I just need to get this out. I need to be stronger and I’ve been working on that. I am ok. I just have all these wishes for the future and I prepare somewhat for it, the best way I know how. God is not enough to believe in. I wish and believe in a happy life for my kids and I work hard for that every day. They are my life. Some day they will be on their own. Some day I will die. Some days I feel like dying now like today. But I stay for them. The love I have is huge. I only would die if they were not in my life. So if they all leave I will too. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But I’m attracted to thinking about doing it. I’m preparing just in case. I want to work and save up money for my kids to have and to be cremated. I will stay as long as I can. I wish I felt differently. Maybe I’ll change my mind. It depends on how it goes. I don’t have as much control over my life as I want. Oh well. I will focus on what I can control.
Wishes for my soul to leave the earth... - Anxiety and Depre...
Wishes for my soul to leave the earth TRIGGER talk of dying
Starrlight you got this stay strong and don’t let the devil get in and tell you differently! I’m glad you wrote your thoughts but also know there is so much for you to live and see with your family . I get it I’m in this hole with no way out myself but remind myself so many loved ones need us here !And in time the clouds will lift and our souls will smile and be happy again 💖🌈💖
I’m tired of my family telling me what to do all the time . As if I desperately need each one of their opinions that hurt. I’m just so hurt. I’m exhausted. They have no idea.
I get a lot of that from my family too.. l get over that by being able to laugh at myself .Many people don't like me at all off this site . I have to try and overcome that almost on a daily basis.
I too live for my children, but i also live for my husband and myself.
I want to be happy. I have a cheerful disposition.
I so desperately want to be liked.
I would recommend trying to see the humour in most things
It works for me
Keep up all the gratitude writing you used to do
Many of us are grateful to you on this site
Perfect! Thank you for sharing with me it means so much ❤️ We are so much alike
I don’t know if I believe in the devil. I believe in evil. But I don’t think I’d be being evil
What's causing all this sadness? Do you have a diagnosis?
Bipolar ptsd ocd anxiety
I am here for you!🙏❤️🌈❤️
Hi I just can’t seem to be happy for long lately. I need my alone time. I can’t take it anymore
I know you have your hands full just take sometime for yourself that is taking care of yourself whatever that looks like
❤️
You doing any better today?
Iam here for you too our kids need us they are my reason too to keep going
If anyone who cares at all in my life knew they would be upset with me that’s why I’m here my heart hurts so badly
I know that’s why I’m reaching out to keep myself in check as it helps to write and I have to tell someone. My people like friends and family don’t get me and of course I think of my kids first that’s why I’m still alive but I have to get out my feelings
When life gives us too much, I think our bodies and souls , shut down and fly to the next place. When life gets off track, it can cause big issues for us and our loved ones. For example, I think we are meant to live to be age 80, and healthy and happy. When illness or death , or trauma or?? come along and de rail the master plan. It makes things harder for all involved. It’s like we need to make age 80, and be fairly healthy. To be there for our loved ones. And to contribute our god given skills to the world. It’s like we need to be there to help our loved ones. Almost like we have to go the distance, to be sure we help, and can leave our bodies when we have gone the distance. Of course illness and death and accidents get in the way of the master plan. Rest up, take care of yourself. Take it one day at a time. We are designed to not give up. We are designed to go the distance.
You’re right. Thank you❤️
This feeling shall pass dear shines bright ⭐️
Thank you ((((((((((((SillySausage))))))))))))))
I love your line: "I will stay as long as I can". Thats my line too!I hear you and understand you to mean: "I will do the very best I can to live a meaningful life for as long as I live". Thats the right spirit for the struggle you're having. We are in this together, ok? So, hold on, and you will grow strong. You have much to contribute.
❤️ you are so awesome to share this with me. Thank you! Let’s make each day as good as possible let’s keep in touch.
Big hugs Starrlight. I'm here for you... I know it's tough. Try to find little bright spots in your day... all else fails I bet a hug from one of your kiddos will make you smile. Love.💗
((((((((((((Big hug))))))))))) thanks for being here. I will see my niece and friend today. I’m anxious but at least not feeling like yesterday. Have a beautiful day my friend.
I can really relate your situation StarrLight.
In this new season of struggle for me I am tired of being strong. I hope the verses I hear of God delighting in our weakness are true because I am out of strength.
I have learned in this season I overthink everything. Especially the future so I try to just stay in them moment and let the nagging thoughts float by.
I am also learning that I expect 597% from myself and only 0-24% from others. I am way hard on myself and don't give myself an ounce of grace, because that is some how weakness and unGodly, but I am out of strength and just doing the best with what ever energy I can muster.
Surprisingly my wife and kids have been seeing my vulnerability and been very supportive.
Do your best to take on only what you can handle, be kind to yourself and let's hope this season will pass for the both of us sooner than later.
Me too- over thinking is s tough one to conquer. I will try that- letting nagging thoughts flow by! Thank you so! I appreciate you sharing your struggles. Blessings to you. I wish you the best.
Ooh good call on everything you said and learned. At least we have what we learned from our struggle to remain strong, so taking on less of others burdens should lighten your load a little.
I'm a stranger to you, but I feel you. I've been where you are. I've gotten through. Because I took it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Just hold on to whatever keeps you going. Sunny days are just around the corner. I promise. God bless you and keep you safe.
❤️thank you so much for your kind words. Looking forward to sunny days
(((⭐️)))
My beautiful friend with the heart of gold. We understand your struggle and your pain.
You are a fabulous mom and a great friend. I struggled with the thought of what would I " be" when my girls left home. It was tough. But, they bring different joys to our life as they mature. You are so close to your boys. It's hard to imagine them not coming home to see their mom. You have built such a strong foundation for them.
Try and stay in the present. We lose so much when we look ahead. We lose days to anxiety and worry.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
❤️🐬
This is so perfect, your words. I will remember them throughout my day and always. I am so grateful and now and I feel embarrassed that I felt that way but I guess I couldn’t help it. Now I’m anxious but I’m okay.
Never be embarrassed about your emotions. They are a part of who we are. Some days are too much for us to handle alone. That's why we have each other
❤️🐬
❤️Love you so 🥰
Love you too ⭐️. Let your light shine bright today⭐️
I did... so. Much. Fun!
You have a beautiful visit !!!!!
That last comment about losing days to anxiety and worry is something I am expert in doing, that and overthinking and catastrophising ….I am truly sorry that you are having such a tough time and do so hope you will feel better soon xx
((((((((((((Primrose))))))))))) ❤️ Hope you have a good day!!!
Starlight, I hope today is a good day for you. I know how it feels when life seems like an endless carousel of pain you can't get off of. I agree that believing in God is not enough. I sometimes don't understand how if God sees our pain and does nothing, then what makes him so loving and merciful? I never got married, met the right person and had children of my own that I wanted so badly. Living for yourself should be something to consider. Imagine the joy of grandchildren and what that's like. Opinions from family can often hurt but it's your opinion that matters, not theirs, not anyone else's. Just yours.
You are so right! I have to be here for myself. Not just for others. You are so wise. Love to you ❤️
I don't know what I have for your hurts. I don't have it for me. I fail both of us.
TRIGGER???
I only would die if they were not in my life. I only would die if they were not in my life.
Gone and gone and gone and I don't know why I am here to suffer.
❤️❤️❤️remember ☔🌈 after the rain theres the rainbow. I’m so sorry you suffer so. You deserve everything good. You are such a beautiful person I love you.
Starlight, it's as if you read my mind. I struggle every month to pay my bills. I have lymphatic colitis which causes internal bleeding so I rarely leave my house because I need to wear diaper in case of accident. I tried to rent a room and got burned. I've spent the last month talking to rude police officers and a really nasty judge. The police warned me that the world is not a safe place right now. I am selling everything I can on-line (everything I own because I don't want my sons to deal with it. The serial squatter moved out but now that I know the law protects the boarders and it would cost me $3,000 and 12 months to get a boarder out, I trust no one. I am very blessed and pray every day and as often as possible but it upsets my son when I tell him I just can't do this anymore. BTW, my picture looks good but it was before pandemic. I don't bathe or wash my hair and only get out of bed to care for my animals.I want so much to get out of this mess. I have lost faith in people.
I will pray for you and thank for articulating my own thoughts. You are very special.
Hugs and blessings!
I will pray for you too ❤️❤️❤️❤️
God is not enough to believe in.
What if He is training you to be able to help others with bipolar down the road?
That would be awesome. I do learn and gain strength and compassion from the hardships but sometimes I get tired of it
I've got GAD and dysthymia with spikes of severe depression, wears me out sometimes too. Even so God is training me to help others like me, and I can't do it if I don't at least occasionally take the same beating they're getting so I don't forget what it's like.
Look for other bipolars in here and maybe share some tips you've learned.
((((((((Zhangliqun))))))))) ❤️
There have been some times when I was quivering like that.
But seriously, thanks. Remind me and I'll post my Depressive Manifesto in here that seems to have been a help to some folks in here.
Here it comes. Maybe not everything in it will apply to you, but you can sift out what doesn't. I wrote it in a reply to someone in here whose diagnoses seemed to be pretty close to mine.
***
Some pretty solid advice I've seen in here so far. The most critical thing is to never, ever give in to the idea that your mental illness is anything like a reliable indicator of the truth about the world outside your head. Once you understand that it's a lie, it becomes far less powerful because you become much less afraid of it. Fear that it will come again will often make it come again.
In my view, the people at greatest risk of suicide are the ones who start to believe that the whole world is hopeless and pointless, not just their own situation, meaning that in their minds, there is nowhere for them to escape the rising floodwaters even if they can get out of their heads for a moment. At that point, you're in a tailspin that's hard to pull out of. I almost ate a pistol in '94 because of it.
Something that really helps me is remembering that the moods do come -- and go. Just remembering that largely de-claws the lacerating despair that may be slicing and dicing me at the moment because I know from long experience that it will go. Yes, in the moment it feels like I have been in this nightmarish mood from eternity past and will be in it forever, but it will go. In remembering that I immediately feel significantly better. But again it is absolutely critical that you believe that there is goodness and worthwhile-ness in the world outside your head. Because it really is there.
Another thing that may sound stupid but really works for me is that just scrunching up my shoulders or allowing my face to sink into a grimace is a trigger. I start to get anxious and my stomach starts to boil. (Your physical posture really does make a big difference in your mental state.) But if I force myself to relax my face and shoulders, the anxiety will go away almost every time. Subconsciously I'll start to scrunch and grimace again and the anxiety returns, but again I force my face and shoulders to relax.
You may have to repeat this process about 50 or 100 times until it goes away for an extended period, so DO NOT be discouraged if it doesn't work right away. After a while this and other 'tricks' become second nature and you're able to judo this thing almost absently, like flipping a light switch or flushing the can. There will still be bad days but there will be fewer of them and on average, they will be less severe.
Some have said to focus on things that produce good feelings in you to push out the bad. You have probably heard this a lot but again, this is solid advice. Different things work for different people but I love looking at pictures of fall foliage, just hypnotizes me. In person is ideal but you can do that any time of year on line, lots of great fall picture sites. Maybe a favorite restaurant or some happy memories. Or going to the hardware store and feeling the constructive atmosphere -- positive things you can do with tools and parts and nails etc to fix something at the house or maybe a hobby or project -- that runs so contrary to the sense of futility this illness stuffs down your throat. Anything that gives you even 5 minutes away from the bad thought patterns is a point gained; it's 5 minutes you weren't feeding this snake. That matters because mood disorders rarely if ever stand still; they are either getting better or worse, depending on your behavior and attitude. Once again, it will be difficult at first, but once again it will become second nature after a while.
Last but not least, these things and all the other solid advice I've seen in here are coping skills -- or more to my point, weapons. DO NOT be passive and hope this illness will go away on its own, it won't. You must stomp the head of this snake day in and day out, because you are in World War (original poster screen name here), a war for your soul -- and the souls of others (more on that below).
This means you must be willing to fight and fight hard, which means you must believe you have something to fight for. You do. Friends and family and -- get this -- others who are as sick or sicker than you and me, who you don't know yet but who will die by their own hand if you give up now because they will never get encouragement and advice from the voice of experience -- you. God will put you in the path of people new to this illness for this reason, as he has done with me. He will make this illness, yes, worthwhile...
If I sound like Patton in front of that big flag, so be it. When you're up against an enemy as cunning and deadly as mental illness, you need to be a rabid rottweiler with stars on its shoulders. FIGHT!!!
Thank you for your writing. You are so right ; we are meant to help others. I’m trying to be strong. The depression left for this day and for that I am grateful but I feel it in the back of me, like lurking but focus on the present moment helps so much. Meditated today. Will go out walking later.
How are you doing?
Okay. We were facing a serious tornado and large-hail threat last night that fizzled out at the last moment. Worn out from all the prep of putting various forms of makeshift cushioning on the cars to minimize hail damage.
Feeling pretty good the last few days, though I seem to have developed a different trigger tic, muscle in my upper right back seems to cramp up. But with God's help, I'll knock this one out too.
Starlight I understand the feeling of pain and emptiness that you describe. I live for my daughter and don’t know if I would be here if she were gone. Now she suffers from severe depression at 15, she’s so much like me. She asks what the point is of living. It’s hard when I don’t really have the answer myself, except to help others. Too often lately I feel so low that I don’t have the energy or drive to help others. But I have to keep moving forward and try to find the answers myself because I believe I have find and model a happy life for her, or she may never find her own way. I will keep searching and live as long as I can also. ❤️
You are strong. You are there for your daughter modeling strength and you don’t give up. What is your spirit animal?❤️
Thank you Starrlight, I don’t actually know what my spirit animal is ☺️ Maybe a cat
In my dreams I see either a fox or a wolf on the opposite side of the lake from where I stand. So maybe that’s mine. Anyway how are you? How’s your daughter doing?
I hear what your saying cause at times i4 feel the exact same way. But it must be a way for you to change things around. I hope you can figure it out
It went away; all that torment left me. Now it’s 2am and I’m having tea. I went to the park with my friend and my nieces. It healed my soul. Thanks for being here.❤️
I lost my father from suicide. I didn't understand his pain. I was in my late teens. My brother was twelve. This was fifty years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. Sometimes the good times sometimes that awful day. As a father ur life is very important. I hope you find goodness in your day that diminishes your pain. Glad you found your way to this group.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My brother killed himself too. I know it’s not something I want to do when I’m feeling ok but when I get pulled deep down well you know I don’t think I ever would now but I think about it for later. My mom has Alzheimer’s and I don’t want to be where she is.
Starr, My mother grew up on a farm in Mississippi during the depression of the 30's. When someone had a difficult life she would say "they have a tough row to hoe". I hear her words in my mind often. The tragedy that you have lived through certainly deserves to be acknowledged. I do not understand the randomness of life either. But I hope you find comfort in those who have shown you love and kindness. The future is the great unknown. Stay connected with this group and they will help you see the good in each day and support you through difficulties that might come. I will look for your post and hope to be your friend.
Focusing on what you can control is a good thing to do. I understand your feelings. Sometimes I feel that way too. My family is my reason for living. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't want to be here. The more my mother's dementia advances, the more depressed I get. It's hard living through what's know as the long goodbye. I believe in God, but I don't understand this. He has His plan, whatever it is. I'm trying hard to learn to accept things as they are. I'll tell you what helps lift me. I read uplifting books, watch funny and uplifting movies, and take walks while noticing the nature around me. I also do yoga and qigong with the help of instructors on YouTube and DVDs.
Exactly! My family is everything to me. But if I got Alzheimer’s like my mom I don’t know. My fav is nature.
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