I am so sick from depression. I’ve written before and thankful for everyone’s response. Just want to paint a clearer picture of my situation

I write with insight, eyes of the heart. I’m no saint. I’m chronically suffering and painfully so with mental health illness. I’m exhausted from my mental anguish, can’t eat in morning (often whole day); sometimes, end up binge eating at night (not good for my figure); very little sleep due to my mind not being able to wrap around this prolonged super storm of assaults and trauma that HAPPENED TO ME!

I am an empathetic person-yes, but because people devastated me to the point of being rendered useless, and very broken, and left to deal with it alone as my friends/family just are unable to help me (either they don’t care; they have jobs, they might not understand, my partner too busy with her own problems). I’m in very deep waters. I used to be an underdog for those of us who have been downtrodden. I’ve paid my dues, my fair share of helping those in less agonizing situations than mine, and nobody knows how they can help me-being that my mind is so messed up, and even though I try to help myself, I’ve surrendered to the FACT THAT I MAY NEVER RECOVER. I’m very hurt and angry; my faith in human kindness is shaken as well, over the actions of people who cause harm to those who without rhyme or reason-do not deserve it (I didn’t). The toxic workplace left me emotionally and physically devastated, and them, the perpetrators, waving their hands in the air running “Scott free” claiming they’re not responsible.

Who wouldn’t fear this happening again as worker’s compensation do not hold employer responsible. I fear I’m not able to work. I have constant dread and pain. No peace only REAL HURT-deep inside-feel it from my very spirit into my bones. I try to shake it off and still the depression, panic/anxiety and dread cling to me. I suppose the key to peace is purity in heart and mind. I try to keep my mind full of good thoughts. I treat those around me with kindness, or practice the golden rule. People scoff and scowl at my heartache worn on my face, and this only makes it worse - I just can’t seem to end its grip.

I’m very upset how sick I have become. I’ve literally been driven into the dirt because of what some men, women - toxic people who have stooped so low and continued on to have done horrible things to me. I feel for others in similar, worse or not as worse circumstances-people suffering with depression and being discriminated against for the illness, I empathize with. Why these things have happened to me, I had loved my job-would have worked until I’m seventy or beyond. Why are there so many assholes in this world who want to hurt me-I try not to think about it as the thought it just leaves me more sickened, but keep being triggered.

Anti depressants (tried them all), either do not work (I understand they work for some people) or cause unbearable side effects. Add that to losing my career because of being bullied out of it and left broken. On top of that losing camaraderie and people I love....I live in a nightmare. I take pain medication for pinched nerves in my back from being thrown around like a rag doll in vehicles at work, driven erratically and dangerously by jerks who wanted to kill me because I did my job well-and they wanted to hurt me so I couldn’t work. I have a good work ethic and protected (when on shift) coworker from bullies who retaliated (using friends at work); after being fired for what they did and then the whole company bullied me (used pet employees to hurt me). My good deeds of protecting coworker were reciprocated with her becoming like the toxic employees who bullied us. I think the insurer of the company using her to get to me as well!? She betrayed me horribly after I went on disability from the mental stress and bullying at work. I feel too ill to work and recognizing it’s not my fault, is not easy, however I DID NOT DESERVE TO BE BULLIED OUT OF MY JOB - and don’t think anybody does. Lost my livelihood to a bunch of clowns at 55 years old. I can’t sleep-too many flashbacks and nightmares. After about 48 hours of sleeplessness, I end up having to take extra sleeping meds, with 400 mg of magnesium, and end up too tired to fight, often wanting to end my life. I need my dog for comfort, and often he’s all I live for as so many people are too apathetic to care. I share my costs with my wife, who tries to understand but she’s in denial about how damaged I was from workplace bullying. Being off work and caring for myself (nobody else seems to care), costs me more because of the illness/injuries that the toxic workplace left me with. My mind and heart are shattered and doctors don’t seem to know what to do. No one wants a “has been” like me around. I’m needing love and friendship. I feel bankrupt emotionally from hate crimes in the workplace and defrauded by worker’s compensation doctor who told me nobody including him won’t help me.

[jkl5500]

I'm very sorry to learn of all your troubles. All I can say right now is that I will keep you in my prayers. I'll be here for a little while if you'd like to talk.

[tamka38]

U have been through a lot. And am sorry u had a rough time at your job. And to be bullied is wrong u shouldn’t have to go through B.S. at your job. U should had reported them. And please don’t beating yourself up is not your fault u should go talk to a therapist and see a psychiatrist

To take something to keep you relax Am here if u want to talk to someone you’re not in this alone we all here and we have

A story to talk u will find a lot of helpful people who would love to help u on this site keep reaching out and please don’t never give up on yourself

[Hidden in reply to tamka38]

Thank you 🙏

[tamka38 in reply to Hidden]

You’re welcome

[Stilltrying_]

I haven't read any of your other replies but you sound exhausted and possibly suffering from PTSD to me. It is horrible to be treated cruelly like this and anger is a rightful response. As well though you need to get yourself as rested as you can and just give yourself time. It comes across that you are wound up really really tight and need to safely just learn to relax a tiny bit, bit by bit and heal from all this stress. Have you tried relaxing sounds to listen to, taking walks (with your dog), being in nature. Just giving it time. Yes of course it is completely wrong what happened to you and also if you relax that will become less relevant.

It's good you are married and it sounds like your wife is supportive. Maybe try and take up some complete distraction from what you are going through now like a gentle exercise programme or painting or something which just calms down your nervous system. Magnesium which you are already taking is a good start as are the b vitamins ( I take berocca), as are just getting out in a park and taking in nature or attempting to draw if you are so inclined or try tai chi or yoga or meditation if that is your bag. If not find something that works for you; could be music, model railways, watching Christmas DVD's or anything at all.

Sorry to hear you are so much at the end of your tether right now. Healing will come in time and space. x

[Quest4peace]

Hi ..I’m new on this site. I can relate to your story as I was bullied out of a business by my own brother. I empathize deeply with you. I hope this forum can help us both. Feel free to reach out and I wish you well

[Mumma_h]

First of all I'll start by saying I believe everything you've written, I have been emotionally and psychologically abused as well. On top of that, double humiliation and heart break by people who don't really understand the catastrophic effect this kind of abuse has. Your words tell me you have most definitely been abused severely. It is beyond me how people can do this , I always put people's best interest at heart and just can't understand how people can do these things. That's something we can be proud of ; caring for others. I've said a few times on this site that I was so desperate for help that i just told most of my family and friends that I was in a terrible way , that I was suicidal ; and desperately needed care love and help . I didn't hold back, I felt so depressed I didn't even care what people thought , I was so frightened of this depression consuming me that I just thought stuff it I need help. And guess what , I ended up with a group of people supporting me , praying for me and loving me. I think it's worth a try . Tell your partner you are in a bad way and you need her to take you to doctor asap!! I started antidepressants too, and I'm sure they're working. Anything that gives me hope helps to restore and heal my brain. Tell your family and friends how desperate you are , you could be surprised at the reaction and who knows, other friends and family might be suffering with depression too and you's can support each other. The last time I got severe depression 5 years ago I mostly kept it to myself and i didnt get much help or compassion at all , and I suffered incredibly, didn't even know it was possible to feel that low.Not everyone wants to do this but my church has been wonderful as well, the prayer team is praying for me . Right now I'll take all the help I can get. You really should be compensated for what you've been through. Any chance of getting a good lawyer and exposing this company?????Heaps of love and understanding to you, I know exactly how you feel ❤️❤️❤️❤️