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Anxiety and Depression Support
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Quick question

Even if your parents abuse you and emotionally neglect you - are you still entitled to love them?

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Yes are you are entitled to love them but you do not have to be entitled to love what they do to you so therefore I think you know what you should do

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What do you mean by ‘I think you know what you should do’?

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No.

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Children do love even parents who physical abuse and/or emotionally neglect them so you can love whom you like. It's neither right nor wrong. I suffered from CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) as a child but still loved my parents. They didn't do it on purpose and I could trace it back to their dysfunctional childhoods as well. Don't forget parents are just people and child rearing doesn't come with a hand manual. They just do the best that they are capable of.

If you feel your parents tried their best then why not love them anyway? Maybe when you learn more about CEN you might be able to teach them too? x

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I’m not really sure if they ‘tried their best’. To me, now that I’m older, I realise I could never hurt a child, regardless of their behaviour. I’m not talking about a simple spank or slap it would be worse than that, but if I was a parent I would try my best to make sure the child understood what they did wrong and what the possible consequences are. I’d want to understand why they did what they did ext. my parents (mainly my dad) wouldn’t even try to understand the whole situation - he’d just do what he pleaded to me because everything was essentially my fault. And maybe he’s right, I don’t know to be honest. All I know is that I’m not a fan of his parenting methods.

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hi you are not obligated to love anyone.every parent have different methods of punishment not everyone can be perfect.there is a line though you cant cross and that's excessive punishment to the point of bruising or broken bones or even severe emotional abuse.i never had a great relationship with my dad till the last 8 years of his life but I hated the way he saw things in us growing up but I loved him no matter what.we cant always forget certain methods of punishment dished out to us but we can forgive and if that means loving them as parents then yes but if its to the severity then I would question my love and loyalty to them.everyone makes mistakes that's how we learn and my dad even said sorry for things and that took a lot to do.

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Yeah. That’s why I asked this question. To be be honest I’m confused to if I should love my dad or not. But then if I don’t feel love to him then I feel guilty - he works a lot and provides my with food and a house ext. I just don’t really speak to him and when I do it’s in conflict. I don’t want to get into the details it’s hard to talk about even on here. But then I feel like a ‘pussy’ for being sensitive about it. I have too many conflicting thoughts.

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hey your feelings are real along with your thoughts its just how you are and that should be respected even by your parents.i hardly even spoke to m dad the 38 years I lived at home for the same reasons as you it usually ended in conflict.i suppose the older we get then you can learn to love them more.my dad was brought up through the war and had old style views and values but mellowed out over the last few years I think he looked at life from a modern perspective meaning he felt guilt in many ways.

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I really hope so. It has gotten a lot easier over the years, but it’s still something that affects me? I don’t know how to describe it really.

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The way you word your question confuses me. Entitled to love them? Entitled? Deserving of special treatment? Are you asking if you can love them, or if they give you permission to love them? I believe in life you get what you earn, if someone treats me badly, they are not worthy of my time or attention. I had an aunt who hated me because I reminded her of her grandmother, crazy I know! She made my life hell, as a child, I could do nothing, but as an adult I can, and did. She is dead to me, at family functions , I do not even acknowledge her. I haven't spoken to her in 8 years. When I got everyone in my family rings from Tiffany, I left her out, she doesn't exist to me. You must decide what you will be in life, an equal, a person, or a doormat. Toxic people won't change, they won't change their abusive behavior towards you, no matter how nice you are. If you do not protect yourself, no one will. I wish you luck.

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Entitled as in - are you obligated to love them regardless of how they treat you. My home life has gotten better but my dad still ‘gets angry’ from time to time. My mum though is much better.

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Stress in the workplace can filter down to the immediate family. You suffer the brunt of the backlash. Glad things are better at home. No parent is perfect - but sometimes they lash out and there is no excuse. The father has to be head of the pack - rather like dogs ha! The young challengers especially the male cops it as they seen to be challenging their authority. Expect you now feel your sister and mum take sides against you and your dad does not support you as a young man. Your feelings are detached and you are finding it hard to feel an emotional response towards your family. Keep reaching out to this support group as they have valuable insights which may put your experiences into perspective. Enjoy your studies, you must pat yourself on the back as you have done well in your GCES. You are in your 1st year of A level studies so knowing what sort of exam questions are given and how to answer them from books and student guide lines can help your natural ability to write. Have a great time with your mates.

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😂😂 I like your ‘dog’ analogy, but maybe It’s time I tell you I’m a girl 😅

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ha!

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Yeah 😅

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Glad your name has been coded to disguise your identity. Have been laughing at myself. Whoops!

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😂😂😂 don’t worry it’s ok

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The question is are they entitled to your love. No. They have to earn love and respect. I disowned mine and I am much better. My siblings too. I don't have to subject myself to that behavior.

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No. Love is not demanded. It goes both ways.

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Good morning Meaning the best thing to do is love the person from a distance

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What if you live with them 😅

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Do you have to live with them or do you want to live there?

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I have to live with them. Well until I go to university for 3 maybe 4 years

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The best thing for you to do is try to stay out of their way and don’t interact with things that you know that will make them upset with you to cause you any harm Be safe an strong

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Thank you - it’s been working so far

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I’m glad to hear that I just hate for you to have to go through that such a young age things will get better for you

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It’s fine. I suppose I’m kinda used to it. Strangely I’m not quite used to it not happening, which is why I’m releasing how shitty it really was before.

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I believe you have to forgive everyone...now that does not mean you have to cozy up with them...or even be around them...as long as in your heart you hold no malice...it's all good!

Dump trucks of love, peace, light, joy & hugs for you! Make it shine today!

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I’d forgive him if he said sorry but that’s never gonna happen.

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Ya know forgiveness is more about you than them...when you do forgive you are able to release the negativity....I know it's not easy ...I've been through a lot...believe me..it's so worth it for you!!!

Dump trucks of love, peace, light, joy & hugs!!!

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Thanks. I’ll take it into consideration.

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If you'd like to pm me...go for it....I know how difficult it can be to forgive...but I'd never lie to you...the payoff for you will be beyond words! Love, peace, light, joy & hugs for you!

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Thank you for your support

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This is a difficult question that I have had to struggle with. It was especially hard for me to answer while I was still living with family that neglected me emotionally. Once I was able to leave home, I was able to process things a little better. I had to learn to love myself. I had to realize that I was separate from my family, and the choices they made didn't define who I am. I get to make my own choices and live my life differently than they do. Sometimes they try to guilt me for being different. Sometimes they would put me down, but that was their own mess talking. It has nothing to do with who I am and nothing that I did caused them to treat me that way. I read a book called Boundaries that helps one to see how to place boundaries in their lives with people who don't treat them well. It might be helpful for you. I found a copy at a local library. I can love my family from afar. By that I mean, I can accept them and the fact that they have issues and struggles and I don't condemn them for it. But it also means that I don't let them define me. I don't let them choose what I will and will not do. It is a hard thing when family doesn't treat you right.

How old are you? Do you have anyone that you can talk this subject over with who will keep your conversation private between the two of you? A pastor? An older friend? A counselor? If you don't, I can listen. I hope you find what you are needing in your search. Hugs.

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Wow. Thank you so much for taking the time to write a response like that. I’m 16 years old and I’m not really open about this subject that much really. Only 2 people know (my best friend I’ve known for years, and my other close friend who I told when I was drunk unfortunately) I’ve been meaning to go to a counsellor for month but I have a habit of procrastinating these things. I really hope things are gonna be much easier once I get older. Because it was a lot worse when I was younger and I used to cry whenever those things happen but now I’m used to it. I’m not much of a reader despite taking all essay based a levels but I’ll check out the book you recommended anyways. Thank you so much for the reply and I wish the best for you also :)

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You are welcome. It is a hard situation to be in. It hard to learn handle on your own. Please know that just getting older doesn't help as much as being intentional about the decisions you make. Being older just means you can live somewhere else and have friends you can rely on. Getting out of the toxic environment is great and so freeing. You still get to make the hard choices everyday so that you can become free from what experience has taught you. One thing I have learned is that the coping skills I learned in that environment were not useful in healthier environments, and I had to learn new skills. I say that not to deter you, but so that you can be aware when things could get tough.

Also, before I went to a counselor, it was a scary idea. I did put it off. I didn't want to be blamed or thought to be too needy. Once I actually went through with it, I found a good counselor. They were supportive and helped me to see myself in a better light. It was a decision I was so glad that I made. It changed me for the better. I hope that for you, too. Best wishes in all your classes. Let me know if you need to talk. Not holding things in can be so very beneficial. Hugs.

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Thanks for the reply, I still really need to get help but it’s kinda hard when the school counsellor is on maternity leave 🙄 I really hope things get better, but it’s very difficult. I really hope it’ll all be worth it as lots of people say though. Thanks again, and best for your future e

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Omg! I could have written your response especially about the coping skills bit. When I first went out into the world I behaved as my family had taught me and I got killed a few times until I understood and learnt much better ways to interact. x

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Hi - this long term relationship with your dad making you feel unwanted and being physically punishment sounds as if he is a dominating character. He does not give praise readily, and is negative rather than try to have a father son friendship. If you have any idea of a career pathway, your school and grades might be important. If you do not want to have an academic career, then may be you should gain information - you could aim to be an electrician, a builder, a plumber, an actor, a radio DJ a journalist or reporter for a local paper. You could look at apprentice careers or even to the army where you can gain skills in many different subjects such as catering. I think you are being defined by academic work rather than a vocational career. There are so many careers linked to Social work such as educational welfare, where you learn as you go along. Even being a solicitor

can be achieved by being an apprentice is a practice. The sooner you make your own life,

then you will be independent. So hang on in there. Keep close to other members of your family - cutting off links will not help as the family would take sides if you broke the relationship

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Well my career aspiration is to be a film director - after looking into it a degree is not necessary but it is helpful. I do want to go to university but I have to get ABB in my a levels which isn’t easy. And I know I have to work hard but ironically, it feels like my parents aren’t helping completely(I can’t blame them for everything I’m at fault as well) but I need to make sure I’m mentally able to do these exams, I know for fact my grades drop if my mental health does too. But it’s been really hard since I have to do all this without them knowing (they won’t let me go to the doctors) my secondary family (aunts, uncles) are awesome, their really nice, but I don’t get to see them often unfortunately.

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Hi depressed worm - you sound like a very creative person to me - your insights into relationships are sensitive and you can read moods and people. If you are keen on filming then may be you should enter filming competitions for young people. You can look online for film competitions. The system is not geared to creative thought and you may have a brilliant creative potential but with the establishment approach to education your ideas might not be appreciated if you have spelling errors or minor flaws in writing.

A good way of getting to film production is through an HND course in Art and Illustration, Art colleges encourage filming and photography and there are many careers linked with video and sound technology. You can leave school aged 16 and go straight to college. As part of art courses you get experience of photography and video

and filming. If you want to find other courses which you don't have to have a degree for then may be you should look online for courses which you can attend in your area.

The HND is more of a work related qualification and is highly regarded. It can be quite difficult for some students but you get a wide range of options and contacts.

It is not unusual for kids to have problems with their dad's. Dad's tend to warm more to their daughters than their sons who they regard as a challenge to a their mum's affections. I see it all going on in my family but not understanding how your dad's attitude is provoked is like having to walk on egg shells. Have fun - you have to adapt to survive.

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Wow thank you for the really long respond. It’s really appreciated. I’m can’t go to college because I’ve already started my a levels. That and I didn’t really want to go anyway, there aren’t any good ones in my area. I think I’m gonna do a university course centred around media maybe? And yeah living with my dad is like walking on egg shells constantly 😅 but I guess it could a whole lot worse to be honest.

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So many choices to make when you are in your A level group - my daughter wanted to do art, but after her degree went to do a post graduate course in teaching. She did well as the course should normally take 2 years. She then taught for 5 years

and then went to do an MA in Greenwich. She then opened her own art gallery.

My son didn't do O level art - he just went to the college and attended an interview where he had to do a piece of art work. He succeeded and did a GAD. He left school early. After achieving his HND there was not much work available he eventually ended up in social services. Then he went back to his art and exhibits in galleries.

There is no way of knowing if you can get into the film industry unless you have contacts. Not sure how many people get jobs after their media courses.

it's a trick of fate sometimes to find the job you want - but don't give up if you know what you want to do. You could write a book that is turned into a film script!

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I was actually writing a book in the beginning of last summer but I stopped once school began. I’m not sure if I should continue it or not tho

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You have so much in your life - if you write during relaxation breaks to get away from study you might find it helpful. It just depends on overload. Sometimes you need to switch off. The important thing is to not rock the boat and count to five before you make a spontaneous remark which might upset not only the one who you are angry with but other people. It is called the ripple effect. You'll be ok as long as you keep calm. Not easy when you are at boiling point! Sure you've got the talent in writing so keep it alive.

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Yeah maybe I could try starting up again it was nice while I got into it

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Great ! Have you logged onto websites with essays on your subjects - they can give some good ideas on how to answer questions? No need to reply.

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No I haven’t? How do I do that and what websites ?

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Don't know - I'll have a look.

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I have no feelings at all for my parents. They both abused me in different ways. Now they are dead. I only wish I could have expressed my true thoughts to them. I did not get the chance. But I did love boyfriends who abused me. I think abuse is something you tolerate because of low self esteem. You need to find people who are not abusive. Not a simple task.

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I’m really really sorry for what’s happened to you and your loss of your parents. I just ask if you don’t mind what your true thoughts to them are. How you really feel about them, because I don’t know how to feel towards my parents.

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My feelings for them are anger and betrayal. I have an older brother who they put on a pedestal. My mother could not handle two children. One was more than enough. She hated me. I wish I could have told them the way they treated me hurt me deeply and ruined my life. I struggled at everything. I am still struggling.The damage is permanent. But I survived.

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Omg I feel like I can relate to you a lot. I have an older sister and she’s basically perfect (gets good grades, organised, she’s hard working) she’s everything I’m not and sometimes i wish I wasn’t born just so that I couldn’t put a dent on to the family’s success.

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Well it depends ..for me I would likely say yes because i experienced some type of abuse from my father after his alcohol addiction, however after quitting both drinking and smoking the relationship is a bit mended and a bit stronger ..so I think it depends on exactly what happened..if there was an excuse for their behaviors and abuse..and if they regret it later and try to make it up

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What if there isn’t and they don’t ? I mean my older sister is very close to my parents, and maybe I’ll be like that one day, but for as long as I can remember I’ve always been the one to get more abuse than she has. That’s probably because she’s more ‘well behaved’ and smarter and such, but my parents used to hit me for anything. From not eating (after being full) to having an argument with my sister.

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As i said, it depends, this may not be what you want to hear , although its wrong , but hitting you for not eating enough (in their opinion) may have been in their point of view in your favor, for your own good, they seem strict or abusive, but some parents dumb their kids or kill their kids, in other cultures parents kill their daughters or sons if they commit adultery or other crimes that offend their honor.

PS. BUT AGAIN I DONT KNOW THE WHOLE SITUATION, I SAY YOU DO WHAT YOU THINK IS BEST, IM JUST SAYING MAYBE THEY THOUGHT THEY DID WHAT IS BEST, MAYBE NOT

Im just speaking from my knowledge ;)

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Dunno, then my said if she wanted to kill me and leave me in a bush she would’ve but she didn’t do I guess that’s a good thing ?

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Parents are not always the best people, others think thta because some woman gives birth or some man hooks up with a woman and they have a baby that they are qualified to be parents, the sad thing that some parents who dont know what they are doing dont try to do well, while others overdo it through strict and irrational behaviors, and some parents learn along the way, which is unfair that sometimes the younger brother is treated better because of like the parent is now comfortable with raising a child and has more experience but thats how life is, money issues and marital issues also play a role, before my parents were divorced life sucked, in a nutshell life was falling apart, after their divorce they started treating us better because they r not mad all the time, not saying its fair but sometimes there are things that affect parapents, after all they are human and not all of them are very patient

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I sometimes think it’s my fault because they treat my older sister well. And (I think a lot of people here think I’m a boy but I’m actually a girl 😅) but anyway I’ve always been treated the worse ever since I can remember. Maybe it’s because I’m a bad child, I always think my family and everyone in general would be better off without me because I really don’t have anything to offer to anyone or the world.

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No dont think that, everyone has something to offer.i believe every soul is here for a reason, u never know what can happen ..too many very weird coincedences happened in my life for me to believe this

Sometimes parents treat the child because they think they need a different raising techniques..now im 18 so im not an expert but maybe u should talk to ur parents about this if you feel comfortable

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There’s no way in hell I could talk to my parents about this 😅 I just don’t talk to them that much really

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Sorrry to hear that. Well dont you worry we r here to listen and support

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Thank you so much x

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Hi different websites for A level literature - which may help any anxiety on how to write essays to exam standard are as follows. If the links don't work then to find the same links as myself you can use Bing as your search engine and type in "Examples of essays for A level English Literature."

thestudentroom.co.uk

ukessays.com

How to structure an English Literature Essay -

tavistocktutors.com

University of Edinburgh -

ed.ac.uk/files/imports/file... literature

ericed.gov/fulltext/profess...

Let me know with the word "yes" if links are ok.

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The first 3 links work but the other 2 don’t but thank you so so much for this !!

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You can always type in examples for any other subject such as use of English in media studies or try your own search engine for links. I can understand your problem -

tensions within family with conflict. As you feel excluded and not equal I can see that you would feel very depressed. You have the feeling you can never please and never do anything right. Expect your older sibling will be off to University and you will be on your own at home . This might be a relief. I do hope you will stay close to your friends and family and know you are equal and you are loved. Don't waste time on those who are rejecting you. You will make your own relationships in time. No need to reply.

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Other tips that helped me when I did a mature university course are to have a small tape recorder to tape your lectures. The first fifteen minutes most people can pay attention to a lecture but might drift off switching off. No camera phones permitted as these are live. It's handy to make notes from your tapes for essays to fill in those missing gaps. Supplements to your diet such as cod liver oil gels and coconut oil bought in supermarkets, can help brain function and depression and anxiety.

Don't think any one will mind you using some coconut oil on a plain biscuit or put in a casserole or salad dressing. Coconut oil helps to ward off certain bacteria and viruses as well as olive oil. healthyliving.azcentral.com... oii cure for depression

and coconut and anxiety attacks paleohacks.com/coconut/coconut and anxiety attacks. Sure this well help with memory, to have some back up and feedback from

tapes, and supplements which help brain metabolism. Cheers. No need to reply.

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Wow thank you so much. And coconut oil, I find it so weird because I usually put it into my hair, but maybe I’ll eat it next time ? 😅

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Yes if from supermarket as scent might be added to some shampoo. Take care.

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Thank you for everything

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Keep sharing on the website. Have fun with your mates.

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Okay 👌🏽

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