New, college student

[Akowa]

Hi all,

I’m (24M) very behind on personal responsibility and maturity; honestly, I’m about as self-sufficient as a 10-year old. My parents who I live with take care of practically everything for me, and even though I’m a high-achieving student who has many diverse experiences under my belt, I feel directionless and very hesitant to go outside my comfort zone and gain independence. I have a number of supportive friends and mentors (and am with a therapist who is awesome) but I feel very alone and isolated in my way of thinking. I don’t trust anyone, and my anxiety and depression make it worse (although I suspect I’m just using them as excuses). My impulse control is shot and I have a tremendously hard time setting plans, let alone executing them. I realize how much of a spoiled, self-entitled, lazy brat I can be, and yet, I have no energy or motivation to become better, even though I tell myself that I have an obligation to be a better person. It’s a horrible feeling. Oh, and I procrastinate on everything. I hate talking about myself and my life normally because I don’t want to burden people with my negativity (I guess that’s my toxic positivity talking), but I wanted to get this out there. I’m sorry if I brought down anyone’s mood. But if you have any helpful words to say, I would appreciate them.

[hypercat54]

You parents are not doing you any favours stopping you being able to be independent. They may think they are being kind but its not - its cruel.

I wonder if they want to keep you a child and at home for some reason? Have a think about it.

Maybe they are lining you up to be their main carer in the future so you can look after them.

Not saying they are not well intentioned but they are not helpful to you are they. Keeping you dependent on them like this.

A wise parent encourages their children to become independent as that is part of their role and they understand this.

Give your kids the tools to fly away and they will return. If you don't then they risk losing them altogether.

You need to find a way to cut the apron strings and become your own person otherwise you never will. Its good you are having therapy so hopefully this will help you.

[Akowa in reply to hypercat54]

Hi hypercat54,

Thank you for your message, it’s given me a lot to think about.

[hypercat54 in reply to Akowa]

You are more than welcome Akowa.

I hope its a lot to think about in a helpful way.

[GinkgoLeaf]

Thanks for sharing and I’m sorry you are suffering. Lots of negative self talk in your post. There’s a great book called Self Compassion by Kristin Neff where she provides some great tools for how to improve self talk. She also has some quick tools on her website that are really helpful. Lastly, I also struggle with getting out and facing my anxiety/trying new things. Right now I’m trying to face one fear a day. I find something, give myself an “exit strategy”, and see how it goes. It’s amazed me how much this has helped, but I’ve also had to learn to be kind to myself on this journey. So two learnings in one. Best of luck on your journey!

[Akowa in reply to GinkgoLeaf]

Hi GinkgoLeaf,

Thank you for your kind encouragement. I found the book and look forward to reading it. Also, I may try that “face one fear a day” thing as well, I appreciate the tip!

[Lifesearching]

I wouldn’t worry about your age. I’m 32 now but remember being in college and how it might feel like everyone else is ahead. I always compared myself to peers all through my twenties. They seemed to just have the good things in life early (marriage, ambition, social skills, etc). I got scared to death of 30, but you’d be amazed by how most adults my age still don’t have it “figured out”. Many of my friends are in their 40s, 50s, and they are still learning new things. I’m just like dang they make getting older look fun! My youngest brother is 18. Live life on your own timeline, and if you don’t have direction now you will later!

Society places very high expectations on young adults. 24 is extremely young, I would kill to be that age again. You have time don’t press yourself so much. I think we tend to put loads of pressure on ourselves because of expectations we think need to be met.

Your parents may be well meaning and a bit protective of you but don’t be so hard on yourself. Coming from someone in their 30s, you got a lot of time to figure life out! What I wish for my younger self is that I didn’t live to please others. Have a steady income but build what you love on the side. As a side note, got friend who is my age and still lives with their folks…you’re not behind at all.

[Akowa in reply to Lifesearching]

Hi Lifesearching,

Beautiful words, thank you for putting things into perspective for me. Indeed, we’re all learning to live so I appreciate the reminder!

[Lifesearching in reply to Akowa]

No worries! And now that I think on it, the peers I know who had success earlier in life, didn’t turn out to be the nicest people today :/ so it makes you kind of wonder how they got that success right? Were they honest, did they step on someone’s toes, or perhaps did they settle or decide because of societal pressure? They could genuinely be happy, but again don’t worry so much about age! Focus on ur journey and you’ll get there on your terms👊🏽