Feeling alone

[ally_99]

Why do I always have the on going feeling like I’m always alone? I have amazing friends as well as an amazing boyfriend. (My family is great, but they don’t understand or believe that I have anxiety and depression, so they don’t count in this post) I feel like when I’m completely alone, in my room laying down in bed late night.. that’s when I feel like complete shit. I feel like everyone is lying to me and I start to overthink everything. Idk what is wrong with me. The one thing that has been heavy on my heart is my boyfriend.. I’ve had this weird gut feeling for weeks now and idk how to make it go away. I hardly ever bring it up to him to avoid it getting us in a bad mood, ik that’s a stupid excuse but we’re good in our relationship so I wouldn’t want to ruin the good moments.. but I can’t help but think he’s hiding something or that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. We’ve talked about the situation about our phones like who we talk to and that we can check each other’s phones, but we never do it and I feel like I need to but I feel like he’s been avoiding me the past couple of nights.. (btw I sneak out at night to hang out with him longer after coming home from being with him lol) *strict Mexican parents* .. point of this post is that should I ask him if I can see his phone? (I’m completely okey with him going on my phone, he does it now and he knows my pw I ain’t tripping, but idk his pw and I’m never like on his phone unless he tells me to do things on it while he drives or he’s busy doing something else) soooo ik in my heart I trust him but my mind is telling me not to let my guard down and stand up to him.. he’s had a reputation of talking to hella girls, but our relationship has been going on for almost 2 years it’s kinda and on and off thing and we had a break up of 2 1/2 months summer 2018, but we’ve been together since ending of September 2018 so idk he says he loves me and wants to be with me, but sometimes I doubt it and idk why I do.. I just want to know I trust him and I want him to love me the way he says he does not just half ass it..

[idontreallycare]

a part of you might be telling you that you are being paranoid and although people will say it is wrong cause it shows lack of trust but i have had some similar experiences before and i think sometimes, it is better to be the smart one rather than being the good one. If you feel if something is off, you should totally check his phone every now and then and if he really loves you..he won't have a problem with it. Although, if he is chatting with other girls, I don't think he will let you know that easily.

[Oneseedatatime]

Sweetheart, you have good insight about what is wrong. In this post you pin it down to your boyfriend. While no one but you and him know the exact nature of your relationship it reads as if there is something that is causing the concern. Do you feel like you can talk to him at some point or are you concerned that if you do it will ruin that moment and much more? I do agree that talking about such topics with our significant others can be embarrassing but it is also about how open and trusting the relationship is. It may change the mood at the moment but it should lead to raw conversation that can seal any insecurities and doubts. The only way to trust him and for him to love you like he says he does and not half ass it like you said is to be honest, understanding, have grace, communicate openly and build each other up at all times. Talk to him. You are dating, you have been dating for a long time, you have to know now if you can talk and trust this man now before you go on longer.

[ally_99 in reply to Oneseedatatime]

I can talk to him about some things but I feel that bc of my old relationship I can’t open up to anyone. I have been thinking lately about telling him what’s going on and what I’m feeling, but whenever I tell him I want to talk I literally stay quiet and it sucks. And when we do talk I never actually say what I want to say and I get mad at myself for leaving things out. Idk what a good approach is to opening up to him about my feelings lately..

[ally_99 in reply to Oneseedatatime]

And yes to not ruin the good moment (bc of past experience with my ex) I don’t say what’s exactly on my mind or I tell him bits or that nothing is wrong when he asks why I’m so quiet.. and when he does ask what’s wrong I say idk bc idk how to explain it on the spot I space out and he’s on his phone half the time so I don’t like bothering him .. whenever it’s a moment like that I get the worst anxiety while I’m with him