Stress: University and Boyfriend

[rainydays04]

This is my first post here. I’m not sure how I do this haha.

I’m really struggling with bad thoughts lately. A lot of it has to do with the stress I’m under at university and also my relationship with my boyfriend. I’m in my last year at uni and the work load is stressing me. I feel like time is going by so fast and I have no time to work. But then when I work I feel so overwhelmed I simply sit and stare at my laptop. I feel like nothing I write is good enough though I usually achieve good grades. I always feel like I could have done better and now I feel like I can’t write at all. I’m scare of the future, I don’t know what I want to do.

I have a wonderful boyfriend who I’ve been with for nearly a year. He is very supportive and patient and listens to my problems with kindness and no judgement. However, I constantly question over relationship. I worry that it’s going to end or that I’ll ruin it and often mention breaking up. He tells me he know I’m not serious because I’m usually hugging him when I say this and crying into him about how I don’t know how to fix myself. I know it’s not true too. I don’t want to break up. I just don’t know how to stop worrying about it ending, my head keeps telling me “we don’t work”. If he does the slightest annoying thing I often think about ending it even though he’s simply eating loud or being energetic when I’m tired. It’s distressing because I love him. and when I get out of my bad place we have an good time together. But this voice still tells me it’s wrong. I don’t know how to turn it off and just live in the moment. I constantly worry about the future. I can’t relax. It makes my chest hurt.

My head is so so loud and negative. And it tells me to ruin the good things in my life. It’s my inner own voice but it feels like it’s another person as well because I want myself to stop overthinking. I feel like I’m going to ruin some the good things in my life through the horrible negativity that I can’t get over... my university experience, my relationship. I self harm sometimes because I feel so angry at myself.

[Hidden]

Hello, so sorry to hear that you are experiencing a difficult time at present. It's a long time since I was at Uni but I do remember (just !) what a stressful priod of transition it can be for many people. From what my daughters told me, there is even more pressure and expectation on students now, so your concern is perfectly understandable. I suppose the 'trick' is learning how to manage that pressure successfully to achieve a proper work/life balance. Are their any student support services that you could access or a tutor you could discuss this with? Time management and planning and organising workloads are skills that can be learnt, and seeking and obtaining constructive feedback from an experienced/trusted third person can help in this regard. You mention a couple of times your 'worry' about the future. Yes, if we think about all the things that could go wrong, it can be overwhelming. In reality, of course, the future is uncertain and largely outside our control. It may turn out worse or better than we expect - all we can do really is accept that and try to focus on the present. Have you tried counselling to help with this? I wish I'd used counselling when I was younger. With regard to your relationship, what in your heart of hearts do you really want? You mention a 'voice' telling you that something is wrong....is that a gut feeling or are there specific examples that confirm that? Making choices about relationships are rarely easy, but, equally, there are rarely any 'right' or 'wrong' answers. We all have to make the best decisions we can at the time based on the information we have. You can't be judged, or judge yourself harshly, for making a decision that you believe is the best one in the circumstances. I do think you need to be kinder to yourself and show yourself some compassion. You're doing just fine and you will continue to be fine. You just need some reassurance. Take care,

[rainydays04 in reply to Hidden]

Hi, you gave me this advice 3 months ago and I just wanted to thank you. something you said really stuck with me. You mentioned having a “gut feeling” about my relationship and what I wanted truly in my heart. I decided to really think about that and talk to a counsellor and then started to understand I was in a relationship with a controlling and emotionally abusive person (which I knew deep down but couldn’t admit). So thank you for helping me come to terms with that. I hope you’re doing well!

[Hidden in reply to rainydays04]

Thank you for those kind words. I think we all would benefit from having regular counselling to enable us to clarify what exactly we want out of life. Wishing you health, hope and happiness.

[masa2333]

Oh my good, I have exactly the same situation like you. I totally understand your problem and hope it gets better. I started to not take care of myself regularly, gained weight due to anxiety and inactivity and just studying studying studying and developed body issues also and I’m always questioning whether he will leave me or not. Then in the next moment I imagine all the situations in which I could leave him.

My psychologist told me I have fear of the adulthood and am putting too much pressure on myself and that I should try to decrease those unhealthy habits. If you ever need anyone to talk to I’m here and understand

[LadyO4]

My heart goes out to you because I can feel the pressure building up inside you, and wish I had a switch to help you turn it off.

I think if you ask any student who is serious about their studies, they will quickly admit many of the same emotions you just described. They put themselves under the spotlight of self condemnation and judgement because of the expectations they place on themselves. I think the fact that you care so much, even though you are driven to excel, shows that you want to prove your best, and sometimes your best comes out in times like these. Someday you will look back and be reminded of how hard you worked, and how it impacted your future.

But I see another concern you are buried under, and that is a fractured or damaged self-worth, that refuses to give credit for the strengths and positive character qualities you do possess. How easy it is to become your own worst enemy. Where did this come from? Your childhood?

Please step back for a moment and consider what you would say to another student if they were in your shoes. What advice would you offer? What would you conclude from their description of the pressures they face?

Try your hardest to contact someone who works in the office, and ask for the name of a professional on campus you can set up a meeting with to unload these concerns. You need to talk to someone and find a release for these pent up emotions. Don't wait - time is of essence. Be kind to yourself and get the help you need. It is ok to lean on someone - I've done thousands of times in my life.

Thanks for letting me share my thoughts and please feel free to write back if you'd like.