Hey family
I am defeated right now..
I just found out my husband is cheating on me with not 1 woman but 2 which are i am sure about.He is also flirts with countless ladies.
I found out about this through his watsapp msgs..please do not tell me i shouldn't have snooped privacy blah blah..the fact is he is cheating
How do i confront him..i am not a very confrontational person.
What do i do??????please assist
Hey there,
Wow, I can't imagine how you feel right now and all the different emotions you're dealing with. The best avenue, if you do not want to do a straight on confrontation might be at a counselor's office. I say this because I think, just in case, it's good to have another person in the room for your safety. There's no telling his reaction....and even then...he'll likely deny it, say it was someone else, hacked, and every other BS answer in the book.
If not, kindly (despite his lack thereof) ask him to sit down and chat. Maybe you talk about your relationship and see if he's feeling some distance between the two of you. You can even allude to feeling as if he's not interested in you anymore. For your sake, despite most states (if you're in the US) not recognizing bigamy as grounds for a "fault" (some states do allow this), this will boil down as to what you want to do with this marriage. I would think it wise to keep all evidence that you have of the altercations and communication with these women. I think if you can drag it out of him, great. If not, to keep confrontation at a minimum...end your conversation with something like, "Well, I'm sorry that I cannot believe your explanations to what's going on with our marriage because of your straying elsewhere for attention....and more." At this point, place it down, and exit for him to process his errors.
Do you know what you want to do? Divorce will always seem the easy answer. Some couples can manage to come back from this...though there is usually something missing that caused any form of infidelity (attention, lack of physical activity, communication, etc.). If you ever feel like you're in danger after confronting him, find safe refuge with family and/or friends.
I understand how you feel defeated and that things feel particularly lousy. Know that you are worth much more than this from a spouse and that it seems like he has the issue with commitment. I would seek counseling or therapy for yourself while you manage this all...you're going to need support and some guidance for the "low" days. I'm very sorry this happened to you. You aren't alone in this regard and I'm sure there are others on here who have been in this exact situation. My best advice is to try to keep confidence up, form a plan for however you'd like to confront him (maybe see a counselor first...they'll have good tactics), and go through with it. Don't let this guy's major error make you feel any less worthy of love and affection. Above all else, you are not defeated...you will come out of this better in the long run if you opt to leave him: happier, satisfied, and hopefully with a better partner in life where you can use this relationship to learn what you desire in a person.
In the mean time, try to be kind to yourself and remember, I feel like I keep saying this, you're worth so much more and will be able to get through this. It'll be better to get this out of the way so you can return to life free of a terrible person. I think you'll find it much greener on the other side of this temporary mountain of a mistake (him). Make that counseling appointment and be well, kind, loving, and forgiving to yourself. It's okay to cry and let the pain ease away. Please take care and I truly wish the best for you while going through a really difficult time.
Thanks so much for the kind words..i have been bottling this up alone..haven't said a word to anyone..thank God for this space where i can vent without being judged.
Eventually come in terms, and move on. It’s very disappointing and all the trust just flies out the window. Ask yourself this, if you allow him to come back to you. Do you really think that’s love. There’s love and there’s ownership.
It’s harder if you have kids?
Oh yes😭😭😭😭i am so worried about my 5 year son old right now. The whole custody battle..i honestly don't have strength for this..
He can’t give you what you want, need, or deserve. I know you feel terrible. Do you have other people in your life who you can talk to IRL, and open up to? Friends or family members? If you do - now is the time to seek them out and ask for their help. Also, if you have a therapist, call that person. Times like this are what they’re for. If you don’t have a therapist, you might try calling your doctor or your local community services board and ask for a referral to a therapist.
Can't talk to anyone unfortunately..will definitely see a therapist..thank you!
Popin,
I am so sorry for your situation. I read your post from 5 months ago which helped me answer you. Since you’re asking for advise, I would tell you to ask him to leave. If he wont, then you should leave with your child. I don’t want to place judgement on you if you want to try to work on the marriage but if you do, you can’t work on it by yourself. If he won’t seek help with his alcoholism, his depression and the marriage, there would nothing for you to work with. In that case, it would be time for you to move on. In either case, I would suggest you get counseling for yourself.
Secondly, before you speak with him, or if you already have, set up an individual account at a bank where you don’t have a joint account with him. Withdraw money from your joint account and move it to your individual account. This way you will have a bit of money for now.
Be strong and remember, you can only control yourself, you can’t control your husband. If he doesn’t want to get counseling for himself or go to marriage counseling, you can’t force him.
Thank you..at this stage i dont want anything from him!!! Only my son😭😭😭😭
This is all solid advice. I've been the depressed alcoholic in a relationship. Never have I strayed. If he ever wants back into you or your son's life, it sounds like he needs to want to change himself...and I'm talking just to have access to your son. His destructive behavior while his wife has held this marriage together is absolutely uncalled for. It sounds like he's depressed because he wants different "lives" or probably due to the fact he's over consuming a known depressant. If he couldn't keep it together for you or your son, absolutely begin to protect all assets, tell him to leave, and consult both a lawyer and a therapist. I know the lawyer sounds like a lot but they can advise you what to do and not to do. Simple actions such as vacating the home can be seen as just that....and the home can be a debatable asset.
When I was the depressed drunk, moments like this woke me up. I didn't go out for multiple relationships, I went to a counselor and many therapists. The bottom line on drunks is seeing the destruction around them and knowing that there's only so much others can do for them before they must take action. That this is how he responded is sickening and I'm so sorry for you and your son to have to deal with this strife. I'm so sorry you have dealt with an alcoholic this long only to get this in return. Having been one (sober now), he should be so thankful someone stood by him this long.
There's a lot to do but I think in your case, it's best to separate this negativity from you and your son at the very least. Your son can be given the "vacation" or "business trip" excuse if you think your husband has redeemable odds with your son. Your issues with husband shouldn't dwelve into the kiddo's life. Hes a terrible husband so I hope he's a better father. Try to breathe your way through this one...one step and phone call at a time. It's unfair and terrible where you're at because of him, but you can do this. I truly can't express how sorry I am to read all of this. Having been a depressed alcoholic myself, all of the above is the best thing you can do for yourself, your son, and even though he doesn't matter in this in terms of best things, your husband as well. Again, I'm so sorry and I truly send blessings of strength and sympathy your way. Please take care.
I greatly appreciate your advises..u have no idea how grateful i am that i can share this on this platform.
tell him exactly what you just told us ...
Say, I've found pics/ messages in your WhatsApp, with the ladies and I need you to leave so I can have space to myself, after the harm you caused. Or if it's his house or you don't pay rent, BEFORE you even say anything have you and your child's bags packed, in the car or already at a friend's house or hotel, so as soon as you confront him you can leave because he will scream once you confront him. He will scream because he's been caught and he didn't want to be caught, you've exposed him. So now he knows he's in deep shit so everything will come crashing down, his life is fucked now he's really mad. He will lie and deny most likely, so show him the messages or screenshot them from your phone and show him. Or just be really specific and repeat whatyou read in the messages, names numbers meeting places compliments what they looked like and places, like what they were talking about.
Tell him don't text or call you when you leave.vYou need to leave because you need to recuperate and process this whole situation. You need space. You need to decide if your going to stay, divorce or spereate permanently or temporarily and for how long. Don't contact him because he might try to pressure you into staying or try to make up. Listen it's going to take him a awhile to change, so if he starts all acting nice and "changing" it's a facade he is just trying to rush you. But please get a divorce, it's too much to move pass. Be might even text, call or harass you stating you are a liar and it's not true still. Block his number and don't tell him where you or your son is. Unless he acts right towards you he doesn't get to see his son, nobody can disrespect you and expect to still see your son. Not even him.
Thank you soo much.
Don't let him see you cry, yes you have the right to be hurt but don't show it. He'll take it as a weakness. Or he'll use it against you like you need him.
Thanks so much..
My heart is broken
Disappointed with myself
Friends... 
Disappointed 
I knew all along
