Struggling

[BrownEyesBlue]

I have a lot of things to be thankful for. I’ll start with that. My situation is not ideal at the moment. I have an amazing boyfriend. We’re currently living with my father and sister which at times can be stressful and the only reason for doing so at the moment is because my father is 87 and needs assistance and my sister works all the time. I’m currently on unemployment benefits and he’s just recently started work. I know we eventually will have to move on but right now, financially and emotionally, I’m unable to do so. For both of us, full time work is guaranteed in April. Am I being naive to want to have a plan and not rush in to anything or have to go on assistance like he says?

He’s been drinking a fair bit. Not a beer in the evenings or before bed or after work; like buy a half case and drink TIL it’s gone sometimes in the afternoon. It’s concerning to me. He says it’s not a problem. But he’s had addiction problems before. And money is tight so it seems like a waste to me.

I feel like I’m loosing my mind.....

[AZ1970]

That sounds like addictive behavior to me. What do you feel you need to do about it?

[BrownEyesBlue in reply to AZ1970]

I don’t know what to do. All I know is whenever I bring it up, he shuts down and won’t talk to me. He ices me out. And he will always make it about something else; and ultimately back on me. Like he said today “that broke my heart. I didn’t know it was that big of a deal”. Like. I don’t know what to do anymore. How can you talk to someone who sees no issue with their actions? Who uses the same situation that I am in as a reason to drink? I feel so guilty for dragging him in to this but yet he’s a big boy and knew the deal. I’m now just scared I’m going to loose him. I give in all the time and I always feel lost and like no one really gives a damn that I’m dealing with all this too.

[AZ1970 in reply to BrownEyesBlue]

I agree with hypercat54. Addicts don't change most of the time on their own. There are not consequences for his actions. And if you are terrified of losing him, you won't be able to set the boundaries with him. My suggestion is to find a support group like Alanon or Coda. I can also say from experience, that living with an addict is not conducive to healing from mental health issues. The anxiety and ensuing depression is a part of the game of addiction. You start to base your moods and security upon what he does and does not do. It is a vicious cycle. Please take care of yourself.

[BrownEyesBlue in reply to AZ1970]

I will always take care of myself and have learned the hard way that I need to come first. Thank you. We are seeking help. Communication is big with usand he knows there’s an issue there and is willing to work on it. Thanks again.

[AZ1970 in reply to BrownEyesBlue]

I am happy for you. I know how hard it is. I hope the help you get is beneficial.

[BrownEyesBlue]

Number one he doesn’t blame me for it. Number two; yes he drinks. It’s not an every day occurance but twice a week. I just feel it’s unnecessary.

He will compromise. It’s just that when I approach him on the subject he shuts down. Eventually he talks to me about it and says he realizes he has his issues and obviously doesn’t want to go down that path again. We’ve decided he needs to have more contact with his councillor than what he has been having. I thank you for your opinion.

[SuZQ154]

Glad you are posting. Improving our situations requires getting honest and reaching out. You are doing both. That's great. And, you are dealing with many heartbreaking issues! Counseling for yourself might help you to sort out how each is impacting the other. Christian counseling helped me to do that, along with learning new ways of "loving WELL". God does not want us to be doormats. Also, you might want to check out Leslie Vernick's "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship" bit.ly/2Bp6WBn It gives practical and wise advice. Hope this helps and praying for you today.