How can I deal with toxic people and what can I do to avoid getting depressed because of it?

[Hollstein]

I've been dealing with a lot of toxic people lately and I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm trying not to listen to it, but it's been hard and sadly I can't just not talk to these people, because most of them are my family. What can I do?

[Strongheartforever]

Find positive voices that are more enlightened and get those voices in your head. Become like them, become strong and stand up for what you believe in. There’s plenty of badness and weakness all around us but the same goes for goodness and wisdom. Emulate those you admire and pray the toxic ones will find their way out. When you find someone worthy, reach out and make a connection. Good folks appreciate that invitation for friendship, won’t turn you down and won’t let you down. One good person in your life is a friend for life. It’s a beautiful thing.

[Hollstein in reply to Strongheartforever]

I have a couple of friends that always makes me feel better and loved, but I seem to forget about it from time to time and I have difficulty to talk to them about my mental health issues. They didn't know about my depression/anxiety till last summer, and I still find it hard to open up, even though they are the only ones I can count with.

[Strongheartforever in reply to Hollstein]

You’d be surprised how many people suffer with their pain like you do, like I do, in silence. So go to those friends, and tell them you need them because if they are good people they will send you their love and offer to get together, just don’t expect a parade. Everyone is busy with their lives but to have a friend hear you and take the time to care, that’s a huge gift! And we are here too and we care. Just knowing you have someone to talk to can be the difference between utter loneliness and a sense of peace. But you must reach out, even though you feel so weak. It’s in your weakest moments sometimes when you are the most beautiful because you are open and the love can really pour in and heal your tears.

[Hollstein in reply to Strongheartforever]

Thank you! That's the thing, my friends have a busy life and sometimes I feel like I'm wasting their free time with my problems, but I'll try and talk too them, I really need them right now.

And I feel grateful for this forum, it's been helping a lot and I do feel less alone because of it.

[Strongheartforever in reply to Hollstein]

You can keep talking here if you want. I’m a friend. More will come. I also am grateful for this forum and feel less alone because of it. You can message me too. It’s so cool how, by holding someone up who is suffering, just sending them love and support, you can heal the human heart. Thanks for being here. Keep fighting for what you know is a better life. The toxic ones will come around in time and follow your lead.

[Sprinkle1]

Hello, you sound like a young lady, I feel for what you are experiencing, I learnt in therapy, the best thing to do with toxic people, that includes family, is to stay away from them. If you can talk to them and tell them what you need, and they listen yes great. But if not, do Not feel guilty, you have your mental health to take care of, and no one else will do it for you. People are frightened of us that have mental health issues, I forgive them and move on. See if you can find a support group in your area, they are wonderful, if you can afford it go to therapy, you are a wonderful and special person and deserve a happy life. Believe me, I have suffered, but now I am free, I suffer from Bipolar 11 and the mood swings, I have learnt to deal with them the best I can, I have few friends, but I also have a great psychiatrist and MD, I live a happy life and am content with my own company. Remember, We are born alone and we die alone, so therefore we spend a lot of life alone, for no two of us are the same, finding someone to gell with is not easy, so give up looking, it will happen when you least expect it. I wish you well, remember to put You first, love yourself and protect yourself. I send you Love & Hugs. Sprinkle 1..........xx

[Hollstein in reply to Sprinkle1]

Thank you Sprinkle1! I am young indeed, I'm 21 and still live with my parents, which it turn things slightly complicated, they are always fighting and yelling and saying mean things... I try to ignore the best as I can but I feel like I'm gonna explode someday.. and I don't really want that.

It's hard to get help around here and I don't really know where I can find support groups, actually that's the reason I found this forum, and it's been good for me.

[Indigojoe]

you watch youtube videos about narcissists and learn how to disengage from anybody else's drama.

Have no expectations from them and learn how to be in GOOD relation to yourself.

[Hollstein]

I'm trying to manage the last part. I feel like I'm in a war with myself everyday, and it only gets harder.

[Indigojoe in reply to Hollstein]

Get OUT of the house as much as you possibly can, and turn OFF your smartphone 4 hours a day.

Get to a library. Honestly, library's are full of dream making material, stories of other people who have conquered problems bigger and harder than yours.

YOu can become the great observer there, watching kids play, other people deep into a book.

GET OFF of your screen and out of your house.

That alone starts the healing.

Listen to books on tape at the library about topics that you want to learn about, or just a good mystery story. BUT do it in a neutral place and NEVER turn your smartphone on while there, ever.

take a bus or walk if you have to be get to a local library

IndigoJ.

[Hollstein in reply to Indigojoe]

That's a great idea, I've been swimming a lot and going for long walks with my dog, it's always great! And I'm trying to study more, to keep my mind elsewhere.

Thank you for the advice!

[Sprinkle1]

Remember You are Not responsible for your parents actions, some couples are loud and verbal. Do your best to ignore them. Go to you room, take a walk, do not take it personal their behavior. One day you will be able to leave their home and be out on your own, until that time you need some coping skills, like I said, go to your room, play some music, read a good book, go online talk with friends or play games. Put cotton in your ears. They will run out of steam. If they threaten you, or are violent with you seek outside help, do you have a relative you can go and stay with? I understand life has to be confusing and scary but it will pass. Do all you can to protect your health in every way. I wish you well and send you love and hugs, a non shouting Sprinkle 1......xx

[Hollstein in reply to Sprinkle1]

It's complicated.. My parents fight since I was a kid, I remember things like me trying to distract my little sister when they were fighting and threatening each other.. it was tough, it still is, some things happened in one of their fights and because of that I have panic attacks when they start to get too loud. I can't go to my relative's place cause I'm not too fond of them neither.. but I try to go out with some friends everytime things get too agressive.

I think I've been surviving from music and games, really. Also I read a lot, that's a great distraction, but sometimes I just can't keep it cool.

[Hidden]

I can relate very well to what you are going through.

I myself was surrounded by very toxic family members, members who were supposed to my rock and support, like my sister and mother. Unfortunately all they did was take advantage of me and treat me badly. I did a lot for them, always went out of my way, only did good things for them, and all they did was put me down, make me feel like I wasn't good enough, my mom openly showed favouratism yet constantly denied it. The horrible things she would say to me, I really didn't deserve. All Pathetic!

I was so dedicated to my family that I was willing to overlook all this. But then something happened which I truly feel needed to happen to open my eyes and make me realise, that I didn't need them, and I didn't need how they made me feel, how they treated me, I didn't deserve it at all. And after a very bad fight, I decided to cut them out of my life. It was a very big struggle for me, I constantly analysed everything from past to present, trying to figure out what I had done so wrong to deserve what happened and how they constantly treated me, but couldn't find anything that I had done wrong to deserve it. I have been processing and working through my emotions and the fact that I no longer (in my mind and life) have a sister and mother, it was a choice I had to make, for almost two years now, and I won't kid you, it has been very hard on me. I have made peace with my decision, and have even forgiven them. But don't want them back in my life, because they don't deserve to be there, no matter who they are!

We can't feel guilty about the decisions we make if they are for our own good, no matter how ludicrous or hard they seem. You are a person who deserves to be treated with respect, and deserves to feel good and be made to feel good. You deserve to be happy, and if people (doesn't matter who), are not making you feel that way, then they don't deserve to be in your life. People are people, we don't choose who we are born to, but we can choose if they are right for our life! Just because they are family, doesn't mean they are right for your life and have a right to make your life miserable. We get attached to anyone who is in our life for a long time, even friends, doesn't mean we can't break that attachment if it's not good for us. Make the right choice for you, no one else is going to.

[Hollstein]

I did everything for them my entire life, including go to college for something that I never wanted to do (they made me go to law school... which only made me get depressed and extemely anxious). I know now that isn't my fault, but I still have to fight to do things my way and for them to just let me be me. They hurt me so much, and I'm still trying to get over all the pain they've been causing me.

We are much better than our family could ever be.

[Hidden in reply to Hollstein]

Yes we are, and we need to acknowledge that, because they make us believe we aren't better. People who are miserable love to have company, so they make others miserable with them.

It will take time to get over the pain and basically the loss. It's hard when you realise the people who you supposed to depend on have failed you so badly. But take the time to process it, and know you are much better, and deserve much better. It's easier said than done I know, but starting somewhere and moving forward is a chance at something better.......

[RealEyes]

Really Important Question Hollstein and I was glad to read all the replies !

Shout Outs to Strongheartforever n Indigojoe n Sprinkle1 and Hidden - as your replies of support and kind words go a long way for me too ! thanks

Toxic people - especially when they are our family is tough to take, no doubt. I really liked the ideas of going to the library and walks ... it took me some time before i could find my strength in getting away from toxic dramas at 'home'.

Being strong in one's self, keeping strong in my personal convictions and life choices and not taking others opinions personally are big steps in being free of toxic people/family. These are personal choices i keep working on myself.

You are doing it Hollstein ... keep at it as it is your life and you can chose your present n future directions ... one step at a time, slow and sure.

(and don't forget to Breathe) (: take good care H an keep on keepin' on ! r-e

[Hollstein in reply to RealEyes]

All we can ever do is try, my friend! As people say, we're long time dead, there's no time for wasting with other people's bullshit.

I'm always breathing, nor I'll freak out lol, that's the thing that keeps me from getting nuts.

[dore13]

I am going through something similar, and I am afraid I don't have the answer. Some people say to find positive people, but what happens when there is no one around. Sometimes in life we are alone, and have to suffer in silence. At least on sites like these you know there are people who go through the same things as you. The best suggestion I can give is to walk away. Don't say anything about anyone unless you want 100 other people to hear it! I find trusting a person, any person, is a rare thing.

[Hollstein in reply to dore13]

That's my problem.. sometimes I can't see the positive things or people, sometimes it's just feeling where I'm sad. I try my best to do everything that they said above.. go out, read, swim, walk, talk to other people.. but sometimes I just can't get out of my bed.. it scares the hell out of me..

[Indigojoe]

IF we reduce our expectations of other people and have zero expectations that they own us anything, we become free to do and be what we want to be.

I was a very loyal family member, but my folks were just children in grown bodies doing the best they could, and were controlling, and demanding, and judgmental, because of who they were, not who I was.

NOthing anybody does is because of "YOU". People do what they do, and say what they say because of who and what THEY ARE.

( think about it from your side)

You are kind because of who you are, not because the other person made you that way, and you flip out because of how you felt about something, not because of the "something".

Be free

[Hollstein in reply to Indigojoe]

That's totally true.. I'm on my path to get free of them.. And I need to stop and think about what affects me and why it does, exactly like you pointed out, because I know that it's not my fault.. they make me feel this way. I haven't done anything wrong to deserve their shit.

[Abby14]

I know the feeling! My family are the same! It"s so hard! I have had to find ways to deal with it. I have lernt to switch myself off emonitaly & learn to be selfish! which for me is very hard, as selfish is not me! The more you do it the easier it becomes. Try looking on the net for more info on toxic people & how to deal with them. I had a brillant thepist who helped me it"s hard to give tips as every situation is differnt! Find people who lift you up not pull you down! real friends appect you for who you are! Just because someone is family doesn"t mean they have the right to treat you this way! Family to me is the people who have been there for me & who love me warts & all! Being blood related has little to do with it! Try talking to your Gp, maybe they can arrage some thepy for you, to help you! worth a try! I am lucky my Gp is very good & is so supportive! Let meknow how you get on & don"t forget I am always here

[Hidden]

I had to cut them off. Family and friends that are toxic. However, I understand not everyone can do this.

I want to say try and change the subject or be more busier when these people are around.

Maybe you can help influence change in these people.

What I’ve learned though, is people change if they want to.

I cut them off because I need to take care of myself and my well being. These toxic people don’t usually care about you and your needs. If this is not so, then you can openly talk about how you feel about The toxicity they have in their lives or when they are around you.