Hello everyone,
I will try to sum everything up to better help you understand what has contributed to my current situation. 1 year ago I experienced my second miscarriage. I was then diagnosed with hashimotos hypothyroidism. My levels were never normal over an 8 month period. I was on Levothyroxine and the dose was always changing. I never experienced therapeutic relief and experienced horrible side effects like hair loss, tremor, anxiety, palpitations, slurred speech and BRAIN FOG.
During this time I tried sertraline 50 mg to ease my grief and panic. Well... it did NOT work for me. In fact my response to this med was terrifying. (which was odd b/c I had previously been on it before I miscarried). I stayed on it for 8 weeks (the "supposed" time frame for it to start working) suffering with racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, fear, feeling depersonalized and just very ill. I stopped when I started to feel suicidal. weaned off of it. I had to drop some of my nursing classes at this point. Still remained on Levothyroxine. I stayed on Levo til this past January. Feeling worse than ever and dealing with an Endo doc that didn't listen to me and my side effects... I gave up...(hoping it was postpartum thyroiditis and would just resolve on its own)....found a new pcp who said we will wait to see what my labs are without the levo after some time passes. then she gave me another ssri and hydroxyzine. It took me 2 weeks to get the courage to take the ssri. I tried it (citalopram 5mg) for 5 days recently ... but same old adverse effects were beginning so I saved my self the time and torture with the understanding SSR'Is arent for me.
Here I am now. I wake up with anxiety. my stomach and chest are turning. My heart pounds. I am nauseous. i cant eat. I've lost 10 lbs in the last month. I force my self to get up, shower and go to work. I'm terrified to be alone. Sounds startle me. I'm constantly on edge. I still have some mild racing/intrusive thoughts. I obsessively search for answers on the internet. Sometimes i feel like I'm dying. Is it me? is it the antidepressant that messed me up? is it my thyroid? I started taking hydroxyzine and it barely helps me get through. but for now it is the only thing that works. I have been in talk therapy since December. I've begun doing yoga and exercising as well. I don't return to nursing school til May. I don't do drugs, I no longer tolerate coffee or alcohol.
I'm terrified of meds. I don't trust Dr's anymore...and I'm popping hydroxyzine 25mg 3x a day to survive and still feel anxiety. I have full blown panic when I don't take it. In 1 month from now I'm seeing a holistic Dr. for a full lab panel that'll check my hormones, adrenals, thyroid etc.
What do you guys think is going on here???? I've never been so scared to the point of wanting to go to the ER weekly. I feel like it is over for me and this is how it will be forever 
Beginner on Zoloft 25mg- Help
OCD Advice Needed 
Interested in hearing how your intrusive thoughts started and what meds you take. Would be helpful.
Downward spiral 
Acceptance is the key to recovery
