Never ending cycle of love and hate

[Pieces99]

Hi! Here's the possible short story of how the antidepressants impacted my life in positive and negative way. So, basically my doctor is both psychiatrist and psychologist but he is mediocre at both. Or maybe I'm not an obedient patient. Anyways, the concept of curing depression is to give a higher dosage at first, then medium and small so that I wouldn't get habitat to it.

At first, the higher dosage made me sleepy, tired and grumpy for weeks which was to help the brain take some rest from functioning.

Slowly, the dosage was decreased because my college had already started and I was lagging behind. But the medications he gave were like magic to my dull routine. I suddenly became from depressed person to a person I didn't even think would be possible. I was confident, socializing, studying, going to parties blah blah (making up for all those years). I fell in love with myself all over again and thought " oh! My new journey begins". Fortunately or unfortunately it was for a short period of time.

During my happy time I didn't know that my doctor was reducing the medications and here I was like" I'm cured babe ". And at a particular event where I had to do presentation I was confident about, it hit me hard. I knew about every content but I froze. Like literally, my body was stiff as rock and the teacher could observe the weird unintentional facial expressions. He somehow knew that I'm lacking in my communication so he gave a medium length relevant lecture to me. But all of my insides were like " what, WTF just happened, how and why my brain and mouth didn't click". I'm listening to him, understanding his words but my mind was empty, no function at all.

The incident passed and I was broken ( physically and mentally). I realized I am back to square one. Now, I'm having all the symptoms ( panic attacks, stuttering, demotivation, negative thoughts, over thinking etc) which were supposedly gone. And I hate the person I have become. This story is like you're driving in a constant speed and then hit a giant thing. And these all had to appear just before my 20 re-exams. " wow, what a strange luck".

Thank you for reading my post and feel free to reply with positivity.

[rayana]

Hi, thanks for sharing your story. I understand how it feels to relapse. Although it feels like you are back to square one, please remember that at the time of your previous episode, you also believed the emotion would be permanent. However, there was a time where you did feel better and fall inlove with yourself again. You have learnt more than you think, and for every time you relapse (hopefully last one), you learn more about your ability to cope. Importantly, you learn that you don’t need to trust your brain that tells you this heavy feeling is forever.