Death - TRIGGER WARNING: I am NOT going... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Death - TRIGGER WARNING

Kat63
Kat63
26 Replies

I am NOT going to commit suicide. But yesterday, I had a thought: what if I develop some bad health habits, and then never see a doctor again unless I’m very sick or in a lot of pain?

If I did that, I could possibly end up with a fatal illness. Then I could refuse treatment, and accept the fact that I’m going to die.

I remember how it was when my mother died. She had cancer. At first they thought she could beat it, so she had treatment. But then it went to Stage 4 and at that point, she chose to go into hospice.

When she died, she had a lot of painkiller drugs. We were all around her in those last few days. And now, she’s at peace. She never has to feel terrible again.

If I died soon, I wouldn’t have to feel this anxiety and craziness. It seems like it’s never going to go away. I have good days, but then it comes back. So now when I’m having a good day, I pray to God to please let it last longer this time. But so far, it doesn’t.

I believe in a peaceful afterlife. I know that’s only my belief, and not a fact. But even if it’s not true, the end of life would be the end of this period in my life. For the past 4 or 5 years I’ve had mostly trouble and pain. Job problems, love life problems, and my mother dying from cancer. I’m afraid life will never be good again.

I’m 55 now, so if I live to be 80, I have to feel like this for another 25 years. It’s so hard to look into the future and see myself still fighting this battle with my mind. Trying everything I can think of (therapy, meds, meditation, prayer, affirmations), and only getting a little relief, for a short time.

So, although I would never commit suicide, I think I will be relieved when life is over. I’ve had chances at good things, and I’ve f—ed it up every single time.

I think if a doctor told me today that I’m sick, I would accept my fate, like my mother did, and hope for peace at the end. And if the afterlife is real, I’ll see my mother and grandmother again.

26 Replies
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Starrlight

TRIGGER WARNING ************************************I was thinking about death yesterday too. I love the way you are fighting and I love your strength and determination. I too wonder and hope about the afterlife. I have decided that it’s a good possibility (at least how I see it at this point) that if I start getting Alzheimer’s like my mom has that I will kill myself before I get too bad off. I see how disturbed my mom is. It’s enough having my bipolar and stuff. I think the only way I would change my mind is if I became closer to God which I’ve been trying to accomplish so that I would take comfort and make it through.

Very best to you, beautiful. ❤️

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Callmedanielle

Put trigger warning in your posts like star just did please, some members me included the S word is a trigger. Please

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Kat63

I’m sorry - I will fix that.

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Destiny8277

I understand how you feel. I to would not take my life. The pain I would cause others. I know this because my daughter took her life. 5 years ago next month. Nothing has been the same. Divorce and just so much pain depression. I to ask God. Why am I here. What is my purpose. I am 53. Lived life. I keep trying to feel

Normal. I can’t tell you when the last time I could feel that way a few days in a row. I want to wake up and have no depression. No pain in my heart. Not be alone. I have secluded my self from every friend. My kids I don’t bother. They have their own lives. Why am I here ? Is this a punishment of some kind? Therapy all these years and depression meds and still feel this way. It sucks. It takes so much energy to try to feel

Normal. It has to get better! It has to! I try to look at my blessings. Things could be worse. But I understand what your saying.

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Kat63
Kat63
in reply to Destiny8277

I’m so sorry for all that has happened to you.

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Starrlight

TRIGGER WARNING ***********************************Wouldn’t your children love to see you? That’s good you wouldn’t take your life. Lives are precious. My brother took his and it very much hurt us and still is hurting. I don’t want to hurt anyone but if I am at the point where I am completely out of my right mind and hurting everyone because I am so disturbed and deteriorated and there’s nothing to be done I say please help me end it. I think the closest people to me would understand me wanting that. Part of me feels guilt about it though like only God should take a life.

Do you have things that you enjoy doing these days? I’m so sorry you are suffering.

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Hidden
Hidden

Did your mother give birth to you so that you could go do this?

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Kat63
Kat63
in reply to Hidden

I SAID I’m not going to commit suicide.

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Hidden
Hidden
in reply to Kat63

im the same as you, my mother died from cancer but when I was only 10, I have had all those thoughts and everything else but I chose to move on and be happy. I started to do normal things and I became normal.

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Kat63
Kat63
in reply to Hidden

Good for you. I’m trying to do normal things and be normal. I go to work and do my job every day; I try to do my share to keep the apartment clean; I have a couple of activities I go to every week. I pray every day, I’m working a 12-Step program, I’m reading self-help books and trying meditation. Every day I make a list of things I’m grateful for. I’m on Prozac and I start therapy in a couple of weeks.

And still, anxiety and crazy feelings and obsessive thoughts torment me. When I have a good day, I enjoy the hell out of it! And I thank God for that wonderful break from feeling terrible.

What other things should I be doing, to be “normal” and move on?

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Hidden
Hidden
in reply to Kat63

A lot of your day seems to revolve around doing things for your d&a ,do you ever think that stepping away from it all every so often might be beneficial? Trying a day where you don't do things to combat your condition and instead having a day full of things simply because you enjoy doing them, you should try it, it will help.

I hope things get better for you.. I hope you begin to feel normal again ...

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Kat63
Kat63
in reply to Hidden

You know, you’re right. Yesterday I let myself do some things I enjoy that don’t have anything to do with mental health or recovery. I did some knitting. I watched some TV. I read some fiction. And I had a much better afternoon and evening than the morning had been.

Maybe if I do something *only* for fun every day, I’ll be better off. Obsessing about my obsessing is probably bad for me.

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hawii60
hawii60
in reply to Kat63

Agree with you finding thing you like can help with your moods. I guess you have unresolved problems watching your mother die from cancer. Those thoughts of where is she now - what future is there for me if I develop cancer the same way.

Having had stage 3 melanoma, which could have been fatal if I had not persisted for a photo scan with the local hospital, I would not be here today. Luckily the lesion was removed, but had preventive surgery. Since then, I have wanted to enjoy my life, and do feel better with a radical change of diet, removal of food intolerances. As I had IBS, this can prevent vitamins beng absorbed in the intestines, so finding the right foods, set me on a path to discover what else other than sunshine had created the skin cancer and after two years of research, am finding more evidence that vitamin D and K deficiency, can actually precipitate cancer and if you can supplement if needed to the right levels you can actually treat the cancer at later stages. Vitamin D deficiency may be associated with deep depression. I guess when you have had a mental health problem, the doctor does not think anything is the matter - it's all up to your mental health problem. Think you are great to be coping with all these problems and bet the therapy will help too.

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kenster1

sorry that your struggling I hope it turns for the better as you deserve it.its always easier to live with anxiety/depression(although it doesn't feel like it)than it is to end it.my troubles re on a par with yours but I always find a way and you will too.

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Olivia40

So sorry to hear of your struggling kat.

🌺🌺🌺 x x x

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JP6714

I understand how u feel. Sometimes I have feelings about being reckless like not wearing a seatbelt because if I just so happen to get into an accident and pass on it would “be my time” I think it’s just part of depression to wonder. Mental health professionals and people who know their own mental health know their own variations of suicidal ideation. I think pondering death is just a form of it.

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Anonymoususername83

*****triger****

Yeah I totally understand that. I have young kids but when they're older if something happened to me I wouldn't fight it. I'm not saying suicide, but yeah if I could die of some natural cause I'd definitely be ok with that.

This sucks. I hope you find something that helps though, so if you did get sick fighting would feel natural and wanted. I'm trying a new treatment and hopefully this works if not I don't know what I'm going to do

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Kat63

Thank you for getting it.

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Hidden
Hidden

Hi: you sound like me. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live like this much longer either. I am 61 and I got to this place due to a trauma. I just started prozac and am more anxious than ever.

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Starrlight

Hey I am sorry in my earlier posts I think I was in a weird place and I don’t know if I understood you. But I hear you and I am sending you good vibes (((((((((and hoping you are having a good day. I am in no hurry to die right now but if it was going to happen I’d be all about getting some greatly needed peace.

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Starrlight

Hope you are well.

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Kat63
Kat63
in reply to Starrlight

I’ve been having a few good days. I hope it continues!

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Starrlight

Me too... keep fighting

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Hidden
Hidden

Kat63: I know exactly how you feel, except my good days are so rare that when they happen I always think "what did I do last night." I keep a journal on the advice of a shrink, but it tells me nothing. Please Kat, don't do anything rash. And don't wish for a terminal illness. You think your depressed now!!!! I am living your life........robertcass

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Kat63
Kat63
in reply to Hidden

Days like today are why I’m glad I hang in there through the bad days. Today was a pretty good day.

But I know sooner or later there will be another bad day. The main thing for me to remember on bad days is that sooner or later, I do feel better again.

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Hidden
Hidden

Kat63: I know exactly how you feel. I am going to do whatever it takes to rid myself of this agony. I do have a terminal illness. If I quit smoking I can slow it down, but my way of thinking has changed. Why should I do one more thing to make my self more miserable. I am talking about smoking. Why do I want to prolong this misery. I have yet to find anything that helps. The medical profession is doing nothing to help me. I have asked for ketamine and these doctors are just dragging their asses arranging it. All they want to do is try more pills. How many pills do I have to take before they try something unconventional. I would like to just stay in bed all the time. I have no more interest in anything. I hate cooking and I hate shopping. But this is me. I have not had a therapist in3 years and the number of people who give a rats ass if die I can count on one hand. I am glad you say you will never kill yourself, that sounds like there is a spark left. Please keep that spark lit......R.

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