Okay so thought I would try and open up about the past on here and see if it makes me feel a bit better and give me a sense of relief. When I was 15 years old I had a relationship with a trainee teacher at my school, I told a very close friend of mine – I’m only human, I was a young girl who had just lost her virginity it wasn’t the easiest secret in the world to have. This was discovered by a pupil, who had some concern and told his Mum, who then informed our school Nurse and who then of course informed the police. I was taken out of class the next day and walked into the Head Teachers office, where police officers sat, later joined by my Dad and I just denied and denied and denied what was said until I broke around 2 hours later. Long story short he was sentenced to 15 months in prison, served half only to be found to have contacted me in that time and went back to prison for the rest of the time. He had a long term partner at this time who seemed to have stood by him at the beginning, but towards the end I think she had moved on and he chose to focus on his relationship with me.
We stayed together for 3-4 years after that, I suddenly just started to feel trapped and rushed in my life, pressured to start a family and not feeling I had the right to do what I wanted, go out with friends after work, but this I started to want to do more than spend time with him. After several threats to commit suicide from him I just left and never went back, stayed with my Mum. He followed me home from work one time, a couple of months after we split, and I had started speaking to another guy. He got out of the car and proceeded to hit him and swing at the car, I told the guy to leave and this wasn’t his drama and that it wasn’t fair on him. My ex tried to follow me and was speeding up driving next to me and swerving at me, just craziness. My relationship with my Dad had been rocky since he split with my Mum when I was 16 and he started to drink, heavily. He sided with my ex when we split, I was sooo upset and angry, he even said months later that my ex was going over to introduce his new girlfriend! We don’t speak now my Dad and I, after our on and off relationship stopped when he told me he didn’t want to walk me down the aisle at our wedding, he’d had enough chances.
I now find I struggle with my alcohol and these are thing I think about and talk about and I’m very aware this is making me anxious and depressed, I just need to control myself and not drink or just have a few.
I tried CBT and wasn’t a fan, did speak with a therapist once which kind of helped but it was quite expensive. Just really hope I’ll find peace and be able to forgive and forget the past and move on. I’m now married with a step son and I really just want to be happy and give them everything that money can’t buy.
Thanks for allowing me to share my story, reading and not judging, I do actually feel quite good after writing all that out 
apologies if I've said far too much!
Why do I even try?
My dad and other people
Am i being selfish?
Trusting
Prison
