16 and always broken.: Now I lay me... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

58,347 members58,459 posts

16 and always broken.

sing_my_soul profile image
sing_my_soul

Now I lay me

down to sleep.

I wait for the demons

to come and creep.

From out of the closet

and under the bed.

Coming from the dark corners

of my head.

Their bloody fangs

and ripping claws,

they lay me open

and expose my flaws.

Away from the light,

and away from the sun.

Trapped in a place

nowhere to run.

All through the night,

alone with my fears.

Drowning from the

weight of my tears.

With no one to pray to.

And no soul to take.

I sleep with the demons,

until the time that I wake.

-------

I remember writing this when I was about 16....almost 10 years ago. I wrote it just to write it. It flowed and spoke to me at a level I never understood. I think I've always been broken. Lately it's all ever feel. So so broken.

I'm aware I feel like this, I see my therapist. Talk with her, and yet this feeling just doesn't go away. My family tries to understand they really do. My husband my mother my friends.....my demons are the only ones that understand but they'll also be the death of me if I can't fix what's broken.

But trying to explain depression is like trying to explain love. Unless you've truly experienced it you can't fully understand the most important parts of it.

22 Replies

Your therapist doesn't help much if you're still feeling this way, can you try to find a new one

I'm very new to seeing a therapist only about a solid month. It's been a step process. I grew up in an environment where mental health issues where not real or excepted.

Hidden profile image
Hidden

Well said, I don’t believe people without the issue do understand. It doesn’t seem real to them.

sing_my_soul profile image
sing_my_soul in reply to Hidden

They cannot wrap their heads around it. There's only so many times I can tell them I can't explain the way I feel the way I do. It turns into me just saying I'm fine with an apple pie eating grin.

Hidden profile image
Hidden in reply to sing_my_soul

I understand, when I was going through it, I had to constantly lie and pretend I was fine so I wouldn’t draw attention- kinda like hating your job but always being appreciative to your boss.

Do you still write poems?

sing_my_soul profile image
sing_my_soul in reply to mrmonk

Yes and no. It's very on and off and more times then not they are quite dark.

mrmonk profile image
mrmonk in reply to sing_my_soul

Sometimes, darkness is more illuminating, I think.

Well, damn. That poem is fantastic. And you're right, we're all slaves to our perspectives. People who have never stayed up all night feeling their own thoughts creep around them just don't get it. It's not their fault, of course, but it sucks all the same.

It's good that you're seeing a therapist. I've only recently started addressing my issues as well and, while its a process, I really think it's worth it.

I hope you start to see some progress soon. You CAN find your way through this.

wow, what a well written poem . That's exactly how I felt when i was at my worst. So true that unless you've had depression it's very hard to completely understand, and understand how awful it can be. Thankyou for sharing ❤️

You have people here that truly understand what depression is like , I for one sure do ❤️

I like what your poem suggests that in an era where we have medicalized and diagnosed everything as an illness, many illnesses of body and mind were once categorized as spirits. I'm not saying they are, but I'm suggesting there could be an element of spiritual attack or oppression about them. I am Catholic and have received anointing of the sick many times. Someone also once prayed over me to cover me in the blood of Jesus.

I agree with the other responders that you have talent as a poet!

That is such a moving and raw poem! Absolutely brilliant! That’s exactly how a poem should be & you mentioned no soul in the poem, but that came deep from within yours. You’re not broken, you just feel as though you are - I feel ‘broken’ a lot & I think it’s because I feel so alone in how I feel. My family & friends don’t get it & that’s where my broken feeling comes from. There’s so many people suffering as you do & we are not all broken... we just have different struggles in life.

You have a talent & your ‘demons’ have given you a gift. You can help others by writing these amazing poems. You understand what so few do!

I have PMDD & I describe it as a demon that takes over me & I disappear into the background. Your poem for me describes my endless nights of insomnia and all the negative thoughts that plague me.

Thank you so much for sharing, as I don’t feel so broken anymore, but a part of a huge array of people who the suffer the same.

You’re an amazing person to write & share such an honest & real poem.

True.. and I used to see a therapist but I just felt like I was paying someone to hear me & medicate me. I just wanted a connection a relationship with someone who understood. Then I also figured only I could make me better. I wish you the best .. nice poem.

Great poem!

It is well worth using your talent to write more poems.

This will help you by bringing out your feelings and help others who are feeling the same because they will realise they are not alone.

It may also help others who do not understand mental health problems realise the frightening and devastating feelings we go through when suffering from depression and anxiety.

Kim

Through these ten years did you have a break? I mean, did you have a moment where the demons were quiet? I say that because I feel the same, I feel like there were suposed to be some ups and downs, but I feel trapped in this constant sequence of downs and it feels it will never get better. At the same time I feel like it's just a matter of learning to appreciate the ups. I don't know.

I wish you all the best. I hope you feel better soon, those are some beautiful words full of strong feelings.

I think I've always pushed them down. Locked them away. But I'm not sure when it happened but the door got unlocked and they were really angry very very angry.

I just want to say that it CAN get better. It really can. With the right therapist that you feel comfortable with, meditation daily for just ten minutes... You are not broken. <3

Hey x

Your poem touched me !

Even a sufferer myself it’s hard to say what you feel to others it’s unexplainable and that’s the frightening part almost like being trapped in a burning room with no way out

No two people share the same depression feelings or thoughts

Are you on medication ? Have you had your bloods done to check you vitamin d levels and b 12 levels ? I did recently and I was deficient which also participated in a shit mood ! Also a balance in serotonin ! Especially if you have felt this way for years

Do all you can to get better !! X

That was a beautiful poem..You are really talented..how was your childhood? Did you have a happy childhood with parents who loved and accepted you unconditionally? if not this could be the beginning of depression, but still we don t have to suffer I think..I used to suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts and depression was gone within days after changing my diet..I m not saying it will work with everyone but it's worth trying..no white sugar as it causes depression..now I make my own chocolates with coc oil, Stevie sugar, macca powder, ginger etc. No processed food.no cookies bread pasta etc.now I have e.g. sprouted beans with a sauce of blended sundries tomatos, olives, artichokes and avocado or omelettes and spinach. very little meat,fish is better like sardines and veg. No veg oils, I use Olive oil instead.very little frying, maybe an omelette fried with coc oil twice a week. And no dairy at all. I loved John Ross' s you tube videos on juice detoxing and how it transformed him as a human being, connected him with his spirituality and changed his perception of life within days..I want to try it next. There s a depression epidemic. Our life is not always a bed of roses, but could it also be what we put in our bodies?could it also be all these chemicals and unnatural foods that we are feeding our cells? I also did a little bit of meditation and exercise. My depression was gone after change of diet, but I still had anxiety..recently I tried ayrveda herbs for anxiety and nervous system, along with B complex vitamins and D3. I feel a lot calmer after trying these. and after reading psychology books and Buddhist books I felt now was the time to accept myself with my imperfections and I think it s working. I feel the best i v ever felt within 14 year s. 14 years ago was when depression started for me after a very bad relationship that I had. I m saying from my experience there s a way out..We need to see ourselves holistically and give ourselves what we truly need I think. I hope you 'll see a way out ..don t give up..your demons could be your mind needing other things than what you give it at the moment and there s a body mind connection..heal your body and it could heal our emotional world..I believe we are meant to be peaceful, loving and caring and happy and we can....Take care

Operalady profile image
Operalady in reply to Feathe

Powerful. Truth! I will reread and try what you are doing ! Thank you!

Oh what a great poem! Keep writing!!!! Yes I understand how you feel! So many famous artist sing , write from their dominant emothion depression. It has to be transformed or it kills you Devoures you! It has to have a voice to transform it into beautiful humanity! Into heeling !

You may also like...