What to do?

[KikiK]

So my mother and husband refuse to speak to each other and both expect me to cut the other out of my life. Which i feel and know is totally unfair. I am married 12 years have 4 kids and yes my marriage has been very hard. Some even ask how i could stay in it so long. But there has been good times alot actually. But what actually has me confused and upset actually is that because i chose to stay and work on my marriage my mother has decided to cut me out of her life. She doesnt call anymore i make the effort coz i feel it is the right thing to do. She has also supported me financially in alot of things and now she cuts that off... which i tried in the beginning to get thru without her support but at times it was tough and i had to use her support money to get food on my table for my kids. But i just feel my mother is making things so hard... like why come down on me with a iron fist becoz i chose to want to work things out with my husband . Its just so frustrating and i had tried to talk to her about my feelings but she just screams at me and calls me disgusting and pathetic to want to stay. Like no1 understands the amount of pressure it takes to look after 4 kids. I am not talking about money wise but just the emotion behind it. I am seeing her tomorrow and i dont know if i should bring up the topic or just let time handle this wound right now. Coz i know she will never see my reasoning. She is a very strong person e.g. she has always been independent from a young age and never needed any 1 to look after her financially i was an only child for 20 years. My mother has been married 3 times so her values are just different to mine. And bcoz she strong willed she doesnt see why i cant be she says "i cant believe i had a daughter who is so pathetic like you who would wantto stay in that environment and with that man. You have no dignity, You are a weak person!' Honestly i just throw my hands up coz i am emotionally physically mentally spiritually draining from all this drama in my life.

[jkl5500]

Can you arrange to see a therapist to help you work through all this?

[KikiK in reply to jkl5500]

Nope i wish i had 1 tho. But where i am they are very very expensive.

[jkl5500 in reply to KikiK]

You might want to check online to see if there are any free mental health clinics in your area. You are going through great stress right now, and you could use some professional help and support.

[AZ1970]

Wow. You have so much going on. No mother should ever say that to a child, no matter how old you are. Perhaps you need to step away from her. She is trying to control you with her anger and disapproval. Kudos to you for putting effort in to your marriage. Four kids is a lot of work. Focus on your needs. Give yourself permission to be your own person and to make your own choices.

[sadBluebell]

--I am so sorry to hear your situation. I have 2 sisters that no longer have a relationship with my mom, because my mom tries to be so controlling in their marriages ( i'm not married, so have not suffered this way myself). However, i can see the devastating effects it has on my sisters.....It is so unfair for anyone to demand for you to end a relationship, to keep one with them.........it is so selfish.......if someone really loves you, they want to be in a relationship with you, no matter what.......they will love you despite your choices being right or wrong. So you are correct. You are being treated unfairly on both sides. I'm sooo sorry. Both of my sisters decided to end the relationship with my mom, because their husbands demanded it, since my mom spoke so badly about them............i don't think there is a good answer, except, you have to take care of yourself first......especially when no one else is putting you first.

--I believe my mom has this terribly negative attitude because of suffering sexual abuse from her own father, that my grandmother did not stand up to or protect her from, despite knowing what was happening. I think this has made my mother 'hyperactive' against my sister's husbands making any mistakes -- almost like my mom has 'alarm bells' go off all the time, because she does not ever want to be like my grandmother and pretend everything is 'fine'. My mother is also on her 3rd marriage. I am currently encouraging her to see a therapist to resolve some of her childhood trauma -- and i am hoping that will help her be more normal again with my sisters.

--Good luck with your mom and take good care of yourself : )

[KikiK in reply to sadBluebell]

SadBlueBell thank you for your response. Although it has made me feel for you and your family and your mom over her own issues. I can only imagine and understand why your mom is the way she is... our childhood does sometimes have a huge effect on what adults we become. Maybe thats why i value keeping my marriage bcoz i have 4 kids and want them to have what i never had a father. Even without having a father my mother raised me and gave me an amazing childhood where i never felt i missed out but thats not what i wanted for my kids.

Thank you i hope 1 day we will be in a world where all people are just understanding and supportive of 1 another becoz then we wouldnt have to take medication to sleep or for anxiety i just feel people should step outside of their own shoes and step into the shoes of people who are dealing with alot in life and be more sensitive towards that.