Wanting To Give Up

I'm no longer happy, my strength has depleted, my mind is a mess, my heart is weakening, and my drive to continue is completely gone. I already feel dead inside...so why keep a heartbeat? To be there to watch my family go homeless? To watch my wife suffer through my illness and our financial woes because of me? To watch my kids and know that they can sense that daddy isn't happy and have them withdraw from me? I ask for a miracle...I had a miracle from a blessed person on this exact group help with a bill to keep our lights on, but now I'm worried about everything all over again. I know money is said to not make people happy, but when you have depression, anxiety, and 2 kids that deserve the world....money would make sticking around a whole lot easier. I think I'm giving up.

[Fearoffear]

I am going to say something you have never heard before.....it will get better. Oh you've heard that before, me too. My kids are all almost adults now and I was homeless twice with them and my husband (now ex) and my mom 3 little kids living from parking lot to parking lot in a 2001 Chevy Malibu from the day before Thanksgiving until Christmas eve and I'm in northern PA. That was the first time and the second was a year after my mom died I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown and this time my sons were in a wheelchairs and hospital beds and I was lucky for someone to offer a small efficiency for double what I was making in mortgage a month. I called OCY on myself and begged for help and they paid my security deposit to move into where I am now. Fast forward 7 years and I was offered my house on land contract for 6 years and then I own it. I am 4 years away from ownership. I still have terrible anxiety spells but am learning to accept and move on. If I would have ended it back in 2002 when I was homeless the first time, i would never have saw 2 of my children graduate my 3rd is graduating on June 4th and he turns 20 on the 12th of June one left she's 13 going on 30 lol 6 more years and she graduates too. My husband could never have afforded a funeral on top of no money and the grief of no money and losing the person who agreed through better or worse, sickness and health. You looked in that babies eyes and said I will love you and keep you safe. You didn't look in their eyes and say I'll give you a million dollars. You have strength in numbers just like I did. Remeber Mother's Day just passed and you gave your wife those joys to hold and next month is Father's Day where your wife shows you the joys you made back and look at those innocent faces and smiles and know the only ones worried are the adults. My kids sit around sometimes laughing at the antics that went on in that car and store bathrooms we frequented it was an adventure for pirate treasure if you listen to them. I think back and say to myself it was scary and a pain but we grew closer (pun intended) in that Malibu as a family. Please if you need to talk or bounce ideas I am here!! Gentle hugs!!!

[Agora1 in reply to Fearoffear]

Such a beautiful and heart warming response Fearoffear. I never knew you had

gone through so much. Only by your own experience were you able to convey

to us that miracles are possible. Not easy and certainly doesn't erase the anxiety

but you never gave up. What a gift you gave your children. You so deserve the

rewards of the difficult years you went through. I admire you. With love, Agora1 xx

[Fearoffear in reply to Agora1]

Agora you always know how to make me feel good about myself. Thanks for encouragement to continue in my journey. Gentle hugs!!

[Hidden]

Yes you need to stick around even if that means going homeless for a while. You stick around because financial problems are temporary. You stick around because love is most important. Leaving your family to fend for themselves without you and in pain is the absolute worst thing you could do. You can get through this! Does your county offer resources such as temporary housing? Call the department of housing and see what programs they have. Call the city and see what they have. If you live in a fairly large town there are programs to help you get on your feet. Even educational programs to get your retrained and into a job. Don’t give up!

[Paxygirl]

Beautiful children! What a blessing to have two beautiful kids, that need Daddy around. Your in a tough spot, but digging deep, you got this. Your children and wife make it worthwhile. Financials will pass and as one door closes four more open. Your future is bright.

[Lulububs]

I feel the pain... the never feeling like u can get above all the troubles like ur just getting by but it hard and sometime u question do i want to just get by!

Why cant i b happy. Why cant i stop feeling this drowning in despair sometimes but what stops

Me and makes me get on with it is i have been through it before and it does clear and get better, then u have that little realisation ur glad u didnt do anything drastic.

I would never put my poor family through a suicide as my dad did the same many years ago and to tell truth its him i blame for my problems ...

I wouldnt have this mental problem if i had not have found my dad dead at 13 so think of ur children.

They were rather u were there then having to live with knowing there dad chose to leave them then try to live and IT WILL EFFECT THEM FOR THE WHOLE REST OF THERE LIVES!

So please speak to the samaritans or a gp and get some therapy as no matter how bad u feel it will b nowhere as bad as ur children will feel if u leave them.

I found getting a job, socialising and finding friends ... when u find abit of pride in looking after ur family ur life will lift... ur still have days but they wont b as bad and ur get through...

U need help... either gp help for some antidepressants or some financial help but u must ask