Falling back

[Liveinhope0689]

For a while I have felt like I was doing better... I was able to go to class and work, drive myself there and back. I was comfortable in my surroundings and the thoughts of my sister not being here anymore were just thoughts. Now every time I think about my sister not being gone it’s a crippling dread that overcomes me and I lost in my thoughts forever it seems like. Trying to complete school work or take a test my mind is everywhere and I can’t focus on anything. Driving is the worst thing ever when I get to a certain point irrational thoughts go through my mind and I start to panic, my husband had to get a ride to me one time and drop me off at school and then pick me up later. As my husband I know we are support help each other but I feel like I am becoming a nuisance and I’m putting too much on him, he is taking care of the kids and me I feel like I’m becoming a 4th child. I feel like little by little I’m falling back into the dark place I was in before and I hate that place it’s filled with doom and gloom and depression and self hatred. I scared I don’t know what to do I’m trying to keep pushing on and not quite. I feel like my crazy irrational thoughts are takeover me I get lost so much in my mind I feel trapped. Even walking around campus is becoming hard for me. I feel myself getting overwhelmed walking down long flights of steps I avoid certain areas because I’m afraid to panic. On top of this my apartment is falling apart I have a horrible landlord and l fell like me and my family live in a hole in a wall. I know I should be thankful I have a place to live but my it’s depressing coming home to this everyday I feel like I don’t have a place of just calm and peace I need to move and it is so hard to find an affordable place to live these days in a nice neighborhood and a good school district my children are not doing well in this school district it’s not the best I feel like my children are suffering and I not helping bc my anxiety and depression are holding me back from being the mother they deserve I’m not devoting enough time to them. I don’t think that I will be able to comeback from the dark place again if I fall back into it

[Mary-intussuception]

Sorry for your loss of your Precious Sister.

You're still dealing with the shock and in the early days of grief for one so young and close to you.

It's OK to have been doing better - hope you are able to get back to this soon. xx

🌹🌹🌹

[Liveinhope0689 in reply to Mary-intussuception]

Thank you for your kind and encouraging words 😊

[Mary-intussuception in reply to Liveinhope0689]

God Bless xXx

[brokenlight]

Thank you for sharing.

I can relate to some of your experiences and I’m sorry for your pain & suffering.

Being a Mom while battling mental health issues is one of the hardest things ever.

Especially when you live in a “hole in the wall” & are just trying to survive/take care of your family in the best ways that you can in a moment.

I feel you & I’m glad we have this space.

[Liveinhope0689 in reply to brokenlight]

Yes this space really helps to vent and to communicate to others who understand

[RoseyViolet]

I'm so sorry for your loss of your sister, I too have lost my sister. It really is a journey and a process of grief and recovery, but definitely one worth fighting to gain control over as well as healthy moving on through the pain. One thing that really helped me to process the pain as well as attempt to move on was to "own" my grief, not be "stuck" in my grief.

What that meant to me was if one day I was feeling pretty good, then I would celebrate that moment, thanking the good Lord for this day and the breath that He has given me. If on another day or moment of the day grief and sadness overtook me, I would give in to that emotion and thought for the moment, cherish the memory of my sis and then remember the good times and the fact that she wouldn't want me to be stuck in grieving for her. It helped me to embrace each moment as it came, but still move forward even though some days it felt like wading through the mud to get there.

I'm thankful that it sounds like you have a very supportive husband, that helps out so very much during your time of grief and depression. That's what families do, they care for each other during the good times and the not so good times.