Do you have the same thoughts

[mikeski1956]

I was wondering if anybody was having any thoughts like I do,

firstly I have noticed I have started talking to myself quite often, I also have thoughts about killing myself thinking how easy it would be, jump of a bridge, while driving turn into the path of a lorry, drive into a wall how easy it would be.

Just think I'm worthless and a failure, failed my family, failed at work, failed at everything, even fail to manage my diabetes, to cut it short I'm a failure, and life not worth living, I got no life any way so might as well be dead.

I had returned to work thinking I was ok but alas no second week in and had argument with a manager who contradicted me, so of I went into a rage shouting and swearing in the office, so ended up in the office with the line manager telling me it was unacceptable behaviour in the office.

I have issues from my childhood with people in charge not believing me, in short I was in a care home in Scotland run by a religious order, in short I was abused mentally, physically and sexually, (from 4 until 10) when telling the nuns they disbelieved me and all I got was a clout or beating for telling lies, no one would believe me, so this is why I have a problem with people who don't believe me, especially when I'm right.

so you see I might as well be dead, I'm so worthless there's no point in being alive...

[fauxartist]

what happened to you as a kid was not your fault, you did not do anything to deserve this, and you are not to blame or to be ashamed of what some monsters and bad people did to you. You were just a kid.... When we repress our anger around our boundaries being crossed in a way so horrific as abuse, it festers into rage, and emotional outbursts. And unless we get help sorting out what happened to us....we internalize and blame ourselves and self loathing beats us up in life. We feel like failures because often we have such an emotional roller coaster of feelings that can be triggered easy as we are damaged, but not un-able to find a way to start healing.....we live with this damage and it can destroy relationships all around us....but it's based on un-resolved issues from the abuse we endured as kids. Most of us who were abused were told we were at fault, we were dirty, we were asking for it, we were the ones taking responsibility for the actions of monsters and it was all a big lie..... stop believing it now.... you didn't do anything wrong, you did not deserve this, you were just a kid....

I got into therapy, got into some group help, and I will always be a work in progress but I promise you....if you do the work....and try.... your life can get better...

[Hidden]

I also feel like a failure and have suicidal thoughts. I have been open with those close to me and have tried to explain that when things reach a certain point, suicidal thoughts have a calming affect.

It is very hard to explain to people who are not at the mercy of their own thoughts.

You are mot alone and need to know that. We all came here for a reason. We want help with our issues.

I joined this morning hoping for some insight, or to speak with people who understand.

You, me, everyone here is reaching out. That demonstrates a desire to live...to get better.

[SoberDrunk1]

Eckhart Tolle in his book power of now talks about how our mind could be tormentor of us. We dont need any external person to bully us. I could totally relate to what he says. Started using the techniques he mentions in the book. Simple things like accept the way we are and work on the good qualities within. Be of use to others. When he says "it is as it is, see how the mind labels it". So true. Be the observer. Slowly the "voice in the head" will subside because we are accepting things the way it is.

[Concernedparent23]

I believe in you.

I think you’re amazingly worthwhile and capable to have got this far in life whilst carrying the enormous wrongs that were done to you when you were only a child.

[mikeski1956]

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words, I know I was only a child, but it doesn't make any difference, I am still feeling the effects from it all.

I find it ward to make friends, socialise, speak to people in authority, and if they don't believe me I get very annoyed and angry with them.

[kenster1]

pretty much everything you have written is what I went through when I was younger right through to my current life.reading your post again takes me back just not right what happened and still happens today.