Am I Selfish For Thinking Like That?

[Ibbi]

So I have been battling bipolar 1 ,and a couple of anxiety disorders for years now ,and it sometimes it gets so unbearable that I have considered suicide ,but never went through with it. Is this selfish of me to think because I'm sick of living like this?

[BonnieSue]

Hi Ibbi,

As a relatively new bipolar II, I believe I understand a lot about your bp I. You have my greatest sympathy for living with what has got to be one of the toughest disorders man could ever have. I only have a minor version of bp and I was hit hard when I acquired it and have finally gotten a decent handle on it after 3 years. But you have an incredibly hard bunch of symptoms and problems to put up with, not the least being misunderstood and subject to things that can ruin your relationships with everyone you've ever known. It's at least as bad as cancer but you get little sympathy compared to cancer. I am very sorry about that. It stinks to high heaven.

Did you mean you HADN'T gone through with suicide? Because it reads that you did try. I think you know what I'm going to say next: suicide is incredibly painful to those you leave behind. Guilt may become an unbearable feeling they have regarding your death. And it's so final. Is your bp well managed or is it possible you need to do more to get it well managed? Is there hope of better therapy or drugs or taking your meds as required for the best outcome?

I hope this is just a very discouraging time for you and with support, you can get past it and have improved health and a better life. Do you have a licensed therapist or counselor to support you? It's a tremendous help! Hugely important in my life. Ok, enough talk from me. I hope to hear from you. Please love yourself, knowing you didn't ask for this mess and that it is a vastly difficult thing to live with but not hopeless.

Hugs, Love, and Blessings...

[Ibbi in reply to BonnieSue]

I'm sorry if my grammar isn't perfect because I have dyslexia. I'm on medication at the moment.

[BonnieSue in reply to Ibbi]

Not to worry, I just wondered about your meaning, not your grammar. I have learning disabled sons and a beloved cousin who's dyslexic. Not an easy thing to deal with either.

[BonnieSue in reply to Ibbi]

So...you feel your medication is working well for you? I don't do what's recommended, myself. I am now awake for day 5 without sleep and I don't fight it anymore. What freedom! I'm not saying this is right for you though...I don't know that at all.

[Ibbi in reply to BonnieSue]

Bonnie my medication work on the mood swings ,but they do very little about the unbearable anxiety at times.

[BonnieSue in reply to Ibbi]

So why isn't your doc treating the anxiety which can be torture by the second?

[Ibbi in reply to BonnieSue]

I have PDD NOS which is a mild form of autism ,and one of the symtoms of autism is anxiety disorders like OCD ,GAD ,and social anxiety which I have all of them.

[BonnieSue in reply to Ibbi]

OK, but meds for anxiety are prescribable...I'd been on them for years and years besides my antidepressant for GAD. Why couldn't you?

Thanks for the info; my 1 niece has OCD and Asperger's but I never knew the relationship.

[Ibbi in reply to BonnieSue]

I'm pretty scared off the side effects on certain medication. I went on Olanzapine ,and I got to 290 pounds ,but then I managed lose about 20 pounds which was pretty darn difficult. I don't know if anxiety medication make you gain weight ,or what the side effects are.

[BonnieSue in reply to Ibbi]

Olanzipine is an antipsychotic for bipolar disorder and others.

SSRIs and SNRIs and benzodiazepines are commonly used for anxiety. Benzodiazepines are mild tranquilizers that are the most effective but can be habit-forming or cause memory loss after many years of use. SSRIs and SNRIs are commonly used for depression with anxiety. Anxiety that's very manageable. That does not include a major anxiety disorder of which is GAD. OCD is somewhat different and social anxiety is the GAD focusing on 1 thing to rescue your brain from constant anxiety...which I realize is not working.

I was on a benzo for many years because of the GAD being so severe a thing. After 15-18 years I started memory problems. You might be able to take it short term, but it's GAD...I am not sorry I took it because I needed it to function and not be anxiety ridden. I also wasn't addicted and took myself off of it when I could but I took my time. I'm bipolar but take an SSRI or SNRI because it helps. Possibly you want to try one of these types. Possibly that's why I got off my benzo. Your doctor should be helping you with this issue, to select the right drug for you because we're all different.

[Ibbi in reply to BonnieSue]

He offered medication for my OCD ,but I decided to try to just use ERP instead.

[BonnieSue in reply to Ibbi]

Please tell me what ERP is?

You mean he doesn't understand that the GAD is very serious also? He only thinks that way about the OCD? Being bipolar is often accompanied by a major anxiety disorder like GAD. The literature calls it a MAJOR anxiety disorder.

[Ibbi in reply to BonnieSue]

ERP is treatment for OCD that used for OCD ,and here's how it works. If I have the compulsion to check if the door is open which I had to ,what I basically do is I don't check ,at first you'll get anxiety ,and then the anxiety will lessen more times you do it ,that's ERP in a nutshell.

[BonnieSue in reply to Ibbi]

It sounds a lot like desensitization. How I got myself to speak or read in small groups. So it's non-meds. It can work great for some people some of the time. Maybe more if they try it. How has it helped you so far?

[Hidden]

I am not BP. My issues are anxiety / depression. But I do understand the suicidal thought process. I hid it from my family, other than my Mom, for years. Even into my 30s and 40s I would show up at my parents house at 1 or 2 am and kneel beside her in the dark and say I don't want to wake up in the morning.

I was fortunate to have an incredible loving and caring Mom and family.

There are several articles regarding suicidal thoughts and the calming effect of deciding to give up. I can honestly say, and have told those close to me, that I do use this type of coping mechanism when I am overwhelmed. It sounds crazy but I understand the need in myself and others to escape the burden of mental turmoil.

But as BonnieSue pointed out, what is the affect on those you leave behind. I lived my first 20 years knowing I would never hurt my Mom in that way.

At 20 I became the proud father of my son Dustin and he became the reason I endured the darkest times. He is now 27 and on the day I joined this site, 3 days ago, I told him that he, without knowing, had been the rock I held onto in my mind. I will spit in the face of Satan before I leave my child with that guilt.

Find your strength wherever you need to find it.

The thoughts are normal and can be cathartic when your on the edge.

Just never make it final.

After reading posts for a few days I see that everyone here who posts regularly has very positive days...and extremely dark days. It is so easy to forget the positive days. Try and remember those days.

Another member posted a quote which I wrote down and intend to try and honor:

Talking about our problems is an addiction.

Break the habit.

Talk about your joys.

As with everyone here, you are not alone. It would break my heart to lose you or anyone else who came here seeking help and hope...to know that I failed you.

You matter.