((New here))

[LostInNJ]

Hey everyone... I’m new to this community and my first time sharing about my ANXIETY/DEPRESSION. I’ve read some other posts and it looks like I’m not alone when I say I don’t talk to anyone else in person (no friends really at all) besides my mother and my doctors.

To say I lost it all is an understatement. Back in 2012/2013 I worked really hard - literally blood, sweat and tears - to finally be my best self. And I mean that mentally, emotionally, socially and physically. Once it took a year to drop 95 lbs and running became part of my life, everything else fell into place. I was more nervous being that happy and fulfilled that I spent a lot of time worried when the shoe was going to drop. I had never had a “normal life” before @ 37 yrs old - I had been used to and comfortable w being depressed. You have to actually work at being happy. Being isolated and depressed was my way. But having my own apartment, a real connection with my family and a few good friends, an amazing boyfriend that made me laugh every minute we were together, volunteering and most important, being able to look in the mirror and actually like what I saw was new to me. I relished in it. I earned it.

Anyway, I left it ALL behind in NYC for a man I thought I knew. He asked me to marry him and move down to FL to be with him - start a life. And all I’ve ever dreamed of was getting married and being a MOM. And that’s all I saw when he came back into my life out of the blue. I had complete tunnel vision and no one could stop me. After 2 yrs together there and moving into a house with the picket fence, dog etc - I thought that was it. But I realized something wasn’t right. And taking marriage very seriously, I canceled the wedding 2 weeks prior. He was so infuriated with me that his anger eventually turned into hate and the abuse and torture started. And it never stopped for two more years until I was finally able to “run” back home to my family. But by then, after so much mental torture from him and two miscarriages he blamed me for; calling me a “murderer” I felt I was broken as a woman and as a person. I had gained most of the weight back and had nothing when I returned home. I moved in w my mother in a tiny apartment in NYC.

I have been hospitalized every few years since I was 19 either for severe depression or anxiety or what my mother calls a “tune up” on my meds. But last year, I was hospitalized six times. I felt and feel like I could never get back on my feet. I developed now severe anxiety with moments of utter dread and epic FEAR. It’s hard for me to just leave the apartment. I have managed to stay out of the hospital since Oct of last year. I finally found a very very good private psychiatrist and therapist. I even took a Genealogy test that tells the doctor what psychiatric meds are right for you and those that are not. I recommend people to looking into this test as we all know we feel like lab rats as doctors go through trial and error testing different meds on us. This is THE TEST that a lot of people with mental illness has been waiting for. But no one will get it out there because it will give faster answers to doctors treating people inpatient, thus allowing them to be discharged sooner thus losing $$$. PLEASE if you’re struggling with the wrong meds, please look into it. It’s covered.

That’s my story thus far. I struggle daily. I try to keep myself awake at night because I know the anxiety and dread and hopelessness will sink in the second I open my eyes. It’s a horrible feeling. And as my biggest support, my mother has struggled too. I can’t imagine what it’s like to live with me. My sadness will rub off onto her and that breaks my heart. I feel as though there are so many steps I need to take to get some sort of life back again but the thought of where to start overwhelms me to the point my stomach twists and turns. I’ve achieved starting small things here and there, like running again, only to take another 3 steps back because I’m just consumed with FEAR. I’m frustrated and refuse to go back into the hospital to be poked and prodded by student doctors who are pretty much practicing on us.

If anyone has any advice or can relate to my story... PLEASE reach out to me as this took me two weeks to write and reach out myself. My therapist says it’s a start and then hopefully I can move onto in person support groups. But I’m a ways from there.

Thank you, sincerely for listening.

Aimee

[Hidden]

Sorry you have gone through such a bad time, however you are here and people will listen and write back so you can gain confidence once more

You need to try and relax so I would advise you try Breathing techniques and you could also try Relaxation Technique Mindfulness. There are books covering both and there are books on the Relaxation Technique on amazon, for about ten Dollars.

It is good you are getting back to your sports, if you have any other hobbies it is well following them as well, diversions do help to lift the mood and move you on

I am in the UK and in some towns we have day centres for Mental Health Patients, have words with your Doctor He may know if there are any centres in your area

BOB

[CatIsMyCopilot]

This resonated a lot with me:

"I feel as though there are so many steps I need to take to get some sort of life back again but the thought of where to start overwhelms me to the point my stomach twists and turns."

For myself, I've tried to come more to terms with loving myself as I am (a person with an anxiety disorder), rather than wishing to be the person I was before all of this. Who I am (a person with an anxiety disorder) is a person who has experiences that have helped her learn and grow, and will be better equipped to deal with anxiety throughout her life. If I went back to "the old me", I would undo all of that, and lose those skills I have built up.

Even though it may not always feel like it, you have built strength in yourself through what you've been through, that is what's going to help you to keep taking those small steps forward until things improve for you. I have faith they will.

[LostInNJ in reply to CatIsMyCopilot]

Thank you so much for your response. First, it's always nice to hear someone else relates to something you feel about. And you're right... my mother says the same thing; that trying to go back to who I was because it was the best of me so far in my life is pointless. But she says "you did it before, you can do it again but as who you are NOW".

I am no where near "loving myself". I can hardly look in the mirror and I'm afraid of my own shadow let alone everything else. I can accept my illnesses because I have lived with it for over 30 years and accept totally it is a part of me. I am so full of fear literally in my stomach in knots yet no clue what it is I am afraid of - it's just the only way to describe the feeling. I do know from years ago that once I started exercising regularly - almost making it a job I had to go to daily until I loved it and eating right, everything else seemed to fall into place.

I want to thank you for your response.

Aimee xo

[jkl5500]

I suggest you make a list of things to do, and then check each one off as you complete them. Be sure to start small. A sense of accomplishment is important to your self-esteem.

Don't be discouraged if you backslide a little. Sometimes it's 3 steps forward, and 2 steps backward. I know it hurts, but it's the nature of this illness. Just keep moving forward as best you can.

Here is an article (and website) that should be of great help:

psychcentral.com/lib/9-ways...

[LostInNJ in reply to jkl5500]

Thank you very much for your helpful response and the article was truly helpful as well.

Aimee xxoo