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Enmenchment trauma

So, today I realised but really realised that I don't actually know who I am. I'm made up of beliefs that I've adopted from my Mom, dad, step Mom and brother and whoever else I've wanted to be like. I'm completely false and can't even imagine myself in my mind's eye as I try imagine myself walking my inner child across a bridge to a safe haven and it's always a picture of another woman... Always a different woman but never me. It's like I don't even exist. I feel completely numb. I feel like I'm in captivity and the more I try push through, the further back I go. I've created a false self which has completely engulfed me. This is the ultimate feeling of no way out.

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Do you actually wake up in the morning feeling like someone else?

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No, I wake up in the morning thinking f#@k! Not another day!

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Yeah, I think I understand. My best time of day is usually an hour before going to sleep. Everything is possible then. It's the rest of the day that's the problem. Personally, I really look forward to the little victories that make me feel like I have pushed out of that box successfully. It takes time, so patience is a virtue.

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Indeed it is and it's coming up a heap. Thank you for reminding me. I feel like I'm having a rebellious moment.

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But most of the time I react and respond just like my mother and it varies according to the situation as to who I become... It's extremely frustrating.

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If you're asking, I would say the "fields of containment" are the belief systems you've borrowed or adopted in order to survive. I would think there is an undiscovered "you" that can be found if you can work to try and break through those containment fields. In other words, when you recognize someone else's behavior traits...don't continue them. Then, just see what happens.

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I've noticed a withdrawal technique my Dad uses to manipulate me into adhering to his needs which he can't ask for directly so punishes me with the silent and sulky treatment which I've adopted. I've recognised that... The main one is victim mentality which. Battling with which is a big one from my Mom. Aaaargh! So frustrating.

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Hi this is common and I did it too. However I discoved when I left home at the age of 18 that my parents way of coping with the outside world wasn't healthy or needed anymore. As a consequence I couldn't make friends. It wasn't I analysed their behaviour and realised this that I could make great strides to becoming my own person. I took the best from them and learned the rest with experience.

You need to do the same now and you have already started so continue with this.

I realised both my parents were socially inadequate and taught myself what I need to know to be at ease in social situation. You are not your parents! x

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Thank you. Xxx

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My ex did that treatment and my son promised he would never do it. He did at the same age his dad started it. I don’t play that game. I spent a year not talking to my son. I wasn’t angry but as soon as I had a chance I told him I wouldn’t deal with him when he’s his father. It’s so passive-aggressive.

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Yeah, that helps me understand the passive aggressive behaviour I have. It makes sense. Thank you xxx

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Have u ever been diagnosed with PTSD? There is an element to PTSD (in some cases) called 'dissociation'. Not sure if that is what u mean or if u mean it more metaphorically? Either way, it's distressing and feels very real or surreal X

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Yeah, I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I have up myself as a child so as to be a accepted and loved by my mother and then went on to do the same when I went to go live with my dad and step Mom and now, I feel I have no identity. None that I feel is even a slither of who I truly am.

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One big part of the battle is realising what you already have. Try to think of this as an amazing opportunity to grow, improve, learn about yourself and all your strengths. Maybe the journey could be kinda fun 👍just start by making some small decisions and going with your instincts. U will eventually learn to trust yourself again x

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I love that. I become so overwhelmed with where I'm at and trying to live parts of myself that I've 'inherited' is so difficult especially when I have so much anger and deep hurt... Those parts are so difficult to love and accept. Thank you.

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Sounds like you've taken the first step to discovering who you actually are. Most people go through life without even asking themselves this question. The sad things are just as much of you as the good ones. Inheriting behaviours from your family and friends is not a bad thing, you unconsciously pick the traits which relate to you the most. Acting from social pressure is also completely natural as we are a pack species unlike a tiger for example, so it's embedded in you. It's a positive step to question who am I. You have to go down to go up. Sadness leads to a better understanding of yourself and a new appreciation for happiness :D Even though we like to avoid it at all costs!

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Wow! Thank you. I'm going to try express how I feel (which I've been taught the opposite of) and then try turn it around so as to find a way to accept these parts. Thank you.

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Yes! :D Nobody truly knows what they are doing anyway!! I started doing this about a year ago and realised it doesn't make much difference to the world/people, but it made a massive difference to me. A happier me, made a happier world around me (Most of the time).

If your interested this guy helped me....

. He talks slowly but give him a chance! He was a CEO, had it all but got depressed questioning who he was. He through it all away and sat on a bench for 4 years, thinking and talking to people. Very crazy I know! But now he helps millions of people. Awesome guy!

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Thank you. Xxx

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I am so happy to have had the chance to hear this

Thanks so much for attaching it.

I do not know much about Budism and other Eastern religions but this appears to me to have its roots in this.

It will be so useful to so many people.

Kim

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Thanks for sharing.

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I think all of us are a combination of our parents and families . Our life experiences as well as our friends. Are there any truly original personalities? I rather doubt it Choose the qualities you admire and make them your own. You have the opportunity to become the person you want to be. Not everyone is as self aware and so they don't make deliberate choices but fall into a personality by chance. I have made definite choices in my life. For example, I decided long ago to be nothing like my Mother and I chose someone I admire to emulate. I didn't want to become that person, I wanted to have some of the same characteristics . There are endless examples of good people to use as a guide. Any combination becomes uniquely you. Pam

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Beautiful advice. Thank you.

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Reckon your feelings have made you start to question your entrenched beliefs. Prejudice is due to entrenchment of parental and other friends views. If there was less prejudice there would be fewer wars, and greater co operation and friendship. Is it because you did not like your parents, that you are hating your spontaneous reactions? If there were so many unpleasant instances which have harmed you then, may be therapy of some thought might help. It's having opinions which are balanced based on reason, which count. Further education courses might help, so you can come to point of view which might be different but resonates with you. As long as you can rationalise your opinions with examples of behaviour, or factual information, then you might feel more comfortable. It's a good start to know you are discarding old ingrained negative opinions.

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Wow! Thank you.

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Hi MagicDreamer.

We all answer to a false self. We are all creations and prisoners of our conditioning; however, knowing that is the beginning of freedom. Knowing we are not our thoughts, beliefs and feelings. Knowing we are not actually our accumulated past. These things come and go like the tide. Like the wind. Here one moment and gone the next. Yet we give these experiences such weight and importance that it is hard to see past them. It's hard to see them as just phenomena, but it is possible. Your false self hasn't engulfed you. Quite the contrary: it doesn't exist. We ourselves give it solidity. We give it power. And that solidity and power can be extracted from it.

Who are we? Who is the true self?

Those are questions worth the struggle to answer.

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I come to understand to a certain level that I'm not the ego but I've thought I was my entire life. It's like I think I'm the darkness... Your words are very wise and Ive just been hit with an 'aaaaaaaaaah moment' Thank you xxx

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Stunning!

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Me and my sisters had a dysfunctional upbringing and suffered from Children Emotional Neglect when our emotional needs were either not met or were ignored or criticised, especially feelings like anger.

Two of us have spent our lives trying to be the people we would have been if we had been brought up in a supportive validated household. To a very large extent we have succeeded. My other 2 sister don't analyse themselves or have much self awareness so have remained stuck and unhappy. It makes them very difficult to deal with as our parents were. x

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I grew up the same way, hypercat54

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Hi there, I completely understand you, my father was a narcissist and as the only child, I adopted his persona more or less. It was traumatic to realize as an adult that "I" am not myself!!! And so many of my problems stem from this, and the emptiness and the anxiety and whatnot, you know what I'm talking about. Nobody who hasn't gone through this knows the deep pain and sorrow that comes along with this. At the time when you're just discovering it, it's a very very difficult time, I know, but keep working your way through, you can't go back now anyway, it's too late - keep going inside to seek for yourself, listen to your intuition. The anxiety is there because you are making progress. The real YOU are there and have always been, you just need to step by step "get yourself out of the darkness". I'm happy to say that I now have a sense of self which is I and not the mask. Although the mask of course comes back from time to time as a defense mechanism. I recommend the book "The drama of the gifted child" by Alice Miller.

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Amazing answer

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Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It certainly does help me understand where I'm at. My priority is getting a job so that I can leave the home of my family and get back on my feet. I'm walking in Faith. I have no other option at this stage. Thank youxxx

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Sounds good :))) Keep moving!!! You have my support and best wishes. <3

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Very close to what I'm experiencing as a senior with anxiety and other problems.

Don't recognize this person I've turned into and I continue to change without my control.

I used to be able to almost predict how I'd respond to a situation. Not any more. Anxiety takes over and I continue to lose the person I used to be.

Interesting how you realize you are part of all those people in your lives. They taught us how to act and react in past situations. Now we have to figure things out as per the rules of 2019 in society and within ourselves.

The past is over and done. We have to learn to leave it there and move forward for today to transform the confusion between yesterday and today.

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Yeah, I so agree. I'm however trying to find my authenticity and Ive had bursts in moments where I've been aware and a witness to my own magic so'm trying to NOT take things personally and walk away knowing that everyone has a different perspective and reality. I appreciate you sharing your experience as every response helps. Thank you. Xxx

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Follow your truth

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Magicdreamer, I completely understand where you are coming from. I have recently gone thru the same and am praying daily that God make me into the women He wants me to be cause I have no idea who I am! I have worn mask after mask so that my husband would love me and my friends would like me and my family would love me. Ugh, its really sad. My therapist said it is Disassociation and what I've read of that is its almost like split personality! Yikes, that's scary to me, which is why I have turned my entire being over to God!! May I pray for you? That you will do the same?

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Yea, please. Thank you and I will pray for you too. Xxx

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Please don’t think I’m taking this lightly. I understand the existential crisis you’re in. It can be profound.

I’d say look at it another way. If none (or maybe some match up) of these personality traits feel like you then you get to experiment. You get to go try life on. You get to do things and then ask yourself was I comfortable with that, do I want that in my life, are those the kind of people I like, does that style of (whatever) make me comfortable?

It can be exciting. It can be inspiring. Eventually those layers peel away from wherever they came from and you have developed who you are. I stopped aging emotionally at 17 after I was gang raped. I went on with life. At 40 it all fell apart except my career. My marriage, money, physical and mental health. I’m 55 now and it’s been a fantastic journey and I love me. I can be a bear but for the most part I have an eclectic life and friends and love from everywhere. I base the entrance into my bubble on if a person is an ass or asset and if they elicit an ass or asset out of me.

Go have some fun and go find your life. Lots of questions that only you can answer. May blessings go with you.

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Wow! That's a total mind blow. Thank you for sharing and for caring enough to share your experiences and great advice. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Xxx God bless you.

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God is good💛

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Hi Magicdreamer.

I have just read through this thread and will come back to it and read it again.

Thank you so much for initiating such an interesting discussion.

I have learned alot from it.

Kim

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You're welcome. Thank you. Xxx

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Don't know how I missed this thread. I was enmeshed and the "golden child" in a narcissisticly lead household. I too felt I didn't exist for most of my life and I barely did. I am now 60, mum died 5 years ago and I am going through healing. I know exactly what you mean about being a false self. I was a false self in her false world. Now I am in the real world. I nearly died but I didn't. I decided to fight. I am winning at the moment and starting to know who I really am.

Here's what I wrote on another post the other day. Don't know if you can relate?

"Being the "golden child" is a misnomer really as I thought I was being "loved" when in fact I was being abused; they keep you very young in many ways. They cook dinners for you well into your adult life, do your washing, keep you dependent in that way; they keep you at that age where you "adore them" ( developmentally ) at the same time as having other emotional expectations of you which are well beyond this developmental stage. So you provide but you don't really know how to. You are providing beyond what is really your emotional range. You don't grow up emotionally because they keep you stuck at a very young age.

It makes you very mentally ill ; I have never worked because I was too withdrawn and desperate and poorly. They do seem to have some sympathy with you being ill but they never connect it to themselves and in a way it serves them as if you weren't ill then you may start to question their view of reality which they don't want you to

. When you start to get better and question them they always tell everyone that you are becoming more ill; my mum when I did finally only once question her over something told everyone that I was going mad and needed to be put in a mental hospital. This is their way of exerting control and they are very good at it. Mum fooled many people for her whole life.

I don't think I could have started to heal before she died as the guilt would have been insurmountable. I felt that if I ever spoke negatively of her of did something out of her control that I would be punished by God. I really believed this. I thought I was in the wrong and she was in the right. I thought I was "imagining" the abuse and that really I was just weak.

I am up and down in my healing. I am not at a low point at the moment and each time I am out of that I think it will never happen again. Fingers crossed. It's been nearly 3 weeks now since I felt desperate. I keep hoping this time is the last time.

People have commented today on how much I have changed and developed in a positive way. At 60 it is like fast track learning. I am learning for example that people don't have a problem with me. I am not a problematic person. They have problems with other people and I always thought those other people ( who I have now found out they find difficult) were right and I was wrong. I got it all the wrong way round.

Narcissists are very good at getting us to do this :)"

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This makes complete sense and Ive picked up that narcissistic behaviour in relationships with men.... Not understanding why I become so defensive and very angry. I still feel like I'm wrong and a bad person at my core so I'm taking it day by day. I need to move out of my folks place as I really. Not allowed to do anything for myself and I'm 44 years old. My Mom is narcissistic and my dad and step Mom codependent and there is victim mentality so I'm dealing with a lot of dark personality traits trying to understand how I can love them and flip it as they are part me now.... I have recently understood that I can take my pier back so have out goals in place which I was never taught and am starting to feel the defense mechanism and then try not react so I'm using recovery to help lead the way changing being perfect to progressing. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your experience with me as it helps me so much. Lobe and light and well done on your progress. Xxx

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Thank you . You too :)

The great thing about the internet is that we realise we are not alone in what we are going / have been through .Hopefully this reduces the isolation of being in this position and gives us confidence to believe in ourselves and make changes.

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Totally agree. Isolation is such a deep and unbearable pain. It's the core of seperation. I'm grateful for all people in my life (internet and in the world). Xxx

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Was scrolling through your posts and I would just like to thank you for mentioning and introducing me to Teal Swan . I have just started watching her videos and they are amazing. There is literally one which has explained my whole "sexuality " issue to me. Mum was a narcissist and very powerful as a woman and she convinced me a man could never fulfill my emotional needs. I fulfilled mum's needs and also I thought it was "smart" therefore also to become a lesbian ( that way I wouldn't get "trapped " like she said he had been).

I've just been watching Teal Swans video about what women want from a relationship and it makes total sense to me. Infact I had been saying to my lesbian friend the other day that I think women want protection and safety from men and she told me I was completely mad! Now I see Teale saying these things and I realise that what has happened to me is that mum convinced me that a man could NEVER give me safety and protection ( because I believed everything she told me). Whereas in reality my deeper need IS to be made to feel safe by a man. That would be amazing ; to be made to feel safe and protected.

I didn't realise that other women who weren't "screwed up" ( like me) lived in a state of fear about men. I thought it was just me.

This really has helped me so much. I just need men to be respectful and make me feel totally safe. That is the answer I needed. Thank you so much.

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You're welcome and I feel exactly the same but my dad made me feel like it wasn't okay to like boys when I was younger. He literally took the phone to work so that boys couldn't call me and locked me in the house one day because he knew there was a boy next door that I liked. Between both my parents, I'm pretty fuct up. Lol! I'm allowed to love whoever I want and I also need to feel safe with a man that's why relationships terrify a part inside me. Teal Swan has helped me identify a lot of the feelings I have inside and she's been through a lot and was literally a shell of a person which gives me hope. The advice she gives, I try and it works. I'm so glad you have received some positive info regarding your own intuition as she just confirms what we've always known.... It's learning to trust ourselves again . I wish you all the very best in your healing and that you find your pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Xxx

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