Want to know more about people pleasing

[fox006]

My ex is a people pleaser. When I was in a relationship with her, I didn't understand it. But after breaking up with her, I started researching her. Since then I have gathered plenty of knowledge about this behaviour pattern but still, there are many questions that remained unanswered. Is there anyone who will help me regarding this?

[EleanorRose]

I think quite a lot of people have a ‘people pleasing’ trait to a greater or lesser extent.

I am definitely a bit of a ‘people pleaser’ although often my anxiety gets in the way of doing ‘good/kind’ things I want to do and I can get quite frustrated with myself about it. I have often found it hard to understand the ‘it doesn’t matter what other people think’ attitude. I understand the message of it, but in practise, I don’t see how other people don’t matter.

[fox006 in reply to EleanorRose]

My ex was calm,never gets angry,unassertive,uncomplaining,nice to everyone.Always smiling. Do people pleasers suffer from high functioning anxiety?

[EleanorRose in reply to fox006]

I think that’s a bit of a generalisation. Some people with people pleasing traits may have high functioning anxiety. Seems a little like you are trying to diagnose your ex, which I am not sure you can/should do.

[Agora1 in reply to fox006]

Oh Yes ....

Coming straight from the horse's mouth lol

[hypercat54]

Hi people pleasers tend to be those who have learnt that their own feelings and needs don't matter and that to be liked and accepted they have to look after others whilst ignoring themselves. When they do this they attract 'users' who do use and abuse them. There is no one there for them when they need someone.

They are often detached from themselves and can't figure out what is wrong. They often suffer from depression and/or anxiety but wonder why as they have 'great' lives.

Sometimes they have suffered from childhood emotional neglect where they were never validated as children. Look up CEN as this might provide some answers for you. x

[deborah27]

Have another read of your post and see if you can rethink what you are doing and why. Personally, I wouldn't want an ex ' researching' me and would struggle to find a reason why it would be acceptable. You say you have gathered lots of knowledge about her behaviour, so, what could you possibly need help with? She is your ex for a reason, let her carry on in her people pleasing way and move on.

[sweetiepye]

I'm not attacking you. but of the two of you I find your behavior the more disturbing . Pam

[Hidden]

I have wondered that I am not really a people person, although sometimes I will try and help someone change their mood to a more positive place.

At sixty eight I have noticed some people are very positive in their expectations and that seems to rub off on others in their company. However some people have problems with having a positive outlook, it is not because it is they are miserable, just they may have been hit mentally so many times people pleasing may be very hard to be positive over.

Pleasing others is can be problematic. People can walk all over a person who wears their heart on their sleeve, people get used and sad to say all becomes counter productive and can be picked up as a sign of weakness However some people, A Natural gets away with it.

BOB

[Dolphin14]

I was just addressing this today in therapy. I am trying to move away from people pleasing and focusing on myself. It doesn't feel natural to begin setting boundaries with people.

I was brought up to be a people pleaser I suffered from childhood emotional neglect just like hypercat. Pleasing my mother was expected. Do something for myself was unheard of.

As another poster asked, why are you studying this? If you don't know the inside of a persons thinking you can't make assumptions.