Well just when I felt like I’ve improved on staying mostly ahead one of my bosses’ random mood I was sorely mistaken last night
I’m a hostess/busser at a little restaurant and one of my bosses (actually she’s the owner- not my direct hiring boss specifically) had told me the name of the party I was to collect and lead them to their table so first place I checked was a seating area just in front of where the hostess station is and I called out the name twice and saw a couple sitting there and they confirmed ( a usual protocol so far and nothing out of the ordinary-I’ve done this a million times before) so I lead them to their table and all is well...
Well evidently it wasn’t the correct party that she was referring to. She evidently knows the person I was supposed to sit (I did not unfortunately) and she unfortunately didn’t notice that I had gone straight to the area in front of where she and I were standing and called the name and they proceeded to get up and follow me. Meanwhile the boss lady had gone to the bar area and found the lady that I was looking for and told her and her friend to go ahead and sit but they couldn’t because there were already people sitting there.
So right in front of the whole restaurant she blesses me out demanding why did I seat another party there when (party’s name) was right here.
I was all stuttering and confused because I’d just asked for that same name and the other people confirmed. She just kept acting like she didn’t believe me. I profusely apologized to the correct party (come to find out they evidently regulars and I noticed that I recognized the friend but not her. If it were under the friends name I wouldn’t known the face to look for for sure,but I had no face in my head to the name on the wait list.
They were super nice and laughed good-naturedly about it and sat they’ll just keep waiting over at the bar area and have another drink until the next table opens up and that it’s no big deal.
So my boss leads me to the hostess stations here the wait list is and starts ripping into me pointing at the name I was supposed to call- I said I did call that name immediately after she told me and I looked at the name that was right below the correct one and that they were similar phonically and that the other customers and I both happened to just misunderstand somehow.
She didn’t care and was near hollering at me saying that I should be verifying customers phone numbers before seating them.
I have never been instructed this by the way in the year that Ive worked there more have I see her or anyone do this. There’s no need to obviously unless someone were to accidentally put two of the same first names only under and you have to verify which one they are.
I just said yes mam and let her fuss a bit more then she stomped off to go smoke a cigarette in the back office.
I tried to look ok and not ruffled but my stupid tears started fighting to release and I had to go sneak to the bathroom to try to calm the inevitable anxiety that followed.
Anytime I’m publicly humiliated by someone especially authority figure it sends me into practically instant panic attack- part of the social anxiety no doubt.
The rest of the night I avoided eye contact t with anyone so they didn’t see I was constantly fighting tears. I looked like a whipped puppy it was horrible.
Before the ‘correct’ customers left she saw meat the hostess station quietly preparing menus and what not and gave me a big hug and said to please don’t worry it’s ok and they come here so much it’s practically a second home so it’s no big deal at all to them.
I really appreciated it but I was still feeling the sting of being publicly and loudly berated by the owner.
Shortly after the verbal beating from the owner I went and took a low dose Xanax which helps me when I have these attacks- and it did after about 29 or 15 min - at least it stops the panic mode but that’s it- not the racing thoughts and the reruns in my head and depression for falling victim again to my stupid emotions
The employees were very sympathetic- they said they how she gets. I appreciated the understanding from them, but still it’s just one more thing that keeps my social fear and an anxiety going so strong.
After whenever I have these anxiety attacks I then start to experience what I can only describe as somewhat of a hangover type of feeling but it’s like a deep deep dark depressing feeling mixed which utter shame and guilt and self loathing.
So I ended up later at home doing a little bit of the self harm cutting thing. I can’t do much of that lately (fortunately I guess) because my boy has been off for a week for the holidays and he pays close attention to what I’m up to because I’d confided to him prior about the self harm.
This isn’t the first time the owner has chewed me out in public but it’s been awhile and since the last time prior to yesterday and usually I managed to watch her moods closely and act accordingly- like staying a step ahead of her moods and by no means say anything but pretty much yes mam and no mam.
There’s nothing my hiring boss can really do either because that’s his mom.
Also this is the only job I’ve managed to get after being unemployed for over a year despite that I’d gone back to school after my divans gotten a degree and a couple of diplomas. So I’m not in the position to quit. It wouldn’t be so bad if she didnt randomly yell at me in public like that like I’m a child in trouble or a dog in trouble.
Anyway if anyone’s read this far many thanks to you. If anything at least I’m venting I guess. I just can’t shake that dark depressed shame guilt feeling that makes me want to do the stupid self harming thing.
I’ve been fighting a nasty to boot so at least for today I called in and I’m sleeping all day to recover. I hope things will be ok tomorrow when I go in. I’ll still be respectful to her as usual but it’s just screwed up how she explodes at her crew and acts like it’s no big deal later. 😔😢😠
By the way on top of that I’d seen my counselor yesterday and it’s thought that I have Aspergers (high functioning I’m guessing?) and bipolar. In a month I’ll see the psychiatrist to be tested for bipolar but in the meantime I’m not sure what to do with this information from the counselor.