I've battled with depression since the age of 8 years and I'm 44 now and have only come to realise that I've been depressed most of my life. My caregivers were never there for me emotionally so I've built up walls and continue to isolate and push people away. My daughter was taken away from me 2 years ago for using drugs as I suffer from social anxiety and never understood why I was using substances but now I realise it was because I felt so 'bad' about myself. It been a year since I stopped using because I did it for myself which was the first thing I ever did for myself. I have been Terri let in relationships so brought my children up by myself and continued to drown in high sanding jobs until I had a burnout. I've since been holding on to this idea of my daughter still being the same age as she was when she was taken from me and. Learning to let go of the past which has kept my mind busy with 'what if' or 'should have' which is futile. Now writing her a journal knowing that I've been cut off from her and have no access so the journal helps me understand how I'm feeling and will hopefully allow her to understand that I didn't abandon her because I only knew what I knew. Its been along and hard life and I'm determined to unravel what's going on inside but it ain't easy.... Everyday is another day and I go to bed at night thinking, 'aaah, shit tomorrow's another day' and I feel terrified that my life is going to be an empty hole forever..... I have moments where I think of suicide and I pray for guidance which has brought me to this group. I desperately need to connect with people of the same as people out there either deny their depression or choose not to care and I feel like I'm alone on the inside of a glass wall watching everyone else O. The other side thinking there's something wrong with me. If anything, I think that people who acknowledge their suffering of depression is a strength and a walk in the right direction and I'd rather he honest about where I'm at than walk in denial so well done to myself and to each and everyone who has acknowledged where they are because you're making a conscious choice to heal and I'm so grateful to have found this group because now I know I'm not alone.
Much love and light and hope.
Xxx
Written by
Magicdreamer
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I suffered from CEN (childhood emotional neglect) when my parents never validated me and as a consequence I never learned that I was important, nor how to regulate my emotions properly. I always felt empty too and disconnected. I would dissociate all the time which was put down by my school to daydreaming.
My depression started around the age of 7 and I too built brick walls to isolate myself. This is a necessary survival tactic otherwise I would have gone out of my mind. Of course like you I carried this through to my adulthood and found it very difficult to connect with others.
You will notice I talk in the past tense as I have largely healed and no longer feel empty. What helped me enormously was having the desire to change and have counselling. I am quite a bit older than you too and all my life has been a learning curve.
There are some big things I have never been able to achieve like a family but at least I have a life which is (mostly) ok now.
I am so sorry about your daughter - when she is 18 she will be free to contact you or the other way round, so hopefully she will. Seek counselling and learn how to be your true authentic self is my advice. x
Thank you so much for sharing with me your story.... It rings so close to mine. It brings tears to my eyes so thank you. I'm in therapy and started off healing with help from Teal Swan so I've come a long way but I'm still unraveling so much. You're inspirational story helps a great deal - thank you.
Yes, the first step in healing is admitting there is a problem. You are on the journey to a better you and life. Who is there that hasn't made mistakes that we wish we could do over or take back? Each day is a new opportunity to embrace life and do good, no matter how small it is. God loves you and will help you if you reach out to him. I will keep you in my prayers. Continue day by day, little by little. You will get to a better place. Hugs.
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