This place is just too small

[KikiK]

I want to move away from everyone and everything i use to know. I want to relocate to another country and make a new life for myself and my kids. I cant seem to hide away or stop thinking about life lately and how i have taken such beating. I just want to move to a place where no1 knows me and i just make a new life for myself. I have lost my identity... i am a mother, wife, cook, cleaner, uber driver, full time student... i was a daughter to a wonderful mother who supported me but bcoz she has isolated herself from me from reconciling with my husband... for the past 5 months my life has been torture. So hopefully next year when i complete my degree in teaching i can move far away from every1 and leave my problems here and start new. God thats all i want. To be happy again... but that seems like such a thing that i am no longer lucky enough to have

[Hidden]

You said the same thing I’m feeling. I mean what choice do I have? Stay and die a slow lonely death or fly away to another part of the world where no one knows me-only prob is-i don’t want to be alone. I would have to leave my dog behind.

I feel like this is it. That I can’t go on. I want to end the pain inside of me; the depression/anxiety/perpetual panic attacks/ptsd/IBS/emotional and physical pain. I wonder how anyone else feels? I wonder if where I worked until I was 55, where the coworkers physically and psycho bullied and humiliated me into such states of mind, emotional and physical pain, that I’ve wanted to kill myself every day since, and that if I did, and they found out about it, they’d all cheer because I’m gone, and they won’t have to feel in any way accountable for bullying me out of my livelihood, and career that I once loved? I wonder if the woman that I treated like a sister that I loved (and she told me that she loved me deeply) and that I rescued from her toxic workplace and told her she was a beautiful person and treated her like gold, until she started backstabbing me to pieces - if she would be relieved that I’m gone? she played games with my head in an extremely vain and selfish way. I feel that if I kill myself then I rid myself of the dread, the pain, the constant ache inside of me.

Im not a bad person, in fact even the police who investigated the traumatic assaults at my place of work told me I’m a stand up guy-a hero. Why did my friends and workplace not get held accountable for ALL the damages they done to me? I have no job, no home and no family (except for at my workplace -but they’re gone as I can’t work - they bullied me until breakdown and I’m too sick because the toxic workplace injured me more psychologically, emotionally and physically, then people who have a normal like could not imagine. I will relieve society of having to care about another sick person. I lay here and wish that I could wish myself dead.

[KikiK in reply to Hidden]

I can inly imagine what u going thru... its seems so much for 1 person to deal with. But u know what dont give them the satisfaction. It is unfortunate that there are more sick and scary people in the world than those who are loving and caring and kind. It is sad that there is more people in the world who wants to see others broken. Try starting to put the pieces back even if its small tiny pieces. But dont let them break you further. Maybe u should try getting away from these people who constantly bully u into feeling the way u do now. How can u give them the satisfaction? Look for good u have going in ur life. Like your dog, ur health i.e. u not terminally ill, the air u breathe, the blessing of another day. If we start to look at the small blessings in life maybe that will be the stepping stone we need to start putting the pieces slowly back together.

For me tho... i just want to get away from it all with my kids and start a new life for myself. I am VERY SCARED of change and not a GOOD ADJUSTABLE person so i can only imagine if i should relocate to another country how in panic i would feel not knowing any1 or anything but i am willing to make the sacrifice so i can start feeling what happiness is again.

[Pamela2876]

I am so sorry you are facing this. There are times I have felt like I just wanted to escape my life. I went through a lot of difficulties with my husband who struggled with addiction and my family just didn't know how to help. I went to counseling and found support from my church. It is important to reach out to others who understand what you are facing. Have you gone to counseling? My husband and I found a lot of hope and healing and we both stayed right where we are. It was a lot of work but was worth it. I am sending prayers to you. If you'd like some resources I have some I'd love to share! Just let me know!