Hello, it was a nightmare. I didn't want to go to work. I went, there was a meeting, i understood nothing and eventually asked that if i have to call people all day, will they give me a work number. They said no and that if it's a problem to me, they will let me go. My grandpa pays my phone bill. I called him and he said that's fishy. I said sorry but i can't. I really don't want to do the job. Before quitting i texted mom but she didn't respond so i texted grandma. She was mad because she had guests but how could i know and she said "all begginings are hard, i worked for much less". But we don't live in soviet times anymore and she's not paying for my bill. I just screamed. She said "im just a cleaner, ask someone else". I really don't want to do the job. It's too complicated and im not ready to work. I checked on the Bulgarian psychology internship and requested the boss pay me what the government gave her. She said terrible things and insulted me.
Also holidays. With drinking mom, emotionally absent sister if she even comes, and q boomer soviet ableist racist homophobic grandma. Last two years i was just alone in home with mom drinking and abusing me, telling me im a drug addict. Two years in a roll. Chasing me with cabbage juice even in the toilet to prove it's not alcohol (even though i found her alchohol) till i throw up and not letting sis help me, and i was WITH A BROKEN LEG. Everyone else is partying. Then they wonder why im so irritatable. I need to go in c0ma till January. Bad thing that in February sis makes 18, mom might come back, dad stops child support, sis acts on her own. I hate this family and this life. "But you haven't gone to qar or lived on the street". Yes but the complex emotional trauma is finishing me. And Christmas decorations are everywhere
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No_Longer_Human
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6 Replies
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Hi NLH,
I have certain times of year that I struggle more than others. December being one of them, for many reasons. I haven't found an answer to managing them. I love January for this reason, as I know it is over for another year.
I will be exploring different self-care things this year. And if I need to stay in bed and comfort eat for the majority of it, I am going to allow myself to. I am trying to restart my journalling and I'd like to do a small entry morning and evening in December, even if only one word, to find out what may help me in some way.
Am I correct in thinking you have a psychiatrist you are seeing? Maybe she/he can give you a summary of where you are at right now around your mental health.
I see my mental health as fluid. Right now, I am at my worse, but I regard this to be non-permanent. That is what gives me hope to explore what helps me and what makes things worse, with a therapist. I know it is a slow process, but I remind myself to be patient and move along my path of healing. It is a lifelong journey that I feel is so worth it.
That's beautiful. And unfortunately in my country you get to see a psychiatrist only when things go down,they either drug you till you can't do anything but sleep or dismiss you. And that's until it gets bad again and even if it does, they be like "what are you taking? Continue taking it. Bye". I know why i feel so bad. It's childhood trauma, a lot if that im too dizzy to list
We cannot answer your questions for you because none of us is your doctor.
Can you think about the following for me?
-you say that you're not ready to work. When will you be ready to work? I don't want an answer; I just want you to think about this. In your mind, what point do you have to get to before you tell yourself "now I'm ready to work"?
Your worry about getting worse is very valid (as are all of your worries/feelings/emotions). If you think this might be the case, you should get checked out by your doctor.
We cannot diagnose you. Only a doctor can do this.
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