It hurts

[AnIslandOfPeace]

For some of us, it's hard. Life is really hard and painful. I feel so much pain in my heart right now.. I'm crying for real. Nothing is working; and it feels like nothing will ever work.

I'm in my final year in the University, my 5th year studying Pharmacy. I went through so much in the last 6months of my 4th year. Because of this, I had real fears about coming back to the school environment; what will I face? Can I cope with all that will come my way? Can I survive this final round and actually graduate? What about my relationship, can I keep that intact? I love my partner so much so the last question is really an important one too. But you know, it's extra hard for two people with depression and anxiety to be together. This past week, I tried to stay sane and also be there for my partner but I guess that didn't work.. I'm not strong enough. My lover is going through so much already and I'm adding to it.. that makes me sad. I can't help.. that makes me sad too. Guess what? I'm extra worried that I'm becoming sad and it'll only breed failure for me because now it's really hard to study. My phone is bad too, I can't study. I hate that I'm foreseeing only my failure. It's sad. My head is hurting and I just think about hurting myself physically to redirect the pain.

I promised myself I wouldn't self harm or smoke or drink.. I promised myself I'd stay sane and alive and be my best self for my relationship and my academics but it's just one week, one week and all I think of is.. is suicide.

[Tutttutt]

That's an easy way out and usually a cowards way out .... j know the pain you talk off ...and it hurts so bad from inside ...its the pain that makes you see that there's no way out! It lies ! Talk to family, friends or even support groups ... onces that mood is lifted you,ll think a different way .its hard work but will be worth it so don't give up . 😌

[Nina2016 in reply to Tutttutt]

Tuttutt, Please don’t call people cowards and it’s not an easy way out I’ve never understood why people call people cowards how could that possibly help someone how would you know if you never did it I don’t understand but please don’t call people cowards for this

[AnIslandOfPeace in reply to Nina2016]

It's okay.. I'm probably a coward fr.. I am not strong enough to face my fears.

[AnIslandOfPeace in reply to Tutttutt]

Nothing seems to be working.. not even talking. I don't think people pay that much attention to others now.

[Nina2016]

island of peace it’s OK to feel bad I feel bad to at least you have a lover do they listen and help you do they hold you maybe they can hold you a little bit longer and you can feel better for just a minute I need to stop self harming stop drinking stop smoking I haven’t done a good job of any of that please island of peace know that you’re not the only one and I love you when you can’t love yourself

[Midori in reply to Nina2016]

Think of it from your partner's perspective. How would he feel if you suicided? How destroyed would he be emotionally?

I have been the one left behind from suicide, and It's not easy to cope, suddenly left alone, with all the responsibilities a death leaves in its wake. Police, coroners, hospitals, funerals to arrange, certificates to get and have notarised, there will be a great deal for him to do. I had to do it with two very small children.

Can you put College on standby for awhile? I know some folk do when it gets too intense. Get yourself some therapy, and re start later.

Cheers, midori

[AnIslandOfPeace in reply to Midori]

I can not put college aside.. things work different here in my country.

[AnIslandOfPeace in reply to Midori]

And therapy is rare.

[AnIslandOfPeace in reply to Nina2016]

They listen.. but truth be told, they have most of the ability to make me sad. I don't know if you understand.

[Hidden]

Kindly ignore the person ahead of me saying it’s a cowards way out, they aren’t being very thoughtful or sensitive. I’ve been where you are, in the past I’ve made two serious suicide attempts, I know how it feels to feel like you’re barely surviving. Please try to talk to someone about how you’re feeling that you think will understand where you’re coming from. Also try calling a suicide hotline, you can go on Google and look some of those up. You seem to be under a lot of stress and pressure, is there a counselor at your college that you can talk to? Try to get some kind of help, the sooner the better. Getting seriously depressed can be like a snowball turning into an avalanche that buries you. Please don’t do anything to harm yourself, try to seek people you can talk to. 🙂

[AnIslandOfPeace in reply to Hidden]

I think I really should go back to the counselor.. he helped a little back then. Thank you very much.

[KindredKate]

Sending you hugs. Find someone to talk to regularly. Therapist, counselor, mentor/counselor. It sounds like you can really benefit from a regular meeting with someone to listen while you work your life out, one concern at a time. A support group for stress or a pastoral counselor/confidant may also be a source of support.

We all need support sometimes in this life. Start to look around you & find a person to listen.

It will help you get thru this tough time, which appears to be chock full of stress & pressure. 🤗 Hugs!

[AnIslandOfPeace in reply to KindredKate]

I just want to feel better. I want to be happier.

[Nina2016 in reply to AnIslandOfPeace]

Having just hurt myself with intention I have decided to treat myself as if I am sick. Because I am. That is what mental ILLNESS means. So I am taking very safe care of myself. Cooking gentle foods as if I was physically sick. Making time for naps and calm. Last night I created an artistic sign to help me remind myself of warning signs of crisis episode coming on. I also created a Crisis plan sign so I know options to do and NOT take action. I will post these signs. Take care of yourself because you are I’ll it’s not your fault. Love and hugs

[Daveacr1959]

Get 7-8 hours of sleep each night. Before getting out of bed do the Wim Hof guided breathing exercises free on you tube. In bed or lying down. You can do them before a meal sitting up to. After your shower rinse 5 minutes in cook water. With the goal of cold in a month. Get 40 minutes of cardio exercise daily.

[AnIslandOfPeace in reply to Daveacr1959]

This is a process I can try. Thank you very much.

[Daveacr1959 in reply to AnIslandOfPeace]

Yes, deep breathing and cold water and exercise. Nothing dangerous. And it helps me alot. In the cold water you will want to breathe too fast. Breathe out super slow.. if you breathe out super slow.. all falls in line. And if you want to slowly lower the temperature over a month it’s ok .. you are going for time in the cold . Not real cold real fast.. Google cold shower therapy.. Google benefits of cardio exercise

[Daveacr1959]

Cool water a typo .. Google cold shower therapy for mental health

[kauluwehiokekai]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I've been there so many times. When I couldn't take care of my life, once, I gave in to suicide. My sister found me on the floor. She wanted me to go to the hospital. I refused. But, the next day my mom took me to the doctor. I had to be on meds to control the fear and anxiety I was feeling. I had one of those lectures from my mom that made me ashamed of what i did. I have a scar for life to remind me of that day. Sweetie, the world is a mess but you've come so far in your studies. If you need to rest from school for a semester or even if they offer homeschool, I say do it. Take a break if you must, but please remember to finish your studies. I wish I finished to get my bachelor's degree. Education is super important. Maybe you can talk to your doctor or even school counselor with what's going on? You are someone important. I wish I could give you a hug. No matter what you are important.

I think you were mentioning that you were having difficulties with your other half? Maybe you could talk to him about seeing a doctor too? Or maybe both of you can see someone together? I still have those anxious feelings. For me, I do have times when my meds aren't working well. It helps a lot for me to pray and write in a journal to let just let it all out. But it does help to find someone to talk to. I know these days are not the greatest, but it can be manageable. Just know you're in my thoughts and prayers. Sending hope and encouragement.

[AnIslandOfPeace in reply to kauluwehiokekai]

Thank you very much for the encouragement. I pray I graduate this year. Education is indeed important

[Hidden]

You are stronger than you think. We are all stronger than we think. You can get through this if you just please don't give up. I almost died in ICU from a suicide attempt in 2017. Trust me it's not what you really want. You are loved and your life matters. I understand feeling sad. I get extremely sad myself. I recently lost a friend and am heartbroken, but if it would have been from suicide it would be the hardest thing ever, so please think of love.

The only things certain in this life are death & change. You have time to get better. We all die one day. Why rush? Please please please stay safe. I am here for you.

[AnIslandOfPeace in reply to Hidden]

Thank you very much.

[Hidden in reply to AnIslandOfPeace]

You are very welcome. I hope things get better soon. I love your username. Also, feel free to message me. Hugs! 💚

[AnIslandOfPeace in reply to Hidden]

❤️❤️❤️

[AnIslandOfPeace in reply to Hidden]

I love yours too.