A Very Dark Place

[NiftyNanSea]

I am a 63 year old female that has suffered from depression and anxiety to some degree my entire adult life. My mother was 40 years old when I was born and suffered severely from what I think was bi-polar disorder. She had a few good weeks but most of my memories are of me sitting in the gray flowered chair with black wooden handles that sat by her bed asking her if there was anything I could do for her. For that reason I don’t believe I ever truly had a bonding experience with her. I spent most of my time alone outside with my imaginary “normal “, or what I perceived to be normal, family. I believe I am at the lowest point I have ever been in my life. I have always prided myself in looking good for my age; however, my last few years of work before retiring were very stressful from having a new boss that wanted to get rid of all of us older ladies so the environment was very hostile. It was during these years that I let myself go and am now at 205 lbs, 40 lbs over my former weight. I want to get back to my former cute self; however, it seems so out of control that I feel like it’s hopeless. I tell myself I have every reason to be happy; wonderful son and daughter, 8 year old granddaughter that thinks I hung the moon, husband that treats me like a queen and suffers with me and some good friends so why do I feel so defeated. My safe place is the bed and when I’m not at my part-time job that’s usually where you’ll find me just lying there crying. I am on several medications for depression and anxiety so why do I still feel this way. I read a post from someone that said I don’t want to kill my self but I am so tired of living this way.

[JAYnLA]

Hey Nancy - you are not alone. At all. Most of us here have moments like what you're describing. Last year I was in a state of terror all day, every day, and it expressed itself in cruel, physical ways. I'm getting better with therapy and some medication. If you're on meds and still in mental hell, please please please talk to your prescriber right away. If you ever need to chat privately feel free to message me. We're here for you Love - and you WILL have better days.

[NiftyNanSea in reply to JAYnLA]

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I am really glad I discovered this support group today. Just knowing you are not alone helps.

[Kat63]

Keep on talking about it - here on this site, and in therapy.

You are not alone.

[NiftyNanSea in reply to Kat63]

Thank you so much. Just hearing from those who know exactly how I’m feeling has made me feel better.

[Agora1]

NiftyNanSea you sound like you are very blessed with family and friends who love and

support you. I think a lot of it may have to do with you being on a different path in life

right now. That happens to all of us when we need to adjust our way of living. I think

you may be in a little slump right now. You can be your former "cute little self" again.

With a little effort, you'd be surprised in how it could change your whole attitude on life.

Find a different "safe" place to go to after work. You've got to get yourself from not going

to bed and crying. Whenever I get in a rut, I always ask myself "Is this useful?"...The

answer is usually "no" and then I look for something more productive to do. This could

be the best time of your life. xx

[NiftyNanSea in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for those encouraging words. I just found this app today and have already received such loving replies to my post. These words from those who understand is what I needed.

[Agora1 in reply to NiftyNanSea]

Keep coming back my friend. We're always here for each other. xx