Dwelling on my past

[Jc196371]

All my life, I’ve been staring at a screen. I’ve locked myself indoors and subjugated myself to countless hours of surfing the web and playing video-games all day long. I did not learn how to play any sort of sport. I did not learn how to make friends. I was never in any sort of romantic relationship. I did not learn how to do anything that I should already be knowing by now. Why? Well because I wasted all this time on nothing but a fucking screen. I barely have memories that I look back on and cherish because I did not bother making any. I’m a walking useless piece of tool.

I tried to come back from this. Believe me, I tried. My efforts go down in vain though. I can’t seem to make legitimate friends that actually care about me. I can’t seem to talk to people I’m attracted to without embarrassing myself. Worst of all, I just can’t seem to make the people around me happy. Especially to my family. I’m a burden to them, to everyone.

I’m just so tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. At this point, I’m starting to pray to somehow get a reset button and redo my life again. Oh the things I could have done differently to be in a different spot in life.

I’m tired, so tired. I don’t deserve my life or my body. A different consciousness should take over my life and lead it. I’m nothing but a disease to myself. I just want to let go of it all. I want to be free. I want to go away without being worried about leaving my family behind. I wish they wouldn’t care. I wish, I wish, I wish.

[NeuronerdDoaty]

So let a different conscious take over. I’ve been 3 people. I start over. Find something you like to do and get involved. Try to find something nerdy because there’s more of us. Next week though I start salsa lessons. Don’t expect friends but smile so you can be included with acquaintances. No one knows your past.

I’ll tell you something that no one that knows me now knows about me. I used to play the drums and owned a bar before it was even legal for me to drink. I have a useless law degree.

Everybody knows about my 30 years in medicine. I thought I’d check out something else. David Lee Roth became an EMT. I’m not kidding. Go enroll in something. Meet new people. Don’t tell them a thing about who you were. Be in the present. Enjoy this moment. Take a new road.

Btw my kids had a blast and are just like me. My youngest is leaving her veterinarian practice to be a human nurse anesthetist.

Go for it. No regrets at the end. My 80-year-old dad just bought a motor boat. 😳 We are going to lose that cranky old sucker at sea. He’d love to go that way. Mystery and crab bait. I am not joking.

[bluemoon2u]

JC, What Neuronerd has said about reinventing yourself is very true. Before you can reinvent yourself you need to know who you are. You are unhappy with where your life is heading--be proud that you have figured this out! It is the first step in getting to a different tomorrow. You have been drawn in by the addicting nature of fantasy---video games are designed to encourage addiction as a means of selling more of them. Before you say "no not me" realize that the center of any "addiction" is that the activity goes from being a pleasurable addition to your life to replacing your desire to do anything else to the point that it becomes your sole focus. It them has taken control over your life. As a mom whose sons were in the first generation exposed to addictive video games, I promise that you have the power to change this. You recognize that you have allowed yourself to live in a very small world- one where human interaction is a distraction instead of a path to growth. First, LEARNING TO BUILD RELATIONSHIPS takes years.Using those ever improving skills to grow relationships also takes years. To start ,there are different levels of relationships ranging from acquaintance (someone with a passing familiarity but no real involvement) to situational friend (someone with a short term involvement and cares about the same goals as you) ) to friend (someone who knows more about who you are, where you come from and where you want to go) to romantic interest (someone who inspires emotional feelings) to love (unconditional acceptance of the real you and you the real them). Going through these steps is the basis of maturing. Staying in your small world has kept you from practicing the skills needed to mature. It takes time to go through the stages of relationship growth with others and more importantly, to learn about yourself, like yourself and accept yourself enough to love yourself. Those who stall in any of the stages with themselves are destined to be disappointed and most likely fail in relationships with others. So how do you take this new found knowledge of the maturing process and turn it into life skills? First, you need to honestly assess who you are. Take a piece of paper and draw two large overlapping circles. Label one "now" and the other "want to be". Think of words describing traits (honest, caring, enthusiastic, solitary, sad, lonely, angry, happy, optimistic, involved, hateful, depressed, supportive, etc). Write each of these in the circles--the ones you are now and want to be in the future go in the overlapping space, the ones you are now and do not want to be in the future go in the "now" and the ones you want to have in the future but don't have now go in the "want to be". Now you have a visual on which skills you need to work on to get to a different future. Your experience with video games has taught you to be some of these,-- persistent, daring, logical, goal driven, curious, inventive, focused and determined among others. All of these can go in the overlapping area. They are well practiced skills that will serve you well in your future. . As children in a big world we fumble through the learning process without beating ourselves up for faltering steps, accept the lessons and move on. As adults we get stuck on the failed attempts and rarely focus on the successful ones. All of these positive things have been learned in your small world. They are part of who you are-- can you like yourself for these traits? They are proof that you have positive things to build on to get to a happier future

Let me know when you have done this and I will tell you more.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to bluemoon2u]

This is so true. My son went cold turkey from games but became a workaholic. Again, not acquiring the skills necessary in life. This is where he’s stuck now. Listen closely to bluemoon2u.

[HopeWithSmile]

Couldn't agree more with Neuronerd.

It's is always harder for introverts to go out, to feel comfortable around people, especially unknown ones. I would say, that I am also an introvert, but I went to school, I went to university, now I work. All these things imply you connecting with people and talking to them - communication goes without saying.

I don't know your age, but I think you just need to start from something, don't just throw yourself into an extremely uncomfortable setting. Talk to people, talk to us

Step by step. You can do this! And we will support you!

xx

[Ragdoll15]

Don't ever give up on yourself because you can make things turn around. My grandson was so very much like you in that he just could not socialise he just seemed to mess up on anything and everything leaving us all despaired for his future. He just mainly stayed in his room in the dark playing games and becoming more and more irritable and antisocial I felt I did not know him anymore and feared for his future. Now 2 ,years down the line he is a totally different young man. Has a lovely girlfriend who is so good for him. He has just passed his driving test and is attending college regularly and planning his future in every way. I can only think that he had a wake up call and realised that he had to change or his life would go nowhere. I still cannot believe how much he has changed, so anyone can do this. You seem to worry too much about others, it's time you concentrated on yourself and what you need to make these changes in your life then your family will be happier. Trying to be a people pleaser all the time can cause depression as I well know. Just be yourself around people and they will respect you more for it. You can do this, my prayers are with you!

[catch_the_music]

You are at a Crossroad. That's ok. It's ok to be frustrated. Let that anger be part of the fuel for you to make a change. Change is risky - but so worth it.

Start simple. Know that God put you on this earth for a reason. He knows you are capable of doing great things - and cheers you on with every step you take. He is there to pick you up - even when you blow it. The most polished people have blown it many times. In fact one of the techniques to progress in life is to "fail twice as much". Sounds crazy. But that is how progress happens - by making mistakes and learning from them.

Just reach out to other people. They need your friendship just like you need theirs. Go slow - friendships take time to develop. Just reach your hand out and tell people your name. Usually (but not always) they will return by sharing their name. Then ask them a question or opinion on something - maybe a recent event in the news or sporting event.

One good place I have found to meet people is church. I joined a small group fellowship and found it to be a great place to meet others. A good place to learn how to relate.

Good luck my friend! Prayers for your success in branching out and meeting new people and finding a career that fits you.

[bluemoon2u]

JC- how is it going? Have any of the comments helped you? Keep trying and forgive yourself for missteps. basically be for yourself what you would want in a friend.