So everyday, I struggle with the fact that I hardly have a social life. Don't get me wrong, much of this reason is my fault. I'm very quite and don't approach people. My first instinct is to not want people to talk to me, but the only reason for this is because I fear I can't hold a conversation, which happens quite often. It's not because I don't like people. Also, when I do get into conversation, I just feel like people get bored or don't find interest in what I have to say. I think this is part of why I have depression, but it certainly is not the only reason.
Me too! Which doesn’t really make sense because I am a teacher. But when I get into social situations outside of my classroom, I feel the same way you do so I don’t really get involved. In fact sometimes I don’t go at all figuring no one would miss me. The one thing I have done which has helped is that I started going to places that I know other people have the same interests as me, like sporting events. Sports may not be your thing, but maybe there is something else that could work for you? What do you enjoy doing or have an interest in? Maybe we can help each other out with this.
I've considered that finding hobbies would help me many times, which probably would, no doubt. The thing is though, even back when I was active and doing all kinds of sports, I still was super quiet and was considered as the loner, so I think it's just a part of me to always feel this way regardless. You make a great point though.
And I'd love to help you! So do you have a few people you can talk to who are into sports like you are?
Yes, I coach fir a small college in the area so I have a built in group of basketball junkies who will talk basketball all night. But sometimes I don’t say a lot because I doubt my knowledge of the game even though I shouldn’t.
Doubting myself hinders me from talking too. I often find myself saying things like "now I don't know about this for sure, but", which sounds like I'm not sure what I'm even talking about.
Good news! I went to a neighborhood meeting last night that a developer was having because they are building a bunch of new home close to my house. Normally I wouldn’t go but I went because of our conversations. I was nervous but it went good. I got there early so I wouldn’t have to make small talk but ended up talking to a few people. During the meeting I even asked two questions! I had to push myself to do that. At the end of the meeting, a neighbor cane over and told me they were glad I asked those questions because they had the ones and they were a little intimidated to ask them. Thanks for your help! I would say it’s your turn now, but that’s not how this works. But maybe an opportunity will come up for you and you can use my experience as an incentive to try.
Wow, I'm glad that what we talked about made an impact. I also reflect on my conversations and take them into consideration, which is what I was hoping to gain from this site. I check it everyday, it's helping little by little.
I am absolutely in the same boat, i can totally relate. I am quiet and don't approach people as well. that's one of my barriers - initiating a conversation. then comes the part of keeping a conversation going, and i worry i'll say the wrong thing, share too much or whatever, so i tend not to say a whole lot ... which leads to those awkward pauses.
exactly. same goes for me as well. i want to say something, but i just can't get myself to do it. like you said, it's more simple to just not say anything.
I’m the same way! I was actually just talking to my therapist today about this. Like someone else said she liked ideas where you have something in common with someone else. Like an art museum because you could talk about the art. Ugh, she wants me to come up with a list of things to do and people to do them with so I don’t get depressed on the weekends and keep busy.
But I’m also awful at small talk! I can never keep a conversation going which in some ways I think is my fault because I think I might be too focused on myself and not ask enough about the other person. I know people love to talk about themselves, I just have to think of questions to ask them and remember to actual ask them when the time comes. It’s hard for me to get close with people.
You're so right about how people like to talk about themselves, which is totally fine. I can talk about anything and everything, but I also feel like I lack common sense sometimes so people don't dig deep in conversations with me.
Same here. I consider myself inferior in such situations, I think thats the reason for my depression. I really like to talk and be out going and enjoy myself, which feels like a dream to me. I force myself to be confident but nothing interests me to talk about me or what I do, so end up not talking much. I feel people like to be friends with who are intelligent, outgoing and updated with the external world. I question myself how can I fit in this world.
I realized that too. Almost anyone who has great social skills tends to have a great social life, which, of course, makes sense. I wish I was more like that, but I'm quiet, so I'm not the type to be all happy go joy around everyone.
I feel exactly the same way. I tried going the hobbies route and joined a knitting group that meets twice a week. I’ve been going for years but hardly ever talk but I consider these women to be friends. The past three weeks I haven’t been able to go because of a strained back and I am feeling sorry for myself because nobody has called me. When other members don’t show up they always call to see what is the matter. I am very depressed over this and feel like never going back.
That's a shame, I'm sorry. That's another thing. Being left as a result from being too quiet. It's easy to get excluded from everything and people not even giving much thought about it, even though you give a lot of thought about it.
I'm very isolated. I have general anxiety and bipolar II. My bipolar is mostly managable. My anxiety is the problem. when my anxiety symptoms flare up, I have trouble leaving my apartment. I have a lot of hobbies, but no unbiased supporters. I have spent a good twenty years of my life surrounded by severely mentally ill individuals. While these people can relate to you, these are not people who express themselves in a healthy manner or can support you.
I don't know about other members on this website, but I've been in and out of mental health institutions since I was a child for being suicidal and what people labeled thoughtlessly as out of control (read: fighting against abusive situations). I don't have a criminal record, a history of violence...etc.
I'm getting off tangent.
Essentially, I think that friendships should be based in mutual interests. Then you can really click... I love writing and I recently found a fellow writer. We talk on the phone frequently (we live on two different areas of the USA unfortunately ) and we just get each other. It was hard to explain my illness to her, but she was very receptive. I've always been scared of being rejected because of my illness. I wish mental health was treated like asthma and not like leperacy.
Thank you so much for sharing this, and I totally agree with you. Looking back, anytime I had any kind of friendship with anyone, it was because we shared some kind of hobby together. Not always the case, but for the most part it is.
Hi we are all different. Some are quite extrovert like me but others more introvert. The most important thing is even if you are quiet then pay attention to what others are talking about and look interested. Ie follow the conversation whoever is talking. This is how to be accepted in a group situation. Quet people are listened to more when they do speak as they want to get to know you better too.
Individually don't look on a conversation with one person to be a trial as it's meant to be relaxing and a way of connecting. Just be yourself as that's what others find most interesting and attractive. Keep it light and find humour if you can. I find that works for me. x
I am a great listener, but a lot of times, I either don't have that much knowledge on what the other person is talking about, don't know the right words to say next, or don't know if they would be interested in what I have to say next.
You don't have to have knowledge about the subject so just pick up on the emotion behind it. You can say something like I love your passion, or how long have you been doing this etc. x
Same here. I feel like the older you get the harder it is to meet people. I'm shy so it's hard for me to go and talk to people. My 2 older brothers aren't shy so not quite sure why that fell on me. I went to a concert and stood in the same spot for over 5 hours and didn't drink or speak to anyone around me. Other then the few people standing near me who wanted to pass and might have said hi and excuse me. If people start the conversation I feel like I could continue but I'm not one to just walk up to someone and initiate a conversation. Theres some other things as well. Hope some of this makes sense. My mind is all jumbled up right now.
All my sisters are extroverts too, but then there's me, who's an introvert. I remember a long time ago when one of my sisters and I were little kids, we went to a dance party, and I remember my sister saying, "Why did you even come if you were just going to stand there?". Even to this day, I'm like that. It's just who I am.
I wonder what the percentage is of introverts suffering from depression as opposed to extroverts? I don’t like labels all that much but I know I am introverted. People exhaust me, having to be ‘on’ everyday is exhausting and yet if I am not around people and I climb back into my shell, I am miserable. It takes me a good while to decompress after being around people for a time. I want to be social but it’s difficult. Life is a paradox.
Hi, everything you said I can relate to. When I am around others I find myself just listening and not engaging in conversation. I get tongue tied and can't think of anything to say. I tried interacting at a yoga class or the gym, but after saying hi I choked and just walked away. I get so nervous and anxious.
I feel like I relate a little too much. I fear people talking to me because I’m so socially awkward that I feel like I’ll just embarrass myself, but I would really enjoy having some friends lol. It doesn’t make much sense, which is why it is so frustrating.
Yes! I I get so insecure of myself, when I have conversations with people. I too think that I’m not as interesting as I may appear, and people will lose interest with me. I have tried to open myself up and make friends on ,like, apps, and what not , Bumble being one of them.
It went well for quite a while , and then it seemed like most of the people in the group chat kind of got into these cliques , and I was left out. I got so discouraged and sad and gave up. I kind of envy my partner a bit when it comes to his social life. There’s several groups and what not, and he just opens up and it’s so cool to see. It’s crazy because he tells me I’m just as interesting, and it might actually be true. But, the thing is I just do not open up. He tries to bring me around them often, but I want a social life to call my own, ya know?
I think it kind of stems from the fact that I beat myself up, for screwing up my old friendships. I think that I just don’t have what it takes to be a good friend. The reason my old relationships fizzled is because I was at such a low point , ( at least what I thought was low ) , back then. As a teen, I was in the middle of my parents getting divorced. I’m an only child, so it was pretty rough on me. And the thing is , my friends all had parents who were divorced, so you’d think I’d open up to them , right? Nope. I bottled it up. I always came across like I had a picture perfect family, so to watch that family fizzle in front of my eyes, it left me so emotionally scarred. I was so embarrassed, and when my friend tried to reach out , I bottled all my feelings up and pushed her away. I still think about those friends nowadays, But I am afraid to reach out. I was really do miss them. Now, I have made up the scenario that my karma is to just not have that many friends anymore. I really want that group of girls where it’s like a sisterhood. And, the thing is I had that for so many years. There is something so special about growing up with a group of girlfriends , and you go from children to teenagers to adulthood , with them. It’s such a beautiful thing, and I ruined what would have become just that. I kind of sink into depression thinking about social life and all of that, and joke about being a recluse, but actually I am a beautiful balance of a homebody and a social butterfly. But I feel that I am a social butterfly that has yet to break out of its cocoon. That makes me sad. And, this pandemic did not help ha ha.
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