I feel like everyone says the same cliche things instead of the things that they really think and feel. Not just online but in any social interaction I've had. Very rarely will anyone actually ask clarifying questions or try to further understand me. They say they hear me but they don't actually listen.
Back in February, I went to a psychiatrist appointment, I was in a bad headspace, the medication I was on was giving me panic attacks and I was too depressed to take care of myself. He was asking me some questions and I just stopped talking. He asked me if I heard him and I couldn't make myself respond, I just stared at the wall until the ambulance came. Now I'm like that all the time, I ignore text messages, I walk out of rooms mid-conversation and overall I'm just so tired of reaching out and still feeling isolated.
Something must be wrong with my brain because I can't seem to stop posting on here or journaling. All the words I used to say to other people end up here or in my journal but I'm getting tired of that too. The more I share the more upset I get. I just go in circles trying to explain myself to people who will never listen and trying to work things on paper but I just end up feeling like I'm getting deeper.
Sometimes I catch myself ruminating or having racing thoughts but I can't streamline them. I try to change the topic and my brain will freeze up until the thoughts start again. Mindfulness helps a bit but I can't count and describe things around me forever.
When I feel hopeless here I don't know what I'll do. I wake up every morning and feel completely alone no matter where I go or where I post or who I talk to. No one understands me completely or says anything I haven't heard before. I'm just so tired and I wish my brain would give up already. Journaling and posting is a desperate habit, conciously I don't see any point.
Written by
CroutonBehavior
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I think it's possible that it's not necessarily something wrong with your brain, that you keep posting and journaling... it could be you fighting to sort out your thoughts, and to make yourself understood.
I thought it was profound that you said, "All the words I used to say to other people end up here or in my journal..."
If you feel that no one in your community is listening, it makes sense that you would keep reaching out here (to be heard), or to your journal (to try & make sense of things).
For me, mindfulness isn't so much about counting and describing, it's more about letting yourself be. Decide that for x amount of time you will just be... without judging yourself... just accepting whatever you end up thinking or feeling. If you are able to focus on your breathing -- great. If not, that's ok.
Mantras help me a lot... my favorite is, "I am loved, protected and divinely directed."
The kicker is that it's best if you believe in the mantra.
Even if it's just, "Man, I love soup" . . . the words don't matter. The repetition is the key. It can distract the mind (briefly, of course).
I can relate to you saying that no one completely understands you. It makes me reflect on the idea that maybe no one truly can completely understand us.
when i feel similarly, i try very hard to force myself out and do things. even if i don't want to. even if it hurts. even if I'm frustrated and angry with everything. even if i only want to punch the next human i see or cry or scream or die. for me it's the consistent interactions with the world (not necessarily the people) that creates the new i can engage with, allowing me to remove some power from the old, the rumination, being stuck.
The truth is that even though mental health is talked about more, it is still looked at as a taboo topic to some people. And because of that there are a lot of people in the world who have no idea what to say to someone that is depressed or anxious.
The person who really hears you out has arrived CroutonBehavior! I had the exact same experience when my doctor put me on antidepressants a long time ago. It felt like I was inside of a bubble and could hear the sounds of my family’s voices but couldn’t quite get the meaning. It was like a muffled and confusing sound in my mind. I couldn’t reply to anything they said and I felt stupid and isolated. I solved it immediately stopping the medication, since was clearly no solution at all. (Check with your doctor if you’ve been taking it for a long time before doing it). Then a few years later I needed medication again and my doctor prescribed 3-4 different drugs because my brain kept reacting weird. The last one I took sent me to the emergency room fully convinced I was about to die. She changed it again and then I got super scared of every single sound in my home, even the sound of my own voice or the sound of the light switch when my family turned on the lights started me. It was insane! So… I researched and find out that the hormone estrogen is also prescribed for depression! I asked my psychiatrist and she confirmed that when antidepressants fail, they actually prescribe estrogen to women instead of antidepressants and that calms them down and help them sleep (I had a horrible insomnia at the time). Well, that did the trick for me! I still struggle with anxiety, but for the most part depression and insomnia are pretty much gone, (unless something triggers my depression), and the best part is, I feel normal. I don’t know your gender, but why don’t do some research and see if you can find a better solution that actually helps you? Sorry about the super long reply, I hope it helps!
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I laid in bed all day today, feeling ashamed
How do I make myself feel stronger and happier if everything seems so hopeless 
Sometimes I feel like ........
I need help.
