Not sure why I have anxiety

[RationallyAnxious]

Apologize in advance for the ginormous post - if anyone can respond, I would be so so grateful to you.

Been on a bit of a journey for much of my life. At 12, after a friends' mother passed away from cancer, I believed I had cancer for about six months. Went to sleep worrying about it and woke up worrying about it. I tied my hair in a bun and never took it out because I heard people that had cancer's hair fell out. (Not realizing it was from chemo). Finally, my mom noticed and bought me some ultra-strength hair revitalizing shampoo and told me to go wash my hair. I did. It was all there. The anxiety was gone the next day.

At 15 my family moved internationally to a country that did not speak English. I was enrolled in the local schools and all the time sitting in a classroom not understanding gave my overactive brain LOTS of time to think. The anxiety returned for a while, and this time I wrote a whole long note explaining to my parents what I had been going through and gave it to them. My anxiety ended.

At about 18, when I moved out, and was in my own place, the thoughts returned. I was just worried about dying. Here there, everywhere. In a way it was good, because it didn't affect my life. It didn't help to stay inside and not go out, because I knew I could die of anything there as well. So I started writing down my feelings, getting educated about anxiety, and one day, when I was feeling a panic attack coming, I just told myself 'No. Stop it. You're tired. You've had caffeine this morning. There is nothing for you to worry about.' And they all stopped, just like that.

Flash forward, 6 years later. I'm married, 24, have two kids. I've been feeling myself descend into anxiety for about a year - there were a lot of problems going on internally. We didn't know where we would move, what we wanted out of life, we were living month to month, I wanted a bigger apartment, etc. We ended up moving last minute to a community I didn't want to be in because a job offer didn't pan out literally a week before we moved. We couldn't afford the move (to the city I wasn't interested in being in) and had to borrow money to make it, but I had felt like I NEEDED to be out of the place we were in. I was having weird symptoms - like randomly itchy skin, feeling visual disturbances without ACTUAL visual disturbances (don't know how else to describe it), and feeling light headed without ever getting dizzy, and randomly feeling hot. And then we had a miscarriage.

It was very early, only after 8 weeks. But it was the actual miscarriage itself that was difficult. I wanted to wait for it to happen naturally, but everyone else was telling me to go ahead and get a D&C - friends, doctors. So after waiting four weeks with nothing happening, I opted to get a pill that would get the miscarriage started. It worked - very well. I almost passed out on the floor in our apartment from blood loss and because the whole process had been already anxiety filled, I decided to go the hospital because I felt like I needed professionals to be monitoring everything. (The paramedics from the ambulance said I did not need to go to the hospital, but could if I wanted.) By the time we got to the hospital, everything was out, but they performed a D&C anyway (something I had been avoiding) because my uterine lining was still bleeding and they just wanted to finish with it.

Finally home, things seemed to be getting better. I thought my initial weird symptoms (the dizziness, weird visual disturbances) had gone away, but they returned. And then, one day, about six weeks later, I woke up with a feeling of doom in my stomach. I KNEW something was wrong. I was certain I would die although I had no clear symptoms of anything. Just the same visual disturbances and what was probably a pulled chest muscle because I started working out - but I was certain it was some kind of heart failure.

Went to the doctor, he told me to drink water for the visual disturbances and dizzy-like feeling. I got my first period after the miscarriage the next day. But for weeks I would wake up every morning with a pit of nervousness in my stomach, a jittery feeling. It was awful. I barely slept at night because I was terrified I wouldn't wake up. I desperately didn't want to go on meds, because I had managed to get over all my other anxiety without them. But it eventually got to a point where I went on benzos (doctor gave me a two week dosage and told me to try take a half at a time and never exceed more than three a day because they're addictive) out of sheer desperation not to feel the way I had been. I took about one benzo pill every other day, but didn't start on the antidepressants he gave me because we were about to fly internationally and recommended I wait until we were on the ground to take them in case there were any bad side effects.

The day we flew I took 4 benzos to calm my nerves about flying over a 6 hour international flight (with multiple stops). When we arrived at family, I felt immediately so much better, that I stopped the benzos entirely (threw them out) and decided I would not start the antidepressants because I wanted to see how things went. Two days later, after things being relatively good, I crashed. Started having almost suicidal thoughts (Didn't actually want to kill myself, but I thought that not existing would be better than what I was going through) and was about to take the antidepressants when I realized it was probably a benzo withdrawal. Although I hadn't been on them long, I had just taken a bunch of them for the plane ride. So I decided to wait it out a few days to see if things would get better. They did. Then, almost drastically, I felt an intense spike again and decided that was it, I would take the antidepressants. I started. The next day I got my period. But, I had already started, so as much as I wanted to attribute the spike to something hormonal, I kept on. Things still didn't get much better, then, four days later I got strep. Actually being sick with strep was less stressful than worrying about dying from different diseases, and by the time I was physically better form strep, the anxiety was also almost entirely gone. It had been at about 80%, and went down to about 20%. I actually enjoyed most of the next three weeks we stayed at family without worrying about dying.

We got back to our home, the plane ride was mostly okay - I just read to pass the time, didn't need to take any medication. The first week or so home I had heightened anxiety - at about 40%, but we were making life changes and I thought things were looking up. Then some really positive things happened. Don't know exactly how it happened, but I really looked at my life and realized that a lot of the things I was hinging my happiness on - a better house, a better community, more money, more stuff, a thinner body, clearer skin - things I told myself I couldn't be happy without, weren't that important.

I started gardening again, was working normal hours for the first time since my miscarriage - I really found myself. I felt so good, so anxiety free, it felt so DONE, that I stopped taking my antidepressants. Things were actually good, for 4 weeks. Then, it started again one day, not terrible, just slight. But I was worried. I thought I was done with it. The next day I got my period. So I was very happy to attribute it to something hormonal. The next day was better. But it's been four days, and the past 3 days I've had heightened anxiety, probably at about 50%.

I feel so frustrated. I don't feel like there's anything for me to be anxious about. For the first time in my whole marriage I feel like we're heading in a good direction, I have two beautiful children who I adore, a husband I love, and the only thing standing in my way is anxiety. I can't tell if physical symptoms accompany the anxiety or if anxiety accompanies physical symptoms. I have this feeling in my head of slight pressure (which of course I worry is a brain tumor), and a jittery feeling in my stomach (I know THAT'S anxiety), and randomly get tired, have had a bit of a loss of an appetite for the past few days and have been a bit nauseous recently (I am not pregnant).

I'll go back on the antidepressants if I have to, but I'd really really rather avoid them.

I've been worrying it's maybe something like diabetes (my grandfather has it), which seems to include a lot of the symptoms I've described, including, surprise, anxiety and a feeling of doom, dread, feeling jittery could be from lower blood sugar levels. (I hope to go for a blood sugar test sometime later next week).

I feel like the anxiety MUST be from a medical condition, because I feel so much less stressed out these days - besides for my anxiety. I am so frustrated by my anxiety and feel like it has no right to return. Does anyone have helpful suggestions or advice?

[RationallyAnxious]

The day we flew I took 4 benzos to calm my nerves about flying over a 6 hour international flight (with multiple stops).

Apologies, meant to write 36 hours. Lol, I did not take 4 benzos in a 6 hour period.

[Hwhme]

It would appear that you accept physical illness but do not want to acknowledge the possibility that anxiety itself is an illness albeit a mental one. You may wish to consider with the help of a therapist if this suggestion has any merit and if it does why you need to protect yourself this way. You have had a number of things to contend with during your life and maybe these events have had an adverse effect that you need to address. Good luck.

[RationallyAnxious in reply to Hwhme]

Appreciate it. Have been seeing a therapist for six months, will discuss with her the possibility.

[Reallife72]

Hi. I read your entire post. I am very sorry you are struggling like this. There are a lot of feelings you talked about that I identified with. I am in my forties. I have 3 kids and I am in perimenopause now. A lot of the symptoms you describe do sound hormonal which can also make the anxiety and depression worse. I was born a worrier. I can remember always feeling worried when I was a kid and not know what I was worrying about. I have also developed health anxiety. Therapy has only helped minimally. The only thing that helps me with the health anxiety is to do what you did and say “no stop it, don’t go there” to myself. I just read an article online that said you have about 60 seconds to do it before you head down the rabbit hole. I have been taking antidepressants since I was 25ish. I’ve changed them a few times and I’ve failed trying to stop them. The withdrawals can be tricky to handle. Ultimately, it was a quality of life issue for me. I really did need them at that point in my life and maybe other times since then too. I have a benzo to take of my anxiety gets out of hand. Which for me now I feel is mostly hormonal changes that cause it. Maybe you will get a good therapist and that will help. Meditation doesn’t work for me. I can’t slow my mind down long enough. I get depressed comparing myself to others that seem so happy and carefree in life all the time. Genetic? Maybe. Poor coping skills? Maybe. Who knows. At this point, it was the cards I was dealt and it could be much worse. I have had times where I wasn’t depressed. It comes and goes. There are lots of things you can do to help yourself but for me there hasn’t been a magic pill. It is just something I am constantly working at. I hope you are having a better day.

[marheart]

Wow! You have a lot of emotions stored up inside. Get them out in the open to determine core issues. Go to a Talk Therapist.

Changing life styles can throw the anxiety monster into overdrive. Job changes, moving, relationship changes, aging and more. Once the changes are in place, the results can be wonderful and sometimes they can throw life off balance. My son changed jobs and his anxiety improved about 80%.

I presented with anxiety/depression/etc. and my life has been turned around into a person I no longer know. The adjustments for the past 4 years have thrown me into a downward spiral.

Sometimes we can identify the cause of today's anxiety and other times "what the heck?" Nothing is happening why am I breathing so hard with a pounding chest and fear.