I am trying but Wow I just can’t you guys I can’t do any better my brain won’t relax

[Starrlight]

You guys I know... I’m trying my very best. I’m doing all I can. Everything is in place. So I sit and be. I know. But it hurts. I feel like I’m dissolving into the ground. Im barely making it. Brain won’t relax. Thinking of what if or I should in case.

I went off benzos a week ago. I’m still very screwed up feeling from withdrawal. Or maybe this kind of how it will feel without,... well then...

My youngest, 9, is going through hell in 4th grade. I recall going through hell in forth too. Omg. Well. The orientation for starting him in therapy is tomorrow and I’m keeping him off of virtual school ... you guys ... he gets so overwhelmed like me ... but he also gets very angry along with the frustration of hating school and he has a long way to go ... I try to find fun parts of school with him but he doesn’t see it that way. I try to validate how he is feeling. You feel how you feel. I understand the best I can. And I’m a lot like him. But I’m not able to know exactly what to do to help. I thought he needed me to back off some so I helped less and it seemed to work great but now I find he has a ton of stuff he hasn’t done in school which brings him more stress. So I have to kind of move in again. And then I get too involved maybe and I do myself in with stress so bad I am in a place that I feel like I am loosing my mind in.

I know none of this will last. I know is my son is resilient. I am resilient. I have to believe in better days, sun snd breeze on my face. Help. I need help. I can’t do all that I feel I need to do so my list of what I need to do needs chopping.

I called my therapist today and left messages but she never called back.

I’m going to watch a movie called Cake. It’s about someone who Jennifer Aniston plays who is in pain. I think seeing pain will help me deal with my own. I’m in a lot of discomfort as I try to call it and I try not to get to suffering because we can have a discomfort but we make it into suffering ourselves. I’m afraid that my sons teacher piling on the work and he not doing well emotionally/ mentally while in school ( he does awesome when the computer for school is turned off ; he is his sweet funny awesome amazing self) and just how I’m perceiving a things right now because of going off meds is nudging me to a breaking point.

My body is trying to tell me to rest I think too, and I won’t or the anxiety won’t listen. I can barely eat thank God I started sleeping most nights again recently. But I’m still a mess. But you know sometimes life does get us messy.

[Blueruth]

That is a really good movie. Have you practiced breathing? Pranayama is a very focused set of breathing exercises where you can do it all or take what you need. I even practice ujjiya when I’m in line at the grocery store. Nobody can tell. onemedical.com/blog/healthy...

[c-mac in reply to Blueruth]

I was thinking about breathing exercises, too. I do this one exercise that takes like 18 minutes, and when I'm done all the anxiety disappears -- my voice actually gets lower because I keep my stress in my voice among other places.

I'm sorry it's hard right now. And everything can be going right, but if something's not right for your kid then it seems the whole world is wrong.

I guess we have to be careful we don't project our stress onto their situation, though. I do that. In fact, probably 50% of the correcting I do to my kid probably comes from correction I need, and not her. I'm not saying that's happening to you, but it's just the kind of thing I can do.

Your kid is lucky to have someone so in tune with him. In the long run, that's what matters most.

[Starrlight in reply to c-mac]

Thank you so much for sharing that. Yes our kids are the world. So when they are struggling nothing else matters.

It’s true, I try too like you do, not to rub my stresses onto them but it sometimes gets rubbed. Ugh.

I’m glad breathing helps you too. I love it. I will try to keep up with breathing each day whenever I need to retreat to it. Sometimes it’s hard to calm down enough to get into the breathing so maybe I will do it before I get to that point.

[Blueruth in reply to c-mac]

18 minutes makes me stressed! Like I’m watching the clock. You could actually practice with your kid. Pick a simple one and just a minute or two. what better teaching tool is there then something to make you resilient? I am not a parent but the most adaptive children I know have parents that don’t hide their emotions but rather develop ways to help themselves (like breathing). Kids sense when you are stressed.

[Starrlight in reply to Blueruth]

Whooooaaah thank you Blueruth !!! That worked amazingly well! I went to you tube -Pranayama practice 5 deep breathing you should do daily 15 minutes Bhakti yoga- it made me yawn a lot bringing such a relaxing feeling.

[Blueruth in reply to Starrlight]

I’m so glad to help it is something you can practice anytime, anywhere. Such a great tool!

[propjock]

You are an experienced dragon fighter, Starrlight . I hope a lot of it is your brain grieving the benzos, and the current situation. Both will get better. I think your son has a caring, skilled mom, too. I couldn’t keep me a secret from my little girl, but what I could do was reassure her that I was “sad and scared for no reason” and that it was absolutely, in no way her fault. “When going through Hell, keep going.” —Winston Churchill

[Starrlight in reply to propjock]

Dragon fighter eh? Aww I like. Both will get better yes I hope so. Yes we must keep going through the fear through the toughest of obstacles until we reach the clearing to rest. Thanks for being here for me.

[Nothing_but_books]

This may be off the wall, but could seasonal depression be contributing? SAD? I always get worse around this time of year. I never tried a SAD light. I suppose I should.

[Starrlight in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Yes! SAD could be contributing. I am using a special glow lamp thingamigiggy.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Starrlight]

Sorry, I must correct your vocabulary here. The correct terminology for that thing I'm pointing at, ya, that thing! will ya just look where I'm looking... Is "bongo".

Next time you'll know. 🙄

[Starrlight in reply to Nothing_but_books]

😆

[Kam360 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Hi Sweetie, it's not off the wall at all...SAD is well known to lower mood during the darker days, out of curiosity....does anyone know if a light box really works??❤️

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Kam360]

I started a new post to ask. One "yes" so far.

[Puzzled57]

Starrlight,I can’t imagine what this withdrawal is like for you. Do you have anyone that can come be with you from time to time? You are a loving and caring mom. Your little one is going to be fine. I think you were right about chopping tasks into small pieces. Please find that time to calm you if possible. I am praying and rooting for you to find your way through this. Much love to you!!!

[Starrlight in reply to Puzzled57]

Oh wow thank you so! Seriously I am taking your calming words that my son will be fine and I am a loving and caring mom and bringing it into my day.

I’m hoping to talk to my therapist today. We have an therapy orientation at 4:45 -7:00 and back to school night 6:45-7:00 trying to do both. Ugh and he has homework but not due until Friday.

My mind is racing but I am about to try the breathing exercises that Blueruth helped me find. Have a beautiful day.

[Puzzled57 in reply to Starrlight]

Take care of you first so you can take care of them. I hope your therapy appointment goes well!! You still have a few days for the homework thank goodness so remember - break it into doable chunks! Breathe my friend!! ❤️

[Starrlight in reply to Puzzled57]

Yes chunks. Just took my shower and drinking calming tea. I really need it,... much is triggering me right now. When I was reading you I was not breathing well; holding breath a bit...thanks for reminder. The therapy orientation is for my son and yes I am trying to get my therapist to talk with me as well. Hope you are well. Have a beautiful day!

[SplashDown]

Starrlight, do you have any extra money that you could put into getting a vaccinated tutor with mask on to come to your home 1 time/week to help your son with homework? Do you have a spouse or relative, friend or neighbor who could try to do this 1 time/week? I used to tutor and teach a lot of struggling students and often just that little extra boost at home helped them so much. I would NOT suggest taking him to a tutoring center as it will just cause him more anxiety and be needless exposure during COVID. If you are able, please try to connect with his teacher on a weekly basis. Some teachers work well with parents; others don't. Prime directive is minimizing your own stress, though. Sending love and light.

[Starrlight in reply to SplashDown]

Thank you much for the kind thought but I would feel better and it would just be easier if I did it with him. I went through his course folders last night and it’s really doable. We just have to focus and stay on track doing one little task at a time and bam we’ve got it.

[Mrspjsmom]

I read this and related to so much of it. Especially you and your son. I often try too hard and it makes things worse. Then I back off and that doesn't work either. I wish I had some helpful words for you but I haven't figured it out myself. Please know you're not alone. Always here for you. HUGS!

[Starrlight in reply to Mrspjsmom]

Stove for Balance right?! I know it’s tough and all we can do is try our best. Thanks for being here with me. Best to you. What grade is your son? in?

[Mrspjsmom in reply to Starrlight]

My son is grown but he struggled through school with a learning disability. He needed extra help and we also got him a tutor. I tried to help but we would end up screaming at each other. But he graduated high school with honors and got an AAS degree. I remember many times I didn't know what to do but in the end it all turned out.

[Starrlight in reply to Mrspjsmom]

Awesome! Thank you! It all worked out! That’s sooooo encouraging