I am NOT going to commit suicide. But yesterday, I had a thought: what if I develop some bad health habits, and then never see a doctor again unless I’m very sick or in a lot of pain?
If I did that, I could possibly end up with a fatal illness. Then I could refuse treatment, and accept the fact that I’m going to die.
I remember how it was when my mother died. She had cancer. At first they thought she could beat it, so she had treatment. But then it went to Stage 4 and at that point, she chose to go into hospice.
When she died, she had a lot of painkiller drugs. We were all around her in those last few days. And now, she’s at peace. She never has to feel terrible again.
If I died soon, I wouldn’t have to feel this anxiety and craziness. It seems like it’s never going to go away. I have good days, but then it comes back. So now when I’m having a good day, I pray to God to please let it last longer this time. But so far, it doesn’t.
I believe in a peaceful afterlife. I know that’s only my belief, and not a fact. But even if it’s not true, the end of life would be the end of this period in my life. For the past 4 or 5 years I’ve had mostly trouble and pain. Job problems, love life problems, and my mother dying from cancer. I’m afraid life will never be good again.
I’m 55 now, so if I live to be 80, I have to feel like this for another 25 years. It’s so hard to look into the future and see myself still fighting this battle with my mind. Trying everything I can think of (therapy, meds, meditation, prayer, affirmations), and only getting a little relief, for a short time.
So, although I would never commit suicide, I think I will be relieved when life is over. I’ve had chances at good things, and I’ve f—ed it up every single time.
I think if a doctor told me today that I’m sick, I would accept my fate, like my mother did, and hope for peace at the end. And if the afterlife is real, I’ll see my mother and grandmother again.