Hi there !
I've been gone for a while, but I just had this urge to write this. For those of you who don't know my story I've had anxiety for about 9 months now. Everything started when My dad was diagnosed with cancer last January 2018. I used to be one of those who made fun of people with anxiety or any other "mental issue", I didn't know what anxiety really was, I was so lost. Anyways... here I am, some days are better than others. I've had several panic attacks, several dark days, several days where I just didn't feel like doing anything, several days where I asked God why this was happening to me, Why did my dad had to suffer and leave us behind this way. I believe we get anxiety because we just want to be strong and we keep everything to ourselves. The other day I just started crying, I actually felt pretty bad because in my mind I was not able to "save" my dad, because I didn't do "enough" for him (I was one of the main caregivers along with my mom) I felt bad, I felt lost. I got to a point in my life where everything was dark( if you know what I mean ) I was constantly worry about having cancer and leaving my family behind, about dying young. Every single physical symptom I had made me very anxious, made me believe the worst. it was a nightmare ! my life was a nightmare, I was not able to enjoy life, it was not me anymore. I didn't enjoy my marriage, my kids, my family , my food, my job, nothing. I was living in a dark cloud where I felt there was no scape. I tried everything, counseling, teas, homeopathic meds, therapy, you name it...I remember one time I even told my husband to kill me if I had any illness( yes he looked at me like if I was crazy). I was so depressed and worried about health. I developed health anxiety and OCD. I went to the doctor several times a month, had many test labs and some hospital visits. Just like many I google symptoms (please don't do the same ) and doctor google said I had colon cancer, ovarian, stomach, TESTICULAR ( I cant have testicular cancer... I am a woman) you name it. I was getting crazy and so depressed with all the symptoms, my mind was telling me to just face it, I was gonna die.(not really ) but how do you shut that little bully inside of you? I was getting more and more depressed. Until one night, I remember I was putting my baby to sleep, I was feeling horrible, I was having abdominal pain and you know.... always thinking the worst, I was crying and got down on my knees by the bed and started talking to God. I told him about what was going on (I know he always knows) I ask him for forgiveness (because since my dad die I stopped going to church and reading bible ) I told him I was tired of feeling scared all the time, tired of living this way. I closed my eyes and felt a presence. I do believe it was him, telling me everything was going to be ok. Since then... my anxiety has diminish by 100000. I started seeing life differently, I started enjoying things again! God was really listening to my prayer. Don't take my wrong.... this is an every day battle, I still get anxious just by listening the word cancer. I still get anxious when I get physical symptoms but now its less. then I realized that no matter what you do to " Fix " you anxiety, If you are not in peace with God, its not really going to happen. So I invite you that if you are a believer to talk to God about your problems, and if you are not a believer then I don't know what to tell you....
I am here if you are feeling afraid or anxious. you can send me a message and we can talk. (Sometimes we just want to talk to someone who really understand what we are going through.)
There is hope !