Anti-social, but want social life, an... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Anti-social, but want social life, anyone relate?

AG170
AG170

So everyday, I struggle with the fact that I hardly have a social life. Don't get me wrong, much of this reason is my fault. I'm very quite and don't approach people. My first instinct is to not want people to talk to me, but the only reason for this is because I fear I can't hold a conversation, which happens quite often. It's not because I don't like people. Also, when I do get into conversation, I just feel like people get bored or don't find interest in what I have to say. I think this is part of why I have depression, but it certainly is not the only reason.

Anyways, anyone else in the same boat?

33 Replies
oldestnewest

Me too! Which doesn’t really make sense because I am a teacher. But when I get into social situations outside of my classroom, I feel the same way you do so I don’t really get involved. In fact sometimes I don’t go at all figuring no one would miss me. The one thing I have done which has helped is that I started going to places that I know other people have the same interests as me, like sporting events. Sports may not be your thing, but maybe there is something else that could work for you? What do you enjoy doing or have an interest in? Maybe we can help each other out with this.

AG170
AG170
in reply to Coop1313

I've considered that finding hobbies would help me many times, which probably would, no doubt. The thing is though, even back when I was active and doing all kinds of sports, I still was super quiet and was considered as the loner, so I think it's just a part of me to always feel this way regardless. You make a great point though.

And I'd love to help you! So do you have a few people you can talk to who are into sports like you are?

Coop1313
Coop1313
in reply to AG170

Yes, I coach fir a small college in the area so I have a built in group of basketball junkies who will talk basketball all night. But sometimes I don’t say a lot because I doubt my knowledge of the game even though I shouldn’t.

AG170
AG170
in reply to Coop1313

Doubting myself hinders me from talking too. I often find myself saying things like "now I don't know about this for sure, but", which sounds like I'm not sure what I'm even talking about.

Coop1313
Coop1313
in reply to AG170

Good news! I went to a neighborhood meeting last night that a developer was having because they are building a bunch of new home close to my house. Normally I wouldn’t go but I went because of our conversations. I was nervous but it went good. I got there early so I wouldn’t have to make small talk but ended up talking to a few people. During the meeting I even asked two questions! I had to push myself to do that. At the end of the meeting, a neighbor cane over and told me they were glad I asked those questions because they had the ones and they were a little intimidated to ask them. Thanks for your help! I would say it’s your turn now, but that’s not how this works. But maybe an opportunity will come up for you and you can use my experience as an incentive to try.

AG170
AG170
in reply to Coop1313

Wow, I'm glad that what we talked about made an impact. I also reflect on my conversations and take them into consideration, which is what I was hoping to gain from this site. I check it everyday, it's helping little by little.

Coop1313
Coop1313
in reply to AG170

Like I tell my players - just get a tiny bit better each day and before you know it you will see a difference. We will both get there!

I am absolutely in the same boat, i can totally relate. I am quiet and don't approach people as well. that's one of my barriers - initiating a conversation. then comes the part of keeping a conversation going, and i worry i'll say the wrong thing, share too much or whatever, so i tend not to say a whole lot ... which leads to those awkward pauses.

AG170
AG170
in reply to explorerPHX

Me too! I overthink things, even small talk. It's more simple to just not say anything, even though I may want to.

explorerPHX
explorerPHX
in reply to AG170

exactly. same goes for me as well. i want to say something, but i just can't get myself to do it. like you said, it's more simple to just not say anything.

I’m the same way! I was actually just talking to my therapist today about this. Like someone else said she liked ideas where you have something in common with someone else. Like an art museum because you could talk about the art. Ugh, she wants me to come up with a list of things to do and people to do them with so I don’t get depressed on the weekends and keep busy.

But I’m also awful at small talk! I can never keep a conversation going which in some ways I think is my fault because I think I might be too focused on myself and not ask enough about the other person. I know people love to talk about themselves, I just have to think of questions to ask them and remember to actual ask them when the time comes. It’s hard for me to get close with people.

You're so right about how people like to talk about themselves, which is totally fine. I can talk about anything and everything, but I also feel like I lack common sense sometimes so people don't dig deep in conversations with me.

Same here. I consider myself inferior in such situations, I think thats the reason for my depression. I really like to talk and be out going and enjoy myself, which feels like a dream to me. I force myself to be confident but nothing interests me to talk about me or what I do, so end up not talking much. I feel people like to be friends with who are intelligent, outgoing and updated with the external world. I question myself how can I fit in this world.

AG170
AG170
in reply to ClerMind

I realized that too. Almost anyone who has great social skills tends to have a great social life, which, of course, makes sense. I wish I was more like that, but I'm quiet, so I'm not the type to be all happy go joy around everyone.

I feel exactly the same way. I tried going the hobbies route and joined a knitting group that meets twice a week. I’ve been going for years but hardly ever talk but I consider these women to be friends. The past three weeks I haven’t been able to go because of a strained back and I am feeling sorry for myself because nobody has called me. When other members don’t show up they always call to see what is the matter. I am very depressed over this and feel like never going back.

AG170
AG170
in reply to bazham

That's a shame, I'm sorry. That's another thing. Being left as a result from being too quiet. It's easy to get excluded from everything and people not even giving much thought about it, even though you give a lot of thought about it.

bazham
bazham
in reply to AG170

Exactly! Feeling disconnected makes me want to just hole up in my house which adds to the depression.

AG170
AG170
in reply to bazham

That's what I've been doing for awhile. 😕

bazham
bazham
in reply to AG170

For me, being stuck at home makes the day drag on so long I often end up crawling back in bed. It’s a viscous cycle. Then I feel like a real loser. 😪

AG170
AG170
in reply to bazham

I know that feeling. My life is so predictable because I usually stick with the same routine.

bazham
bazham
in reply to AG170

I am on psych disability so my time is really unstructured. I have been told I would be much better if I had a regular routine.

AG170
AG170
in reply to bazham

Oh, well possibly, makes things more organized that way.

I'm very isolated. I have general anxiety and bipolar II. My bipolar is mostly managable. My anxiety is the problem. when my anxiety symptoms flare up, I have trouble leaving my apartment. I have a lot of hobbies, but no unbiased supporters. I have spent a good twenty years of my life surrounded by severely mentally ill individuals. While these people can relate to you, these are not people who express themselves in a healthy manner or can support you.

I don't know about other members on this website, but I've been in and out of mental health institutions since I was a child for being suicidal and what people labeled thoughtlessly as out of control (read: fighting against abusive situations). I don't have a criminal record, a history of violence...etc.

I'm getting off tangent.

Essentially, I think that friendships should be based in mutual interests. Then you can really click... I love writing and I recently found a fellow writer. We talk on the phone frequently (we live on two different areas of the USA unfortunately ) and we just get each other. It was hard to explain my illness to her, but she was very receptive. I've always been scared of being rejected because of my illness. I wish mental health was treated like asthma and not like leperacy.

AG170
AG170
in reply to nowyouseeme

Thank you so much for sharing this, and I totally agree with you. Looking back, anytime I had any kind of friendship with anyone, it was because we shared some kind of hobby together. Not always the case, but for the most part it is.

Hi we are all different. Some are quite extrovert like me but others more introvert. The most important thing is even if you are quiet then pay attention to what others are talking about and look interested. Ie follow the conversation whoever is talking. This is how to be accepted in a group situation. Quet people are listened to more when they do speak as they want to get to know you better too.

Individually don't look on a conversation with one person to be a trial as it's meant to be relaxing and a way of connecting. Just be yourself as that's what others find most interesting and attractive. Keep it light and find humour if you can. I find that works for me. x

AG170
AG170
in reply to hypercat54

I am a great listener, but a lot of times, I either don't have that much knowledge on what the other person is talking about, don't know the right words to say next, or don't know if they would be interested in what I have to say next.

hypercat54
hypercat54
in reply to AG170

You don't have to have knowledge about the subject so just pick up on the emotion behind it. You can say something like I love your passion, or how long have you been doing this etc. x

Same here. I feel like the older you get the harder it is to meet people. I'm shy so it's hard for me to go and talk to people. My 2 older brothers aren't shy so not quite sure why that fell on me. I went to a concert and stood in the same spot for over 5 hours and didn't drink or speak to anyone around me. Other then the few people standing near me who wanted to pass and might have said hi and excuse me. If people start the conversation I feel like I could continue but I'm not one to just walk up to someone and initiate a conversation. Theres some other things as well. Hope some of this makes sense. My mind is all jumbled up right now.

AG170
AG170
in reply to Michael8072

All my sisters are extroverts too, but then there's me, who's an introvert. I remember a long time ago when one of my sisters and I were little kids, we went to a dance party, and I remember my sister saying, "Why did you even come if you were just going to stand there?". Even to this day, I'm like that. It's just who I am.

I wonder what the percentage is of introverts suffering from depression as opposed to extroverts? I don’t like labels all that much but I know I am introverted. People exhaust me, having to be ‘on’ everyday is exhausting and yet if I am not around people and I climb back into my shell, I am miserable. It takes me a good while to decompress after being around people for a time. I want to be social but it’s difficult. Life is a paradox.

AG170
AG170
in reply to Puzzled57

It's difficult to find a happy medium, that's for sure.

I used to have social phobia and can relate to this. Do you take medication at all?

AG170
AG170
in reply to mvillarreal

No, I won't take any medication unless I have to because I like to keep things natural.

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