be willing to go to his regular family doctor and get some meds for depression? Maybe he thinks his situation is unusual or extreme but family doctors prescribe antidepressants all the time
Thank you so much for your responses. Unfortunately he will not go with me either..he gets very angry when i bring up the subject of talking to someone even his doctor..he tells me he is dealing with it his way..
With alcohol i have tried telling him he cant drink in our house in front of his son but he insists one day he will stop and no one will stop him except himself..So Now i am trying to be supportive even if i don't want him to drink.
I will try the memories thing as well maybe it will help. For now my only hope is prayer to keep me sane.
I have suffered with depression my entire life and was very good at hiding it in my younger years. Your husband is in a duplicate situation as myself 5 years ago. I too self medicated with alcohol and I can tell you from experience that no good will come of it. His consumption rate will continue increasing to the point of not being able to get thru the day without it. I was married and had three beautiful girls. My wife as well excepted that I drank despite not liking it. It eventually became that I was drunk any time I was at home. It cost me my marriage and custody of my children. Alcohol is not a substitute for dealing with your emotions. Neither is bottling it up and trying to hide it. 5 months ago I finally hit a breaking point of everything i had kept inside my entire life . I stopped showing up for work at a job I had been at for 15 years. I isolated myself myself in my house, ignoring all phone calls and people at the door. Followed by a two month spell on the path of self destruction. Binge drinking and not eating or drinking water put my body into a state of severe dehydration and starvation. I lost 45 lb in those too months that I could not have afforded to lose. As well As barely sleeping I started having psychosis like hallucinations. In the end all the damaging and weakening I had done to my body caused me to have a heart attack. Bottling up those feelings and emotions is one of the worst things you can do especially if you suffer from depression. Eventually they will come out and you never know what kind of monster is going to come with them. In the end it is your husband that has to make the decision to seek help. But if he values any aspect of his life he needs to do it now.
Thanks for sharing your story.i hope you are much better and have taken control of your life..strength to you i shall continue praying and hope thathe doesn't get to that extent.
This is very troubling. And if it is troubling for me to read, I can ONLY imagine how terrified you must be for yourself and your son.
In particular you wrote:
"With alcohol i have tried telling him he cant drink in our house in front of his son but he insists one day he will stop and no one will stop him except himself..So Now i am trying to be supportive even if i don't want him to drink."
If you support his drinking in any way, you are enabling him. You can be loving, but this is the hardest kind of love because one is good-love (putting your foot down for you and your sons safety), and the functionally easier kind is to submit to his addictions and hopefully not be hurt physically. He has already ignored your signal that you are afraid by asking him the above.
He clearly has no respect for you.
My fear is that when he has consumed too much, as usual, that he becomes violent.
Yes, I don't know him. But he also does not know himself when drunk, and has no neurological ability to REGULATE HIS EMOTIONS, thus becoming angry even when you do something as non-threatening as lay down a boundary.
This is what I would do:
1. Figure out how much money you have & always have enough for a hotel room,
IF: 2. You have no family or friends with whom you could stay until he wakes up to reality, if ever.
3. if you work (which can be tough with a 4 year-old), figure out a way to save money on the side, with a friend, or if you have a joint account, go to another bank completely and start a secret account for your son and you. DO NOT give the bank your address--
4. You need to contain your son, yourself, both of YOU emotionally.
If your son sees this and feels this angry energy (even at four), and feels your fear---which, I know he does--- and please be brave.
5. I know what I am venturing is beyond hard but between the complete lack of respect he has for you-- to the extent that you are invisible to him (remember what he said to you when you asked him to stop drinking in front of you and your four year-old? (nothing was taken seriously).
6. please let me know where you are located and I can find you a group of Adults who are married to alcoholics.
7. Please know how much you are worth and deserve: a REAL man to see this and illustrate it through actions of gentle goodness.
What kind of a man drinks and scares his family?
I don't judge him, and my focus is on You and YOUR SON. Your son, whom I am positive you do not want to grow up seeing and doing the same thing your husband is, but only to another woman.
Please know how beautiful you both are as a human beings.
Please reach out for help and create a society-family who can help protect you and help you thrive.
One of two things will happen. He will refuse to quit or say he will stop. If he says the latter be prepared to find hidden bottles around the house. Either way leaving temporarily is definitely your best bet. He will be angers, defensive and hostile at first. What you really need to pray for is that once he cools down the realization of what he stands to loose will set in. Whether he will choose the drink or his family. If he has only started drinking heavily recently it should be a no brainer
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