December 30th, 2013 was the start of my depression. That was the day that I watched on as my father was dying in a hospital bed. We only had a handful of years where we were trying to improve our bond. Our bond was pretty strong by that day but we still had so much catching up to do.
April 23rd, 2015 I lost my mother. Hers was the hardest for me because we fought 3 days before her passing. It was a heated fight.
August 2nd, 2015 my son lost his 1/2 sister due to a car crash. She was only 18.
Then, after that, my cousin died from an OD, his mother passed away roughly a year later, I've lost a few friends, & other family members.
In the past 5 & 1/2 years, every time that I have finally got myself out of the dark hole of depression, it just seems as if something else happens to put me right back there.
On June 28th of this year, my husband was in the ER, it was scary for about 2 weeks straight. He was told that he had pleurisy & that there are many causes for that. For a long while, we thought it was caused by a blood clot in his lung/on his lung. 2 weeks later, after seeing his doctor a few days before, we found out that the cause of the pleurisy was pneumonia. The doctor did give him antibiotics to get better before the results were ready a few days later. But, for 2 weeks straight I thought my husband was going to die. A friend of the family had it & died from it. So, I was scared.
Once I have seen that he was finally getting better, my husband, I was able to try & get my happiness back. I was happy for a little while.
July 12th my mothers' exes father passed away. Yesterday, July 18th, my husbands' Uncle passed away.
Every time that I seem to be getting happier, something bad happens.
Why does it seem that when I am happy, things are going okay for me again, something bad always happens to crap on my happiness.
in 5 & 1/2 years I have lost roughly 9-10 people that I was actually close to. Some very close to.
Death seems to be following me where ever I am. I know it's insane to think the way I am thinking but, I am deadly serious.
Happiness seems to be like a poison to me. My happiness kills things in my life. My happiness, it seems, is not allowed.
"Oh, look, she's happy again; time to have something else bad happen to her; we cannot allow this happiness to occur!"
Yes, it sounds stupid & insane but, it's what it truly feels like to me.
I don't believe in anything. I stopped. It's been over 30 years since I believed in a higher power. When it comes to religion, I'm an Unbeliever & will remain that way forever. I have actual physical things around me that are real enough for me.
I'm 42 & have been through hell & back since the day that I was born. Abuses & everything. No matter how much I don't think of all the bad, it's what is the most overpowering thing in my life. 80/20. 80% of the time, bad happens. 20% of the time, good happens. I am not overreacting either.
I give myself time to heal & give myself time to mourn. I've taken care of myself the best that I can. With each bad thing I have overcome, I came out stronger. But with so much bad around me, how strong am I to become? Am I not strong enough yet? I just don't know anymore. People wonder why I am always so depressed & angry all the time. I explain to them why. They say to me that it just seems as if the bad is what comes for you. You do have a lot to look at that can make you happy.
True, I do. But it doesn't mean that it scares me to be happy. I fear happiness for myself now. I shouldn't but I do. Maybe if I just stay the depressed bitter person, nothing more will happen.
I'm a fighter. Always have been. I've always come out on top. There's only so much that one can handle though. I feel my point of utter breakdown & losing all of me is coming sooner than I expected. I can't keep doing this. I'm tired.
I know my record seems to be broken 
Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Ruined
In order for me to be happy again, I need to let me past go.
Seems like not much has changed
To be happy
