I knew all along

[BabygirlCynt]

So I found out last Thursday that my husband has been cheating on me for a year now. I'd asked numerous times before but he lied and said NO. Sucks knowing the truth is confirmed but gives me motivation to get away from him that much more.

[anxiousgirl7]

I’m so sorry hun

[BabygirlCynt in reply to anxiousgirl7]

Thank you

[Strongheartforever]

Time to be loved deep down and find happiness with a man who deserves you. Also, find a man you can and will respect. I’ve learned this is KEY. Choose wisely, treat kindly, says Dr Laura Schlesinger who wrote “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” a vital book for all women. Aim high. Find a man with grit, who can get through the bad times. And be the best you you can be with him. I’m so sorry you got a dud. Chapter 2, which I’m in now too, holds so much more love and joy!!! Heal now. Find support here and at home. Surround yourself with positive people. And say ‘bye to this man. Best to you!!!

[fauxartist in reply to Strongheartforever]

I hear ya on the love part....but at a certain age, or any age....she may not want a man right away again, having a man does not complete anyone....it's certainly a more desirable place to be an independent women on your own volition, and make sure you don't need 'anyone' to depend on, only yourself. And then if love happens, great....

[Strongheartforever in reply to fauxartist]

I agree but her marriage has been dead a long time and finding love again is very healing when you’ve been denied it so long. I’m not saying it’s the answer to everything but a strong, loving relationship can heal a broken heart. Jumping in before you have resolved all the problems that led to the break-up is not something I recommend. Learn from past mistakes. Own your part in the disintegration of the relationship. Forgive, let go, and have faith in love again.

[fauxartist in reply to Strongheartforever]

agreed but who's to say it has to be a man....kittens are great too....

[BabygirlCynt in reply to fauxartist]

I 💙💙💙 my puppy

[BabygirlCynt in reply to Strongheartforever]

Zero faith in love. Doubtful will ever have any faith in another man ever again. I'm so done

[BabygirlCynt in reply to fauxartist]

Nope. Sure don't want that headache

[BabygirlCynt in reply to Strongheartforever]

Thank you. But given my circumstances another man is nowhere on my radar

[fauxartist in reply to BabygirlCynt]

having a man does not define you, having a loving partner who loves you and you love them is a very rare gift....and it's something that just kinda finds it's way into our life when and if we are ready for it. After getting out of a relationship, often many make the mistake of trying to fill the void and hurt jumping into a 'Rebound' relationship, which usually is a flash in the pan. Short lived because you did not give yourself the time to grieve the loss of your last relationship and completely let go....no ....it does not mean your grieving the loss of a cheating husband...it's about your pain...and moving on eventually. We want to remember who the person was that we fell in love with and what happened to them...don't get stuck on that broken record. Then you should think about what 'You' want in this life....what your needs are,...enjoy getting back in touch with you. I went to Jazz concerts, art shows, museums, etc....all the things I stopped doing because the person I was with didn't like that stuff. I found myself stagnating and not moving forward in my old relationship. Now I'm growing....and in a relationship after many years of being on my own....Relationships are always work, but if you have to work to hard at it...it's not meant to be. You will get past this and when you want to, if you want to....love will find a way. But you have to love you first...and foremost.

[Hidden]

I sure hope you can leave soon. What an unbearable situation! Just stay strong, realize that this is not about you (you are so beautiful!) but that it rather shows a character flaw in him. If you have children, try to keep things as normal and stable as possible and just realize that you and them are worth fighting for!

IF you are in the United States, especially:

Get any proof of the infidelity that you can-so that you can probably get more alimony. Also, you are entitled to half of the assets (no matter who paid for them.) Just protect yourself and what is rightfully yours! Think of what will happen to any pets you have together.

I know that this is a REALLY tough time for you and it has probably shaken your world and turned it upside down! Wow! I can only imagine! And what's more, you are so brave to admit these goings-on to strangers as this is very personal. I have been through a divorce (at a very young age, 20!) so I know a thing or two about all this. I hope you have family and friends that you can rely on through this difficult time. If not, and you do not have much money, there should be women's shelters in your area. I know that they are not the highest standard of living, but at least you will be provided the basics, and there will be people there for you and you can get counseling. They can help you get employment if you need it and start a wonderful new life.

I wish the very best for you my dear, and I hope I see a post from you a few months to a year from now telling us all about your exciting new life! (You CAN rebuild it, no matter how old or young you are!)

I am so proud of you!

; )

[fauxartist]

he's a coward who likes to have his cake and eat it too....typical.....have the affair going and comes home to his laundry done, dinner, shopping done....yeah....been there done that. Waited too long to get out of it....paid a huge price for it....start getting your ducks in a row, paperwork, own bank account..everything...and keep a log of everything...all goes to character in court....I'm going through it as we speak....and depending on which way the wind blows up the judges robes....if he or she is pro husband or wife....no matter what anyone says....they are biased....the only thing that they cannot dispute is proof in black and white. Get legal aid....the waiting list is long...so the sooner the better, or if you can afford one....get the most ruthless lawyer you can, who will fight hard for you and not just sit back for a check. Get an approximate quote of total costs up front....and do most of the paperwork gathering you can on your own to cut costs.

[susanjo613]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Hold your head high and know that you are loved by many. I agree with Fauxartist about getting a kitten......or even a dog.

[BabygirlCynt]

Thank you all for the encouragement and insight. Not my first divorce but definitely more painful than the first. Day by day for me right now. So much is unknown right now and finding out today that my mom is sick has really taken a toll on me. But just know that I'm trying still

[old-soul in reply to BabygirlCynt]

Prayers for all those touched by your grief, including the man on the other side of this sad experience. My only solitary prayer is for true healing of each and every soul involved.

So sorry to hear your mom is not well. My mom was one the only family member that was half way sane, and she actually stayed married to my two-timing sex addicted father up until the morning of her death.

I have been through a lot, and at least I'm okay with my ability to be honest with MYself, and have made a lot of good, though painful choices. I'm even very okay with my mistakes, because I focus on the ACTUAL needs (all want want wants aside) of others on par with my own REAL basic needs. I have not been able to afford a vacation in over 10 years, and haven't eaten in a resteraunt in well over a year, so avoiding extravagance comes easy at my income level. lol

Hang in there. Not everyone's shallow. Enjoy each moment when there's even the slightest reason to smile. You probably need to make sure you notice them right now more than ever. I know that those were very helpful words a good friend offered me a few years ago. In fact, there were plenty of days those words were the only key I had to get through several of my hardest days.

Breathe.

Often.

It's actually been proven to really have lots of health benefits, such as oxygen, and stuff.

Hope I made you smile, if only a little.

[fauxartist in reply to BabygirlCynt]

I'm so sorry for your mom being sick and this happening with your husband too. It just seems sometimes things come at us in waves. I hope things work out okay for your mom, and don't worry about him....just keep one eye on what he's up to ... keep your security in tact the best you can....it's what will get you through all of it.....

[old-soul]

I got the same treatment from three women in my life. The first I was with 14 years, the second for 9, and the last it was apparently going on before, during and after the two years we were together.

I get calls from debt collectors looking for the last two still to this day, and I've been single for years. It's not just men who behave poorly. I have actual evidence.

Anyone that has any value for monogomy and healthy intimacy within a committed mutually exclusive relationship can see that plainly regardless of gender OR orientation that women are just as frequently as guilty as men.

I have friends who are gay men and women who have been single and celibate for years because they have not found a love that has the ability to be faithful. They too find the lack of moral where sexuality is concerned quite as disturbing as I do. Now people are calling it, "demisexual" when it used to just be called "monogamous."

Not all people find, "It's complicated," fun and exciting, and "who cares about any children that would be feeling a huge shock if there are any, you just need the PERFECT MAN," as good "advice."

I actually found the "new man" idea extremely reckless to the point of, "you can't be serious." I sure am relieved the original poster rejected that plan, with OR WITHOUT children.

God help the children of this world.

[fauxartist]

yep....I hear ya on that one old-soul....it's a two way street....women are cheaters too. I never was....but was on the other end of being cheated on. Again it's them liking to have their cake and eat it too.... I just never did fool around when in a relationship. I had too much respect for myself and the relationship. I always said to my ex- and current...if you find your no longer into the relationship....have enough decency and respect for both of us to say so before you carry on with someone else....and Adios...Viya con Dios.....

[old-soul in reply to fauxartist]

In the two longer relationships that ended, they refused to even sleep in the same room with me for a VERY long period at the end, and when I didn't cheat so that they could be the victim, they got mad and started slitting around like someone flipped a switch.

Most men WILL eventually cheat if he is given no physical intimacy for periods of weeks and months at a time on a very regular basis. It's such a known fact that even the bible makes reference to it saying very plainly that, though It's a sin on a man's part to hurt his family, a woman who will withhold herself from him, even in times of strife also needs to look squarely at her part in it, and That's not a book that really supports cheating on one's husband or wife. It's called adultry, and it's actually said that indulging one's self in fantasies is a slippery slope. Gee, ya think?

As a rule, men are quite a lot more devoid of any genuine affection outside of their home and family, so it is especially hard if they are not only "cut off in the bedroom," but also have a spouse turning the children against him and causing that only other source of love in the home to be withheld, too. I saw it harm three people I loved. I was one of them. The man. There was a woman and a daughter too.

Men, as a general rule, simply do not touch one another in a soothing way unless they are also actually attracted to one another physically. In some circles, men who are entirely heterosexual are more inclined to give one another an actual two arm hug, but it's still not the same as a wife (or significant other) caressing a shoulder as she passes, or a kid grabbing you by the face and smooshing your cheeks different was just because they can, and sometimes they're bored with toys and just want to look at You and smooth your face while they think about what they want to do next.

You know . . . home.

Some times, there may be a man I can really talk to, you know, because it has to be a man for some conversations, and we don't like it, and if asked about it we will both deny it ever happened. If it's a real friend and a tough deal, one guy, me or the other, may cry, maybe ever hard, but I swear to God if I'm all tore down and crying even, and that other guy starts crying too, I'm gonna walk away for a bit, because that's how men are. We ain't gonna have two men in the same place, CRYING TOGETHER, OKAY? HELL NO! lol (But really, no.)

~~~ A piece of my own experince with "broken home, as a dad":

When "Miss 9 year relationship" started getting restless and also disinterested in me, our daughter also started REALLY violently attacking her mom. Spitting, scratching, kicking, punching, throwing heavy toys as hard as possible at the doors, walls, and even threatening to throw them at her mom while jeering, taunting and threattening her.

The last straw was when the biting she had trouble with in daycare before mom and I had made a full commitment to living as family, came back and she started biting her mom REALLY HARD. That's when I put my foot down and had our daughter's medical staff and doctor explain some things to my now ex, because she would not listen to me regarding some basic facts about how children respond if they are allowed to dominate either parent. (It makes them fearful, because if one or both of the parents can be manipulated by the child, it makes the child feel scared because those patents are the one's who are supposed to PROTECT THEM.

My daughter was 3 and 4 at that juncture it took about a year of my ex undermining my repremands of our daughter for being disrespectful or downright nasty before it reached the biting coming back. The fist time she not her mom was not as bad, but bad enough. The second time scared me. She not only bit her more than once in their physical altercation as the ex INSISTED on being the one to restrain and calm her, the last bite was REALLY hard, and the ex was REALLY loosing control.

My ex was chisseling me SO HARD with the, "you're always too hard on her and That's why she talks to you like a P.O.S." line, about which I disagreed, that the "rule" according to my ex had come to, I was only to discuss how my daughter talked to or treated JUST ME, and eventually that was turning into arguments with my ex every time I spoke to our daughter about her tone toward me, or her arguing with me about every single thing.

My daughter was lashing out at my ex because, our in-ability to place and maintain reasonable rules with a child as two adults had caused that said-same child to feel unsafe, and she got angry at the one who was trying to run the whole show. Her mother. Soon we did the whole family/couples counseling thing, because again, she would not listen to me unless I had a professional also let her knkw that yes, this is in fact the way to approach parenting.

I have strong reason to suspect that there were also at least 3 periods of her being unfaithful after discovering a friend or two she'd made were also into the whole "local group sex" scene. Ah, okay. That COULD be a clue. Sometimes people will start schiznit to create a chaotic distraction so they can do other dirt. I guess I don't always spot it because I don't spend much time at that sort of speculation.

Two years later she suddenly attacked her aunt. (My ex's sister) If you've gotten this far, you probably will be okay with my observations of the sister, because I am using general terms, and will not be recounting specific details of this woman's behavior. None the less, do know this was a very toxic and twisted piece of work. Read on if your not inclined to feel you can't handle truth.

It turned out "aunt" who was "rescued from bad living conditions" in another state, WAS actually making bad choices, like doing everything she was told in letters from her biggest heart-throb, the woman doing her time on death row for multiple murder convictions. They met when the sister was on the same forensic psych unit (Violent, crimial, psychotic and or sociopathic psychology) and, "Always stayed in touch with her friend by mail and/or phone after that."

The ex's sister was also still in and out of psych arrests on a regular basis for deep cutting, deep burns and threats of suicide. That part and a sob story was actually all I was made aware of. I was told it had been over a year since she had to be hospitalized, but that was in jeopardy because the house she was living in haf been condemned, but instead of moving she was living there rent-free with two friends who had ZERO income, but with the water, electricity and gas turned off . . . in the winter.

Yeah, well, I found out a few years later, she was spending every last penny sending money into commissary accounts, and sending all sorts of catalogue orders from places like Finger Hut and stuff like that to, "all of pimp death row mama's baby girl letter lovers." Instead of saving the agreed upon as a condition of her moving here and staying with us for 3 months. She was saving $600/mo while she stayed with ZERO food, shelter, electric, propane, water or any other household expense asked of her, and after 3 months she'd have $1,800 for first, last and security.

Hmmm . . . 10 months later I got her out, and only because I did all the work to get her free rent for a month, and vouchers, and Section 8 housing subsidy, and GTFO! WTF?

When the aunt was baby sitting for us for 2-1/2 hours, police came and FOUND US to pick our daughter up. My then 6 year old daughter beat that 41 year old full grown woman up, and slammed doors and screamed so loud every one of the 7 neigbors closest to her called the police at the same time, and for the first time, boom. Just like a switch had been flipped on, again.

I have no legal right to see my daughter, and have not seen her since my ex moved in with her sister, just as sister wanted whether I choose to be living with the three of them or not. Oh, nice, the psych patent wants to turn my family home into a psych ward, and at a new location.

I am not my daughter's biological dad. He died when she was just starting her 2nd trimester of her life in the womb. She was 9 when mom decided to up and dash out into the night because of a "terrible fight" that was so poorly, haphazardly, and completely staged.

The sister came to visit, and the fight was completely faked, "with her as a witness." My ex just started screaming at me because I'd said, "I hope you listened to (our daughter) when she admitted she was playing us against one another earlier." That was when my ex jumped up and started screaming, "Your always starting fights! Your always starting fights!" over and over.

She kept that up, and also started crazy-talking and saying, "It's just too stressful. I don't know what to do!" and crap like that. By this time I was just pleading with her desperately to take a few deep breaths and listen to me, and that I didn't want to fight, but she needed to stop shrieking."

Once she got the pot fully stirred, she signaled her sister to call 911, saying I had started a huge fight and they were scared of me. I was like, "You're WHAT?" I knew right then and there I had been COMPLETELY played. Both responding officers did too. Both a man and a woman responded to the call and after my ex and sister had made their big ever to use my mom's car to "go running to safety," both cops said, "It's obvious they are both lying. We questioned them both s eperately and things they are saying were happening just 5 minutes before we arrived are completely inconsistent 9 ways from 10. The stories SORT OF mach, but when we switched from one and asked the other stuff about what the first one had said the stories didn't match at all."

It was not the first time she left me holding the bag with all the bills, and sure enough, a week later she said she wanted to, "be in a monogamous relationship to one another, but live seperately," for the 3rd time in 9 years together. Yeah, she didn't really like my answer, which was, "I wish you the best of luck. When can (my daughter) visit?

My ex had a lifetime insurance annuity from a wrongful death lawsuit that came from the death of her mother. Within 3 months creditors were calling my home number looking for the aunt. 1 year later, they were calling looking for my ex too, and I know what they were calling about, and that It's not small potatoes either.

My ex got stripped of that insurance money by the Nigerian "Yahoo Boys." I'm certain of it.

If you think I'm not sick to death knowing she's dragging my daughter state to state running from problems she creates and praying my daughter is okay, then you're so sadly mistaken. My daughter will be 14 soon. I have not had a conversation with her in two years, and only saw her in passing a couple times before her mom skipped town with her for a state "well over 1,000 miles away," as the first move across country and back.

Yup. Divorce usually happens due to either fights about #1- how to raise the children, #2- Money.

In either case, sometimes woman DO actually turn frigid and hold out on their husbands, actually just sort of going through the motions in every other aspect and saying things like, "No, I'm fine, I just can't feel close to you when we're fighting," when in reality they're trying to use denial of intimacy as a bargaining tool to get what the want.

There are women that DO pull that crap. I know, big news flash, right? As far as I'm concerned, a woman that only has sex with her husband a hand full of times a year should have not been such a selfish and self serving "partnership," whether he left her before having sex or not. Hell, she should have to pay for the motel room and the other woman's perfume as well, because that's plain "being cold-hearted to YOUR MAN" in the first place.

Homemaker lives on man's wages, and can't even sleep next to him, much less give him any love. Yeah, that's gonna work. Heh.

[Hidden]

Hey BabygirlCynt, just wanted to send an update and let you know that I just found out the same as you yesterday. It was such a shock! I really always thought of him as a good man! (and above this!) And I gave him a chance to fess up but he LIED about her texting and then LIED about him calling her. (Even though his phone clearly showed both) It's like, does he really think I'm that stupid? Like for real!

I really wish you the best and just wanna let you know Im here.

Diviny (Aka Ayla) ; )

[BabygirlCynt in reply to Hidden]

Wow. So sorry you are dealing with this horrible issue. I'm here for you as well. I pray you find peace and happiness whatever you decide

[Hidden in reply to BabygirlCynt]

Thank you BabygirlCynt!! ; )

[pink83737]

Im so sorry. You deserve so much better!! Hang in there girl, we are all here for you #girlpower

[BabygirlCynt]

Just an update. Still staying out all night. But now everything that ever went wrong with the marriage is all my fault. In addition to that, he's trying to turn my children against me and also making up lies saying things that the kids said bad about me. Which of course it's all lies. I so tired of it all. To top it off. He tells me the only reason he's kept me around is so he didn't have to pay child support.........