Loving mother

[Lilidog]

How do I tell my daughters that their father raped me? 40 years of pain fo me.

[Hidden]

Dear Lilidog

please, please work with a therapist before asking your daughters to share this unbearably painful burden.

40 years is a very long time to suffer the pain alone, but they are not the right people to tell, in my opinion. From the way you phrased your question, it sounds like you have decided to tell them, but to what end? Have you considered the damage and heartache this might cause them?

[Lilidog in reply to Hidden]

I believe they should know. He stole my children. I don't know what he told my girls. I just found put he told them I moved to Virginia. I was there once for 5 days.

My daughters need to forgive me. I have told them that their father is a monster. No specific s. Have appt. with psychiatrist soon

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to Lilidog]

Why don’t you wait until after appointment? How often do you see your psychiatrist? And how long have you been in therapy? This is a big deal, like everyone has been saying. And once you’ve done it you can’t take it back. Also, since you’re asking us what we think, there obviously is some doubt in your mind. I would want to be more than 100% (if there was such a thing), before I did it. Talk to your professional some more.

[Lilidog in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

I'm sure. I have nothing left to lose

[Lilidog in reply to Hidden]

Yes, for 40 years every therapist has told me to tell.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to Lilidog]

So what has stopped you for 40 years? Why do you need more opinions?

[Lilidog in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

My daughters got in voved in their own lives

[Hidden]

I'm sorry. That's a tough one. If it were me and he wasn't in the picture or a danger to you and the kids anymore, I wouldn't tell them. It would be traumatic and for what reason.

If he is around them or grandchildren, then I would tell them for their safety.

Not sure how to go about it though.

I told my daughter about what her uncle did to me in case she ever comes across him. So far since I disowned him twenty years ago, she has never had to meet him. He ducked out of going to our dads funeral so me and my daughter could go.

[lillyofthevalley37]

You don't have to tell her ?

[Mary-intussuception]

What makes you feel the need to tell her now?

[Lilidog in reply to Mary-intussuception]

My daughters think I'm a little off. So far fr the truth. Blamee for wanting to spend holidays with my family without having to look at him. I'm tired of everone thinking they have to protect him from me. I've spent the last 3 Christmas alone. He caused me so much anxiety

There is more to this story

[Mary-intussuception in reply to Lilidog]

So your daughters know him ?

[Lilidog in reply to Mary-intussuception]

Yes

[Mary-intussuception in reply to Lilidog]

For how long? How did they find out he is their biological Father ?

I'm guessing your daughters are twins?

[Lilidog in reply to Mary-intussuception]

Yes

[Lilidog in reply to Mary-intussuception]

Yes

[Lilidog in reply to Mary-intussuception]

On going shit. The bastard stole my girls then marriedy best friend.

[Dolphin14]

I agree with the others. This really needs to be discussed with a professional first.

I don't think I would tell my daughters? 2?

Any of this. What purpose would it serve?

Do they know who their father is? If it's a case of them not knowing and wanting to know, there are ways to share the story without the detail.

Personally, I don't see the need. Unless like someone said it's a safety issue.

[Lilidog]

My girls are adults now. They hsve known their father all their lives. I can't hide my PTSD. I'm afraid he is still dangerous. I have a 18 year old granddaughter. Psychiatrist s say I should tell.

[Ragdoll15]

I have the same story as you with my ex. I didn't know whether to tell my daughter, however I did tell her five years ago. She never really showed much emotion and still saw her father. However something happened which opened her eyes to his behaviour and now she is distancing herself from him and she and I are very close. I think only you know what is the best decision about whether or not to tell your daughters bearing in mind you don't know what their reaction will be and how it will affect them. Maybe you should discuss this with your therapist. I never had one so maybe I did not handle it in the right way. Good luck x x

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Do they need to know?

(My brain working here.)

Pros and cons on a list.

Do you need to tell them it was rape? It’s your pain you chose to take on heroically I might add. It’s not theirs. Why can’t they be the gifts you were given? Why does the sperm donor count?

My mother is a product of rape. She’s 76. It would have been best left with her aunts. My mom didn’t ask to be born with that pain. My grandma never told her. Her aunts told her in her 40s. It was awful. Okay mom had a love affair that’s not spoken of. How romantic. Mom was raped not so romantic. That was my grandmothers choice. She did keep her pain and my mom as a blessing.

If you can why pass that on to them? It’s not really their business. A lucky sperm donor created them with you and you got to keep the reward.

[Lilidog in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

He took them from me. I need to clear things up. I don't know what he told the

[Mary-intussuception in reply to Lilidog]

Sorry Lilidog, I still don't understand how your daughters know who there biological father is -

nor how they got to meet him.

[Lilidog in reply to Mary-intussuception]

We were married fo 5 years. He's a drunk. Took my girls, they never came home again. I have PTSD.

[NeuronerdDoaty]

In that case my friend you put on your best warrior outfit and without any anger and without him around you tell them he’s a rapist. No being passive-aggressive. No tears. Just like it is. If you’re doing it to hurt him or because you hurt then a great big no! If you’re doing it because for a season he has a relationship with them it will all work out without you interfering and looking like the martyr or bad guy. I let my daughter ignore me for a decade. She still mostly does. It’s because no matter how you bring things up you look bad and manipulative. I believe if it hasn’t been a decade of no talking I’d let it go. Our children never do get to the depths of hurting us. I’m glad my scars don’t show from my adult children. My heart and soul goes out to you. Love them. Speak only good of them and they’ll return.

[Lilidog in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Thanks. I've kept silent because I didn't want them.to feel my shame. I have a story that will make your head spin. Thinking of writing a book. No money for ghost writer. I compare myself to."Sybil"

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Lilidog]

Write your story if only for you and your daughters.

[Lilidog in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Thanks for listening