I dont even know, I just needed to write this down.

[LillyNilly83]

I push people away, old friends and new potential friends, unless the relationship is beneficial or convenient in some way, what does that mean?

I dont really care about my job anymore. I've refused a promotion because I dont want to add more responsibilities, I dont want any really. I want to do the bare minimum and go home.

I often feel like conversation is a chore and I prefer to ignore a call or msg from a friend or even family

I barely speak to my father, and even my sister who is in town.

I know I love them but I have little Interest in what or how they're doing, this can't be normal.

My life is centered around my children, and giving them the best I can

However

My patience is short

I yell for no reason sometimes

I feel like what I do and say hurts their feelings sometimes

When I have nice moments with them I find myself staring at them and feeling ashamed at how I treat them sometimes, they deserve better from me.

Ive never thought of physically “hurting” my children, but I do spank them and I'm terrified of going too far one day.

I love my husband but its entirely my fault that our intimate time is almost nonexistent

I can see that he gives his all, and i know he loves me.

He is often visibly “deflated” when I turn him down, again

We've spoken countless Times about “spicing things up" or let's try to dedicate more time to “us” and it will last maybe a week then we may not speak for a couple days.

I'm afraid of losing him and I'm not sure he can hold on much longer.

I often want to drive away and stay away.. for a while. I feel better away from home. Away from my life.

Some nights I can't sleep, my mind won't stop going thru my past failures or future plans.

I started school this spring. I underestimated the amount of strain this would put on my husband and the girls.

I feel guilty for pursuing something I truly feel will make me happy. Is it bad timing? What if I fail?

I did fail an exam, can my grade recover from it?

Sometimes I want to quit. My husband pushes me to keep going because he knows it's what I want

A lot of times I just want to disappear.

I dont feel mentally healthy. I can feel the confusion. I can feel the sadness. I have this Internal tug of war that may have been going on for longer than I think. I'm tired. I cry for no reason. I cry for everything. I was told my spark is gone. I used to be very funny and happy.

I dont feel funny. I dont feel happy. I'm sacred.

[foxglove_pnw]

Hi LilyNilly ! I am so sorry your are hurting in so many ways !

Have you open up to a doctor or a therapist ? Have you talk to your husband about your feelings ?

I can relate to some of the struggles you are having ! The key is not lose hope !

Thanks for sharing how you feel !

[LillyNilly83 in reply to foxglove_pnw]

Thank you for you kind words. It helped alot to put it in print.

[hammock_lvr]

Recognizing what’s happening is the only way I have been able to develop as a mom. You need support, we all do. I hope you can open up to your husband or a professional, even the counselor at the school you’re attending?

I’ve been on a long run of failures, I feel. I’m on an upswing right now, still unemployed, but it’s taken a lot of work to be as grounded as possible. When my kids were little, even just younger, I did a lot of yoga. Helped calm my mind in a way I had never known. I also have adhd along with anxiety and depression.

I’ve have to remind myself to regularly tell my ex (who helps a lot) how much I appreciate him. Even though he’s like my third child sometimes.

Most importantly, I try to stop once a day and tell my kids they are good kids and I’m grateful for their patience with me. They are teens so I let them know I’m a work in progress just like we all are. But that my issues are not theirs and not because of them and that they are terrific kids. With all the crap in my head, I had to work hard to make sure kids are my priority - adhd, inattentive so dinner is often late. But their ability to be functional successful adults is so important to me. I don’t want them to be like me and I was shaped greatly by my family and parents. Not the most loving healthy or functional. BUT had to recognize and work on my issues to see what my kids needed from me, because I honed in on some deficits in my upbringing. Healing has been aided by trying not to recreate a cycle.

Good luck, and don’t be too hard on yourself. I’ve been there, even the part about likening not being at home. I think I didn’t know what to do and how to calm down and just be with my kids. Many years, I felt that way. The escape!

But that’s changed. Now that they are becoming young adults I don’t want to miss a moment as they’ll be gone to college or whatever in the blink of an eye.

Just so you know you’re not alone and there are steps to take that will help. Only you can figure those out and opening up about these feelings can often take the power away from holding it all inside. If that is relatable at all - I hope so. Good luck! ❤️

[LillyNilly83 in reply to hammock_lvr]

Thank you.

[hammock_lvr in reply to LillyNilly83]

Thank you LillyNilly83. Happy to listen if you need an ear. Take care of you.

[AZ1970]

It sounds like you are very depressed. I have experienced all of those symptoms. You can feel better. Have you spoken to your doctor? Take steps sooner rather than later. You have a lot of amazing people around you. Like you said, your husband is your rock. You are blessed to have him. But everyone has their limits. Do your best to keep you stress level down. I have had to take leaves from school when my mental health was bad. But I picked back up when I was feeling better. There is a way through this. Hang in there and reach out for help.

[LillyNilly83 in reply to AZ1970]

I have an appt but honestly I'm not sure I'll be able to say what I need to say. I might just pull up this post and ket then read it. Thank you.

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to LillyNilly83]

I always have the problem of not being able to describe my feelings and issues! It sets my treatment way back... it’s great to just write it all down and hand the note tonyour doctor. They know that speaking is not easy and that avoidance seems to be the best helper. Check your thyroid levels too cause it may be adding...

[LillyNilly83 in reply to Orangeblossom85]

Great suggestion. I'll inquire about it. Thanks.

[Hidden]

It sounds like you have a really great message and meaning, but maybe make your own post about it instead of going on multiple people's posts about their specific and personal struggles and advertising your group. It just seems really cold and uncaring to the original poster, because they are sharing something very personal about themselves, and your response is very impersonal and self-promotion-y. Please don't take this in a mean way, but I don't think this is the best way to get people to join your group or help others. I saw that you are new here and may not get how all this functions yet, but people don't really promote on here. It's more about making connections and getting advice, giving advice, giving support, giving support, and just being there for one another. I'd say maybe put a link to your group in your bio, but don't promote it at the end of every single comment you make. It makes everything you said before it seem empty. Really, I'm not trying to be harsh or anything, I'm just trying to explain that you may not get many "friends of mind" this way. Good luck!

[Orangeblossom85]

Maybe it’s your thyroid?

[Hidden]

Ah, I see. I think just your tone and the fact that you are putting (sort of) the same message on a ton of different posts... it feels like an ad to me, guess. I honestly thought you were a bot when I first saw one. Again, I think that it is a really good idea, and a great message. I'm glad you like it here. And I'm sorry if this sounds harsh or cruel or anything. I'm just pointing out how it may come across... I wouldn't want anyone to be deterred by unfortunate misinterpretations. I'm passionate too.

[jennicole31]

Hi friend, I am sorry that you've been feeling like this. I believe that you are a good mother. Going to school will help your kids in the long run. Your husband seems very supportive of you. Have you tried seeking spiritual help at a local christian church or some type of therapy? You seem to have a blessed life but something keeps stealing your joy. Perhaps, there's something going on deeper that you have to face and overcome. I am praying for you to find peace and the strength to spend time with your loved ones.

[LillyNilly83 in reply to jennicole31]

Thank you for your prayers.