Here I Go Again

I am anxious today. Fear is the source. I decided that I would jump back on a horse that common sense says I should put out to pasture. I joined not one but two dating communities. Along with the standard vulnerability, fear of rejection, inferiority, fear of poly-victimization at the expense of Machiavellian trolls that lurk in those spaces comes a fear of my own judgment and tendency to sabotage my own relationships.

I know that fear sends me into catch-22 behaviors which ultimately become my own undoing. I wear masks to become the standard of acceptances, and then once settled into the relationship when familiarity breeds all manner of comfort, I take the mask off only to find that the revelation is NOT acceptable to the other person.

This time around, I have determined to be to mine own self true. That is causing my anxiety to chart higher than it ever has. I have spent so many years masking, that I am not even sure that I know who the real me is. Do I like that person? Did I ever like that person? More to the point will anyone else, or will I retreat behind the castle wall, raise the drawbridge and unleash the dragon in the moat that surrounds my heart?

For my fellow music lovers out there who find solace in lyrics, I am quelling my anxiety today listening to Walker Hayes. The song is “Halloween” Feel free to You Tube.

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Hi Auberie your post suggests you are an intelligent and witty person so you’re off to a great start. Removing the mask may sound terrifying but the alternative leads to shallow relationships with folks who are more concerned with you being what they want you to be instead of who you truly are. Yes, you may have a few issues, but who doesn’t. So saddle up my friend and enjoy the ride.

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You rock Maddisun! And Thank You!