Unmoored

[maggief9812]

I had a good, rambling talk with my big sister today... venting about our recent daily struggles, examining the steps we have each taken for our personal growth, considering our family history and maladaptive patterns of thought and behavior... We talked about our worries for our loved ones in their struggle to find happiness in the wake of our shared past and our fear that they may never find the strength to grow beyond the trauma. I felt like crying a few times, and we laughed a lot with our own unique family brand of dark humor. If you’re not laughing, you’re crying, amirite? 😬😂

It was cathartic. And simultaneously lightening and increasing the deep sorrow I have for the way we were raised. My sister’s perspective showed me some facets of our mom that I had never examined, and I’m left feeling somewhat unmoored. As the eldest girl and by far the most responsible of us in our youth, my sister was in many ways my surrogate mom when my parents were not being adults. She still carries anger at my mom for not making the effort to remove us from an unsafe environment. She pointed out patterns of her consistently doing the bare minimum and disregarding our autonomy. It rang far too true to ignore, as much as I hate the idea that my dad wasn’t the only bad parent in the equation.

I’ve long made my peace with my choice to have a relationship (within boundaries) with my dad. I’ve made my absolute understanding peace with my two older sisters’ choice to not know him anymore. I am deeply sad that my nephew doesn’t know his grandpa for the sorrow that he doesn’t get to have the joy of a good grandparent’s love, but I 100% support my sister’s choice for her young family. I’ve worked so long and been so focused on trying to overcome the negativity that my dad’s mental illness brought into my family that I’ve disregarded some of the more toxic elements of my mom’s codependency and undiagnosed mental illness. She was affectionate, and kind, and showed us unconditional love. So she was a good mom, right? But she made excuses for his bad behavior, refused to call the cops when we were in danger, never reported him for violating his restraining order when *I* called the cops as a child and the state mandated a restraining order for domestic violence. She was (and is) addicted to pills and lies to everyone in her life about it. She’d leave us to fend for ourselves with our violent angry abusive alcoholic father while she went away to the hospitals for extended stays with my older brother since my (11 or 12 year old) big sister was old beyond her years anyway- she could look after the younger 4. Mom took my little sister and I out drinking when I was only 16, and started smoking pot with us when I was 14 and my little sister was 12. She was fun. She was affectionate. She made sure we had some small spots of happiness in our dark, tumultuous, frightening lives- so she was a good mom, right? Right?

I’m rationally aware that she came from a bad household and married into the same dynamic, and that she has been in trauma her whole life. I’m aware that she faced many boundaries. But my sister’s rage that mom never made the effort to take the harder path of leaving for us is valid and unrefutable. My sister’s frustration that mom still has shown no outward sign of interest in growth is painful to acknowledge. I usually ignore my own recognition that mom has totally dismissed the trauma I went through in allowing her (an addict) into my home (with my 10 years sober husband) when she was nearly dying. I developed a facial tic in the months she lived with us from the stress of working full time, going to school, and nursing her back to health daily while she wildly disregarded the simple requests we made for our sense of peace in the home.

The family narrative has always been Dad is the worst and mom did the best she could with a bad hand dealt. But DID she, really? Was that the BEST she could do? Or the least? She chose that life. Day after day. Mom IS the one who raised us to see her as good. How much of my belief is just indoctrination? How much of that belief is denial?