I'm drowning

[NaviM]

I feel like I'm drowning in a pool of people that doesn't seem to care. I've tried everything from therapy, meds, meditations, exercises etc etc etc you name it. Heck I even contacted the Suicide Help line and they couldn't even help me 😞 The ONLY reason I haven't checked out is my girls, specifically my 4 y/o and on the "dark" days, like today, even sometimes she doesn't even help. God I don't know what to do. I was raised in an all man environment where feelings of ANY type were considered weak, and boy do I feel weak! Between the depression, anxiety, fribro attacks and GI problems this fake smile just isn't cut it anymore.

[TopGunGiraffe]

Let yourself feel your emotions. Cry it out, laugh it out, write it out. It's hard and it f*cking sucks to feel down and alone. I also grew up in an environment where my emotions were always suppressed and there was no belief of metal health issues (even though I was a clear example). Try keeping a journal. Write everything down. The good and the bad. Healing takes time and awareness. I am working on this, as well. Try listening to your positive thoughts and use them to snap yourself out of the dark days you encounter. Maybe buy some paint and canvas and when you are feeling down or dark, sit with your child and make art to portray how you are feeling. It is important to feel all the emotions, not just the happy ones. I know it seems cliche, but it's worth it. Keep record of your struggles and go back and read them, editing them mentally so you can find ways to get though it. Yoga helped me a lot when I did it consistently (something I am also working on getting back into my routine). It forces you to be in the moment and to clear your mind. I used to go every time I had bad thoughts, even if it was a little obsessive at times. I hope this helps you even a little bit. Just know that you are not alone. <3

[NaviM in reply to TopGunGiraffe]

Thank you for your kind words. I truly try with all my heart and soul but sometimes it SO. HARD! Sometimes even getting out of bed is hard 😞 I've tried everything, and truthfully..... I feel empty 😶

[TopGunGiraffe in reply to NaviM]

I had a whole two weeks where I could not and would not get out of bed. I feel that 100%. However, I learned after a long hard while that trauma isn't our faults but healing is our responsibility. It's a pain but try anything and everything to force yourself out of bed for at least 5-10 min. Start slow and don't expect things to change over night, love. It's not easy at all. Maybe try getting a pet? Could be anything! Maybe even a goldfish. Something that will RELY on you to get up and feed them or clean them, etc. Congratulate yourself every day for every bit of progress you make. Even things that seem minuscule. It means your headed in the right direction. If you need anything at all feel free to message me and I will be here any time, ready to reply and root for you. Sometimes all you need is someone to see you and help you recognize that you ARE taking steps forward. It takes time and consistency. We have to train our brains to get out of the mental state that they are in and boyyyy is that sh*t hard. I am here for you! rooting for you!

[NaviM in reply to TopGunGiraffe]

Wow you brought tears to my eyes. Thank you and I truly mean that. I feel so invisible and taken for granted that it hurts so bad! I honestly was close yesterday....... But my 4 year old stopped me from doing something stupid. But man it's getting harder and harder.

[TopGunGiraffe in reply to NaviM]

We all need somebody! I'm here. If you ever feel like that again, it helps to talk it out and list the pros and cons of quitting. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for! You are a mom, you have the hardest job in the world. Every day you and your kids should make a list of three things you like about yourself. Teaching positive thinking to them, as you also help yourself. I, too find myself in this place often. It's dark and it's scary but you are here for a reason. You have a purpose even if it isn't crystal clear what that is yet. Your children alone are your purpose. They love you for you. They are young, pure, and innocent minded. They don't see the demons you feel. They value you and look up to you. If you are feeling like you are being taken advantage of, maybe try setting boundaries. I have been reading up on that a lot lately. You are allowed to be selfish and put your happiness first. You deserve to be happy. Everyone does. xoxo

[NaviM in reply to TopGunGiraffe]

Thanks I tried but it got me nowhere. I know I know I sound so negative. My psychologist said the same thing. I also have a 17 y/o and I've taught her everything I know to help me out but as typical teenager she does stuff halfa%% and with my stupid OCD I end up doing it myself. And my husband, soon to be ex, all we do is argue and as much as he tries to "help" he ends up making things worse. And since I have no money or job, well I'm stuck in this hellish groundhog day 😞

I did have an interview recently and didn't get the job so I guess that's why it triggered me this time.

[TopGunGiraffe in reply to NaviM]

You are entitled to feel every emotion you are feeling. If you feel like you are being negative then fine! Turn it into a positive. For instance, I don't see that as negativity. What I see is that you have pinpointed the things that trigger you. Now you know what to address. I want to applaud you because the first step is recognition and that is exactly what I see when you talk about your 17 y/o and what triggered you with your job. A job is a job. Yes rejection is easily one of the worst possible feelings in the world BUT it helps us grow. It sure as hell feels like it doesn't, but it does. Halfa**ing things is what being 17 is all about! It's frustrating as hell but it's a part of learning. I also have OCD and find myself constantly correcting my boyfriend in everything he does if it isn't my way, and it is so frustrating to try to catch myself from doing it. But little by little you realize that you ARE making progress. Sometimes people who don't have (or have not yet recognized their own) mental illnesses, don't understand where we are in our headspace and don't know the right words to help. I thank them for trying, but it is much more helpful when you have support from someone who knows exactly (or close to) how you are feeling. You know? I know it's hard. I am currently working on taking my own damn advice because I still find myself in these unhealthy headspaces that feel like they are on repeat. Just know you aren't alone. You have my support and again, congratulate yourself on the steps you are taking. Recognition is a very important step and it will help guide you to the light. We will never be perfect but we will find a healthy balance and healthy strategies to get us out of the dark places our minds run off to. Step by step, day by day. You got it, sis!

[NaviM in reply to TopGunGiraffe]

Thanks

[TopGunGiraffe in reply to NaviM]

rooting for you. sending love & strength

[NaviM in reply to TopGunGiraffe]

Thanks. Same here 💜

[Tealribbon]

NaviM I'm so sorry u r hurting so badly. I have been in your shoes related to depression and anxiety One thing for sure tho, a weak person couldn't handle everything you are handling. But I bet u r tired. I have a friend with fibromyalgia and it is relentless. Sending hugs your way....

[NaviM in reply to Tealribbon]

Thank you for your kind words. And yes I am BEYOND tired, I honestly don't know what to do. I sure don't feel strong I feel the opposite with a sprinkle of pathetic and worthless. I don't know how much of this I can take 😞

Hugs to you too, thanks I DEFINITELY need a huge bear hug.

[Tealribbon in reply to NaviM]

Keep posting if u can. We are here for you.

[wantobefree]

Hi!! I’m so sorry you are feeling this way! I understand. I’m also here if you need to let things out. I think this is a great place to release everything, here we can connect with people that actually understand and we can help each other.

Hey do you want to tell me a couple of things that you like or admire about yourself?

[NaviM in reply to wantobefree]

Thanks, I'm appreciate your kind words. At the moment, nothing. I'm in such a dark hole that that's all I see right now. Sorry.

[wantobefree in reply to NaviM]

First if all you don’t have to be sorry, I get it. When you are in a dark hole you can’t see the light but at least please remember that there is light.

If you can’t think of anything that you like about you right now, do you think you can tell me something that you remember you liked about yourself?? I know you have memories, I know you can remember when things have been well, go back for a moment and see yourself, tell me something that you liked then.

[NaviM in reply to wantobefree]

The one thing I miss and wish I still had was being happy and carefree. Not worrying so much, not being a germaphobe, not stressing etc. I miss having fun 😞God I truly hate admitting this and feel super guilty saying this because I adore my children they are my ONLY reason for living, but there was a time between 17-20 y/o that I spiralled so bad between drugs & alcohol, before my husband and kids, but that is the only time I was able to get away from these demons and found some kind of peace 😭 God I am such a horrible person for saying that!

All these years I've been able to keep them at bay but when I started therapy again a couple of years ago, they came back with such a vengeance that I just don't know what to do. Pandora's box was open and I was left to fend by myself. All the drugs, therapy, treatments etc doesn't seem to work. Heck I've even tried smudging my house and self but still nothing. Only prayers and my 4 y/o have helped me.

[wantobefree in reply to NaviM]

ah being carefree... yeah! I remember feeling like that too... before kids. When you have children and you have so many different types of responsibilities, one tends to loose that carefree quality. I don't think you should feel guilty by saying that you miss the times before kids, heck! I think in a way we all do. Lets face it, kids are lovely and great but there is also so much you have to think of, so much to take care of. So I think it is ok to admit and saying it out loud. I have said it out loud too and I'll say it again, here it goes: I love my kids but I miss not being able to care about anything!! not having to care for anyone but myself!! … there, I said it. Do I feel guilty? no, I still love my kids and I am happy they are here. I have accepted the fact that I miss being carefree and I have accepted the fact that now I have a lot to care for.

I once read that the problem is that we worry too much, and what is worrying? it is caring too much about things that have not happened yet. Usually it means, fear. When we worry we are in constant fear of the worse that can happen, hence our anxiety. Instead of worrying, we should just live life doing the things that we are supposed to do and if trouble comes, then act on it and take care of it. No need to worry before it happens. I know it is easier said than done, but I try to do that.

I recommend watching some videos from Joe Dispenza, he has many on anxiety, stress, etc etc.

Best to you.

[SuZQ154]

You have tried so many things, so I appreciate your frustration and sadness. So sorry. You are posting and that is wonderful!! And as cliche as it sounds, "One day at a time, one moment at a time."

There is HOPE! I cried every day for two years and thought there was never going to be relief. There was relief. It took time! and therapy! Christian therapy helped me most. Would you consider that?

[NaviM in reply to SuZQ154]

Thanks. I try with all my might to keep hope but it's so hard. Christian therapy? I'm Catholic, I don't know if that would make a difference?

[SuZQ154]

Being Catholic should not make a difference. Catholicism is based on faith in Jesus Christ. And Christian therapy focuses on Godly, Christlike principles. It helped me when going trough something similar. Again, there is HOPE! I know it is hard and that is why we need to reach out to others. So glad you are posting! Please consider counseling. We all need help to navigate our lives in healthy ways.