Hi everyone, I’m a 40-year-old female. Since I was 28 I have been on 5 to 6 different antidepressants. I have gone to psychotherapy, psychiatrists, self medicated and I’m at the point now where I feel like nothing will work. When I read about depression symptoms, I often see “ loss of interest in hobbies or whatever...My point is, everything I read and everything I have experienced seems to be geared towards someone who has what they call episodes of depression. I’ve never had a depressive “episode” I cannot remember anything I have enjoyed ever. There is no “getting back to normal”, or “getting back to the life you once lived”.... because I’ve never had anything to get back to you. What I have to go back to is a really messed up kid with undiagnosed ADHD... Who then began trying to self medicate in anyway possible.
I feel so desperate do you just say everything out loud. I’m so scared, though. I feel like if I told anybody the entire truth, I would not have the motivation or energy to follow through with any kind of treatment. I can’t get off the sofa. I cannot leave my house. I have no motivation and everything revolves around how I feel. I neglect household chores and family and have lost so many friends because just picking up the phone to call (or even text) someone seems absolutely impossible.
Please don’t be alarmed at this post. If I had the proper state of mind to do so, I would’ve found the proper topic and just posted something there. But my brain just feels like it is spinning. I’m not going to hurt myself. Although I do wonder if it is normal to have in mind a pretty exact and well thought out idea if I were to want to end things – which is not going to happen. I am really sorry, I have ADHD, depression, anxiety, and now what is being called substance use disorder by my doctor. I’m OK. I just need to know if anybody else totally would rather like hit their toe with a hammer than go to the mall with their children, would rather vomit violently for two days rather than going to get a haircut just because the motivation and energy are absolutely absent. And cannot imagine leaving the house
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Casewest20
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You're not alone, I can relate. The idea of an "episode" of depression and anxiety is completely confusing to me. It's not an episode if it's been that way as long as you can remember. I fight it every.single.day. and I have been for pretty much my entire life.
Thank you so much. I wish so much that what I posted was all there is to it but there’s so much more. I just can’t fathom the repercussions of telling somebody I really know. Like my husband is on his way home from work and for the first time in two months, he has Said he wants to go out to dinner. I told him I was very excited, he said to be ready at 4:30. That was at 12 noon and I am already trying to figure out excuses not to go. There’s really something wrong with me
Wow yea I understand. I wish I could just come over and give you a hug knowing you understand and I understand. I know how bad it is. It's so hard with these symptoms in the world. You can't just show people your pain and they would just know like a broken arm or leg and they would just understand. That's a very lonely part that makes us feel even more lonely with our problem. I'm going through the same thing. It is so incomprehensible to most people around us that it leaves us with little hope of finding relief. It's so dark and scary that you would do anything to get out. I can't feel joy and I don't do anything because of it. I don't know what it's like to laugh really hard with a friend. I can't feel excitement at all. I tell my new psychiatrist and he just ways to hurry and write a new prescription. Again I go home with no hope. No hope for someone understanding. The struggle just continues every single day. It hurts and I ask myself how can I only feel pain. Why ?
Keko, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to your beautiful and supportive comment😍. I would like to give you a hug also. I was just posting with another member that one thing I find so great about this forum, even though I’m brand new, is that no matter what our individual experiences and opinions may be, it seems that we all understand deep down is how awful it feels NOT to be understood...and all alone.
Today I’m having a fairly good day, compared to most. (OK, this is soo scary to admit...) BUT I am becoming more aware of the fact that whatever frame of mind I am in (good or bad) is meaningless and isn’t a reliable, real reflection of who I am...just a chemically induced result of whatever medications I’ve taken. I feel I am nothing. Everything is based on nothing more then an emotional reaction to any random event or stimuli.
I’m sorry this is so long, I just have a very hard time finding the right words to explain what I’m trying to say.
And honestly, I’m not quite sure where this all came from or how it applies to what we were talking about. I’m sorry for rambling.
Thank you and everyone else for being so patient with me. Honestly, this crap just came out. Originally I wrote WAY more than this, but (luckily😂) decided against posting most of it.
OK so right this second I’m hesitating about putting this out there at all. I’m tempted just to delete it. I feel embarrassed and insecure and completely vulnerable and raw.
I realize that none of what I said is of any benefit to anyone. But I’m going to put this out there because I think that if I get on here and bullshit, there’s no point in being here. I want to be honest. Again, even being honest with myself in small doses is difficult. I know this seems like a whiny, relatively insignificant rant...but for some reason I just have this feeling that if I delete all this, I may regret it. I thank you all so much for your support and again, patience.
Ok, I've been in a place to where I don't want to do anything because of depression. What I've learnt over time is that every little thing that's a positive contributes to the healing of our brain, even though it may be the last thing we want to do .I would suggest dressing up a little, do your hair ..... and bring out your beauty. Are you able to tell your hubby that you're not feeling great and Thankyou for taking me out and could you please show me lots of love and care because I want us to enjoy this date and don't want it to be spoiled, and then allow him to spoil you. Ask him to choose your meal if you're not up to it and pull out your chair for you ....... and some flowers would be lovely ( lol, maybe pushing it ) . You deserve to be loved, spoilt , cared for ....... you are beautiful and your husband loves you. P.s this is not your fault and there's nothing wrong with you !!!!! Somewhere along the way you've been damaged and are depressed. All of this is just a suggestion, just trying to help because I had serious depression for years and it was awful and want to help .Love to you 🌈🍗🍱🍰mmmm😜😆❤️😘
I don’t have depression but I feel the same about my anxiety ! I don’t know how it is to live without it. I am gonna be 45 this year and I can’t remember life without some sort of anxiety ! Things got really bad 20 years ago so it seems like a lifetime for me .
Mumma_h Hi!! We did go out to dinner. Parts of the evening were really really nice😍. By the end of the evening though, I’d Had a little too much to drink and got kind of emotional. My husband is so wonderful. And I said for the first time in months, he asked me to go to dinner with him, I should have included the fact that it’s not like he ignores me or anything, he just sees what a struggle it is for me to leave the house. So he doesn’t try to push me and definitely takes on a role of caretaker. He is such a strong person such a hard worker. I’m not going to get into the guilt I feel over the pain I have put him through right now. I just wanted to thank you so very much for your care and reassurance, understanding, and time. The fact that you replied to me means the world. I think you were one of the first people to respond, and, I was going to say you have no idea what that meant to me, but I’m sure you do know. You are truly a good person and so much value.
Wow, these replies are above and beyond any/all expectations or ideas I had about posting online about this type of thing. I’d like to reply to all of you personally and individually, and I DEFINITELY plan on doing that as soon as I can....Thank you all for your understanding and thank you for helping me to realize I’m not alone. This is The first Time I’ve been able to share a little bit of how I feel. I feel very safe and welcome, I really want you all to know how much this means to me. I think somebody asked if I went out to dinner – yes I did😊. I’ll talk to you all soon❤️
Mumma_h Hi!! We did go out to dinner. Parts of the evening were really really nice😍. By the end of the evening though, I’d Had a little too much to drink and got kind of emotional. My husband is so wonderful. And I said for the first time in months, he asked me to go to dinner with him, I should have included the fact that it’s not like he ignores me or anything, he just sees what a struggle it is for me to leave the house. So he doesn’t try to push me and definitely takes on a role of caretaker. He is such a strong person such a hard worker. I’m not going to get into the guilt I feel over the pain I have put him through right now. I just wanted to thank you so very much for your care and reassurance, understanding, and time. The fact that you replied to me means the world. I think you were one of the first people to respond, and, I was going to say you have no idea what that meant to me, but I’m sure you do know. You are truly a good person and so much value.
If anybody is still reading this, I just want all of you to know that I am reaching out to each of you individually as I am able to. I know you don’t expect that, but it is something I really want to do please know you always have helped me so much already
If anybody is still reading this, I just want all of you to know that I am reaching out to each of you individually as I am able to. I know you don’t expect that, but it is something I really want to do please know you always have helped me so much already
I’m a 22 year old female and I totally get it. My anxiety makes it really hard for me to leave the house, my depression makes it so I don’t care about taking care of myself or anything. I’m supposed to go to an outpatient group therapy program tomorrow and I wish I had an excuse not to go just because I’m scared I won’t find parking in time when I get there. It’s a lot to have depression and anxiety limit your mobility and your function. I hope it gets better for you. I feel your pain. ❤️
Just wanted to tell you thank you for the reply, and as soon as I can I’m going to respond back❤️
Anti depressants made me feel like this and so did anti psychotics, that's the only time I ever lacked all motivation and didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I wish you well
I’m so glad you Were able to identify the fact that medication was causing more problems. I think sometimes it’s hard to discern between what’s already there and what’s been made worse by meds. I have a complicated relationship with meds, sounds like you do too. Thank you so much for your support and suggestions
I'm no longer taking meds, they are what caused my anxiety to turn into depression, meds aren't for everyone, I wish you all the best and I hope you find what works for you x
Do you know what I think is so cool about this place (this forum) is the fact that from what I’ve seen so far, it seems that we really are here because we understand what it’s like living with issues like depression, anxiety, eating disorders, PTSD, etc.... One day an individual may be desperate for help and support, but another day that same person may be a major source of comfort to someone else in need. I also love that we can share honestly with each other our experiences and opinions...without judgement or nastiness. I mean, I have really enjoyed/been interested in your experiences with meds and what you’ve had to say. I take so many🙄... Anyway, I like the feeling I get hearing different points of view, and think it’s a pretty special thing that it doesn’t seem as though most people take differing opinions/experiences from others as attacks....rather, we can look at peoples experiences as new ways to consider thinking of things. Oh my gosh I’m sure I made it way too complicated. I’m really good at over complicating really simple things😂😂
I think there is a wealth of information and us all helping each other is defiantly a good thing, we all have our own views and experiences which is what makes us help each other and understand each other. Imagine ofnthe world was a great place as is this forum
Right, I agree with everything here. I think that kind of no matter what issues we are all dealing with individually, one thing that every single one of us understands what it’s like to not be understood. I think that’s a pretty awesome foundation. Thank you for talking with me I’ve really enjoyed the conversation
I’m so glad you Were able to identify the fact that medication was causing more problems. I think sometimes it’s hard to discern between what’s already there and what’s been made worse by meds. I have a complicated relationship with meds, sounds like you do too. Thank you so much for your support and suggestions
I can relate. I’ve had “episodes” of happiness and sanity in my life. Now things have been going downhill in my life for 6 years, and I’m wondering if I’ll ever feel good again.
I need help. I just moved, but luckily I’ve lived here before and I had a doctor I liked. I’m going to call Monday and try to get an appointment.
OMG, EXACTLY!!! And my episodes of happiness have almost always been based on having some sort of substance in my system, so any happiness seems false.
I understand, I feel that the older I get the more things deteriorate sometimes. Like I always was sort of a homebody to begin with. Over the last several years though, it’s gotten to the point where I almost never leave the house. That kind of thing.
Kat, I honestly think you are heading in the right direction. I am so so so glad that you have a doctor that you like and even happier that you plan on calling Monday😊😊
I absolutely relate. At times I feel like I am just totally useless and bad and lazy and cowardly and pitiful, Worrisome, a burden.... I think we know we could go on and on.
NOT TRUE THOUGH. Someone posted something about positive/negative self talk recently. Maybe check that out if you feel like it?
I am here, and you don’t have to thank me. And I don’t think you’re crazy or bad at all. Depression can be all consuming and affects every part of our lives sometimes. It is not your fault.
I just noticed that when I post replies, the duplicate. That went on for a while but start. Happening again though LOL. Deleted one of them, hope it didn’t delete the other one with it
It’s hard to remember there are good things about me. In addition to everything else, I lost my job about 9 weeks ago, and I’m looking for a job. Luckily, I have an interview on Monday afternoon.
But right at this moment, I feel terrible. Both physically and emotionally.
I understand Kat. It’s almost like when you see/hear about celebrities or whatever dealing with depression/anxiety.... it has nothing to do with our circumstances necessarily, and no amount of money/financial security etc. can fix things.
I’m so glad that you are getting all of this off your chest. And I hope when I tell you I can relate, you don’t take it as discouraging. Also I want to reiterate, although I definitely definitely know exactly how you feel right now- you are not horrible or bad. I know it’s really hard for me to snap out of it when I get in this frame of mind, and I seriously don’t expect for this to lift any of the weight off your shoulders. But listen, that is OK. Feeling horrible sucks ass. Please remember that it is not who you are though, and it will pass. It has before right? Like maybe try and think about times when you have felt just as badly as you do now (I don’t mean ruminate)...Then remember the fact that things did get better...Definitely ups and downs, I’m sure. But you won’t feel this badly always. I know when I am in the midst of it it seems like it will never end. I think you’re doing all the right things by going to the doctor, being proactive etc.
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