I've always been afraid to be like an abusive ex I had. And of course, in trying to be the opposite I've found myself feeling so similar. My current partner who I've been with for a few years recently had a talk with me about how she can't be my caretaker, about how I need to grow up, about how I need to be more responsible and take care of myself. About how she needs to put herself first. And I get it. It's all stuff I've been telling her along the way. She needs to have her own mental health as a priority, have some more faith in me and letting me fail, and taking some time for herself to follow her hobbies. And now that she's finally finding that out for herself and telling me off, I feel so alone. She's been my main support, and now i feel like I can't even talk to her. I'm sitting here weeping because I can't get myself to get a damn haircut feeling pathetic wishing I could just pull it the fuck together already... nobody wants anyone like this. She's sick of it and with good reason. She could have better. I could be better. Yet here I am, sitting alone, sulking and crying, feeling like a sack of shit with nowhere to turn and no motivation.
1mg lorazapam deep, 50 mg hydroxyzine, medical cannabis to follow.