I am new here. I just want to feel al... - Anxiety and Depre...

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I am new here. I just want to feel alive again.

eve2020 profile image
20 Replies

I am a 23 year old woman who has major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I have been dealing with depressive since the age of 12 and anxiety my whole life. I am currently a graduate student studying general psychology. I find it ironic that I am studying the area I have the most trouble in. There is humor in that last sentence. I know I studied psychology in my undergrad to make sense of my disorders and know exactly where they came from. I still don't know. I am so depressed right now and have been the entire time I have been in school for about the last two years I don't feel I have really learned or absorbed any information. I have just gone through the motions.

This year alone I have gained over 30 pounds because I simply don't have the energy to care. Food brings me comfort and when I feel sad or anxious I eat. It is definitely not continuous but when I do eat I make poor choices. This makes me disappointed in myself because last year I lost over 30 pounds and loved the way I looked and felt. I have grown because if this would have occurred a couple years ago I would have been hysterical, but at this point I am just acknowledging I am overweight and unhealthy.

I don't usually leave the house unless its for school, grocery shopping, or to spend time with my family. I have a boyfriend who I am happy with and i am thankful for him. Except, he has no experience with mental illness and has no idea how to even deal with someone just being a little sad. Hence why I am here. I have no friends. I am not a social person because of passed experiences with friends who have turned out to be bad friends. I feel alone in my disorders. I feel like a failure. If I had any real skills I would go to school one class at a time and get a job, but I have a fear of failure and I cannot emotional keep it together to even leave my house. I need help. I just want someone to help me.

20 Replies
sadskies00 profile image

I’m not sure how much help i can offer but you’re not alone in your feelings. I am currently in school but i literally am having the hardest time making it through. My boyfriend just dumped me because he said he was tired of dealing with me in my depressed state and i have few friends, and the friends i do have either don’t know about my depression or don’t even check up on me. I always feel alone. My family doesn’t even acknowledge my mental health struggles. at this point, idk what to do

eve2020 profile image
eve2020 in reply to sadskies00

I think I joined this platform because i was tired of feeling alone in my feelings so it really does help when you say that. Thank you. Your now ex-boyfriend then didn't deserve you and all you have to offer if he can't help you during a difficult point in your life. I understand the school thing. I am in graduate school getting my masters in Behavioral Sciences and it requires a lot of time and devotion and to pull those two things out of myself is almost like taking life out of me. I do it, but I don't know how. What are you studying? My family goes through the same thing I do. My mother is on the same antidepressant as me and we can relate with out feelings. My father on the other hand is probably like your family. It's so frustrating to feel so much pain and just want those you love to try and help you. I know you should not give up. Have you been to therapy?

sadskies00 profile image
sadskies00 in reply to eve2020

Yes, you’re definitely not alone. Thank you for your kind words. And that’s really admirable that you’re going to school for such a demanding field of study. I am an undergraduate student, but still currently undecided in my field of study. Maybe English or journalism. And yes i have been to therapy and am currently in the early stages of going consistently. i won’t give up, and you don’t give up either! you have so much going for you.

eve2020 profile image
eve2020 in reply to sadskies00

It is demanding, but I don't think it demands a lot of respect or more so people don't give it respect. It's a combination of criminology, psychology, anthropology, and sociology. People think I am in school to be therapist and yeah lol I good. No thanks. Those are both really good degrees. English would be a really good one, but journalism sounds so exciting. Do you feel the therapy is making a difference? I just had to find a new therapist because i no longer felt it was doing anything for me. You also have a lot going for you. You are putting abbey step forward to find peace and happiness.

waterbear29 profile image
waterbear29 in reply to sadskies00

Hello My name is David and I know exactly how you feel, I've gone through incredible hell too. Cheer up because you will definitely get out of this. It's extremely tough but youre a warrior and the storm will fade one day

Chanshan profile image

Sadskies00 is right. we are all in the same boat and trying to survive. It has been months since I enjoyed even my meal. Absolutely no joy in life. It is just pain due to depression.

You are quite young. Stay strong and complete your collage and get a job. Don't fear jobs. Jobs are not difficult once you get used to them.

There is no point sharing our pain with people who don't understand. They make things worse.

Hang on... and good days will come.

Dolphin14 profile image

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. Are you in therapy? On meds?

One thing I can assure you is that when you get out into the work force you are going to be fantastic.

You have " walked the walk" so when you " talk the talk" you are really going to have an impact on peoples lives.

Your words will help so many.

Please seek help and take care of yourself.

eve2020 profile image
eve2020 in reply to Dolphin14

I am currently on Lexapro 5mg. I was on Wellbutrin, but I might as well not be taking anything. I was in therapy, but I decided to find another therapist. I just got health insurance so thankfully my new doctor referred me to both a counselor and psychiatrist. I don't see the psychiatrist until the first week of the new year because I am a new patient, but I see my new counselor next week. I am very excited. My focus is social issue and poverty and overall social matters so I have definitely lived that life. Most people think I want to be a therapist, but that is definitely not the case. Though I think this personal experiences of anxiety and depression will allow me to relate to others so much.

Dolphin14 profile image
Dolphin14 in reply to eve2020

So glad you have appointments coming up and I wish you well with those.

Absolutely you will bring this experience with you to whatever job roll you take on. Knowing this side of things and the struggle it entails will help you relate in ways others can't.

LadyO4 profile image

Welcome to this page - we are all here because we care about our lives and each other. Being human and being alive means we carry imperfections and limitations and the disappointments that come with them. But thankfully, God has given His wisdom to functional doctors and other professionals who have taken the time to grasp the origins of these types of problems. Sometimes help is closer than we think, but we stay feeling helpless because we don't know where to look for it.

I want to encourage you sweetheart that what you share is a byproduct of things from your past that brought you to this place. It could be a mixture of unmet expectations, medical issues, broken relationships, personality type, poor diet and lifestyle, lack of exercise, brain waves not firing properly, hormonal imbalances, genetic predispositions, etc. The list goes on.

What might be helpful for you is to take a close look at what has gone on in your mind, body, soul, and spirit from the past and give each one its due attention. You see, they all overlap, so when one is hurting, they all hurt. The effect each other in very profound ways. Conventional medicine would like to see you take a drug to get you back to feeling good. But you are worth so much more than a drug. You deserve to know what is going on inside you and why.

You have a lot going for you so please don't ever minimize your full potential. There are ways to overcome obstacles and make some changes - try to believe you don't have to stay stuck.

I am speaking from experience when I share all this with you. They are not ideas I yanked off a page of a book somewhere. I have lived through the same feelings you have and with the right kind of help, have become a different person.

I think it's good that you reached out for help. We all have to start somewhere. Are you talking to anyone about this? Do you have someone you look up to and respect more than others? Someone who could listen with their heart? If not, I would be happy to send you a link so you can find someone in your area - at least a counselor type of person. Next step would be to locate a "functional" doctor and set up an appointment. There are multiple reasons for going this route.

My heart hurts that you are under this heavy weight. I sure hope you feel free to write back if you'd like.

eve2020 profile image
eve2020 in reply to LadyO4

You sound like one of my psychology professors. It all comes together and correlates in the end. I am conscious of my past and upbringing and my refusal to no longer ignore it is the reason behind my harder than usual times currently. I am in therapy and on medication and feel I am taking the steps to better myself. Drugs are currently necessary for me, but it is my hope that in the future I can no longer need to take them, but if I must continue to take them I will easily accept that. I will do whatever is necessary to fall in love with life again. Thank you for your kind and sweet words. They are so greatly appreciated. I hope you have a beautiful day wherever you are.

LadyO4 profile image
LadyO4 in reply to eve2020

Thanks for writing back. The reason I emphasize the importance of a person's past is because of what emotional experiences do to a person and the way they are stored in your brain. Then, as a person gets older, the slightest hint of a past negative situation sets into motion the same response, and they are powerless to stop it or reverse it.

If you ever get a chance, read up on some material by Niki Gratix. drhedberg.com/adverse-child...

I did an in depth study of hers on how the brain stores emotions in our memory - the most fascinating bit of information I had ever heard.

The good news is that our problems can be reversed.

Rachel2535 profile image

For 25 years I dealt with depression and suicidal ideation. I still struggled with it going through school to be a counselor so I get the irony in that. What I have learned through the years is that if you don’t deal with the body, mind and soul healing can not truly happen. So many times that is forgotten in psychology. A lot of my issues stemmed from abuse and it wasn’t until I allowed God to take that pain help me work through it. The book Mending the Soul by Steven Tracy was a super help to me. Praying for you. -Rachel

eve2020 profile image
eve2020 in reply to Rachel2535

I love you mentioned your irony part. I have classes with those in my schools clinical psychology and counseling program and I still feel I can't mention anything about my conditions. For most of my life I have kept trying ti push away my trauma and the damaging events in my life, but for awhile i have refused. I cant ignore the wound anymore. Hence why I think I am the unhappiest I have been in awhile. I am getting there. I will get there.

Rachel2535 profile image
Rachel2535 in reply to eve2020

You will get there and I have learned it is nothing to be ashamed about we are all broken. Staying quite about it only adds to the trauma and pain. Keep working through it....I am still praying for you. -Rachel

waterbear29 profile image

Hello Eve, I have gone through that as well and I know it's true hell. This suffering won't be forever, you will get out of this. Just don't give up

Kainan profile image

Hi there. I know school can be really demanding, and I would always advocate to stick with it, but if you are struggling to the extent you say you are, is there a possibility that you can take a year or two off. You could travel, or get some work experience at something you really care about. Getting a masters and doing graduate study is not something you necessarily have to do and complete right this moment. I know several people who have taken time off and I have done the same. A lot of times, the stress and the monotony weighs down on you, and no matter how hard you try, like you say, you just go through the motions and the information just doesn't stick. So, think about it. It might be something you need right now, and don't even realize it. Just a suggestion. I'm here if you need anything

eve2020 profile image
eve2020 in reply to Kainan

I took about six months off from about mid December of last year to mid June of this year. I really enjoyed just working, but I started something and I want to finish it. Furthermore, my father is paying for school while he is financially able to and I want to get this done while I don't have to take out any loans. I am trying to get it while its good is the expression I am looking for lol. Believe me I want the work experience because I have spent the last 23 years of my life in school and I am truly over it. I truly feel if I quit now I will not go back. I see the mothers, wife's, and career women around me and I don't understand how they can do it. It is my hope that going part time will allow myself to absorb the information more easily. I am hopeful. It is worth a shot. I feel it is best for me to just do the damn thing and get her over with lol. I am the type of person were I have to convince myself life is not a race. I have very high expectations for myself, but furthermore I was so bored when I was just working. I missed school terrible. I have six classes left. I have completed seven classes in about five weeks and thus I am over half way. Overall, I am going to see how next semester goes with being part-time. Now if next semester is a failure as this one has felt like then I will just force myself to take a break. Thank you for your concern and advice. It is very much appreciated,

Have a great day or night wherever you are.

Kainan profile image
Kainan in reply to eve2020

Yeah, that's great! You're almost there. Don't give up. You go girl!

Chloepitbull85 profile image

I've been going thru it since 2008 but im pushin thru every damn day at work when im workin it goes away

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